Melanie has a BS in physical science and is in grad school for analytics and modeling. Her research is in computational chemistry.
The following is a growing collection of the best physics jokes that science (and humor) have to offer! As always, if you have a great physics joke that I missed, please let me know in the comments below.
I'm not lazy, I'm overflowing with potential energy.
Q: Why did Heisenberg hate driving?
A: Because every time he looked at the speedometer, he'd get lost.
Q: How does a German physicist drink beer?
A: With ein Stein.
Velociraptor = Distraptor / Timeraptor
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Q: What do physicists do at football games?
A: The wave.
A photon checks into a hotel when the bellhop asks, "Would you like help with your luggage?"
The photon replies, "I don't have any. I always travel light."
The cop looks at Heisenberg and says, "Sir, do you realize you were going 75 in a 55?"
Heisenberg replies, "Great, now I'm lost!"
What happens in a black hole, stays in a black hole.
Q: What do you get when you cross a physicist and a rock climber?
A: You can't. A rock climber is a scalar.
Home is where your displacement is zero.
Q: What was Schrödinger's favorite movie genre?
A: ψ Φ
In 1907, Einstein started developing a theory about space.
It was about time, too!
Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree one fine day, trying to figure out how gravity works. And then it hit him.
My physics professor said I had potential. Then he pushed me off a building.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Q: What's new?
A: C over lambda.
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"
Q: Why aren't physicists good in bed?
A: When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.
Q: What did one magnet say to the other?
A: From behind, I thought you were repulsive. But after seeing you from the front, I find you very attractive.
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything.
The Higgs Boson walks into a church whereupon the priest immediately says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "But without me, you cannot have mass."
Entropy isn’t what it used to be...
Air resistance is a drag.
A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.
Professor: Does anyone have any questions before the tomorrow's exam?
Student: Can you go over terminal velocity?
Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission chips
Q: What did one photon say to the other?
A: I'm tired of your interference.
Q: Why wasn't Heisenberg a good lover?
A: Because whenever he had the time, he didn't have the energy.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?
Calculating frequency is so easy it Hertz.
Q: What does a subatomic duck say?
Gravity is such a downer.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
May the force be... ... equal to mass times acceleration.
To get to the other side. Why did the neutrino cross the road?
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car from inside the garage without opening the door.
The symposium on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Q: How did Einstein begin the stories he told his children?
A: Once upon a space-time...
A quantum physicist walks into a bar and doesn't.
On a sign hanging on a laboratory door: "Gone Nuclear Fission."
Q: Who solves mysteries involving electricity?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Police officer: Freeze! Why do you carry two identity cards?
Electron: That's my wave-particle duality!
© 2017 Melanie
Stephen Goll on June 14, 2020:
Did you know that 1+1=3?
Di on June 10, 2019:
Actually, it’s not the force that kills you, it’s the acceleration.
Phyzzi on April 23, 2019:
I heard the "cross a mountain climber..." joke as
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing, you can't cross a scaler with a vector.
My HS physics teacher had fun drawing ohms on a stove (ohm on the range) and with wheels (mobile ohm). He also really hated when people said "capacitator" instead of capacitor, so my mom sent me to school with a dielectric shoved into a potato. To which he noted "the nut doesn't fall far from the tree".
PoetikalyAnointed on November 09, 2018:
This was phun and educational at the same time-cool!
Kashif Ali Abbas from Pakistan on October 27, 2017:
Physics is Pun too, not just PHUN.
A nice satire and banter you created with Physics. Anyone who loves physics would love this, and I do
John Boy on August 29, 2017:
I thought "What's new?" was "E over H".
These were great! My favorite was, "Can you go over terminal velocity?" Took me a moment, then it was delicious!
diogenes on August 02, 2017:
Enjoyed these...you certainly have sangfreud!
Louise Powles from Norfolk, England on August 01, 2017:
Lol they are great jokes. I like the picture of the man carrying his head lol.
Suhail Zubaid aka Clark Kent from Mississauga, ON on May 28, 2017:
This was hilarious!
Mary Wickison from Brazil on May 27, 2017:
Most of these were so far over my head, I thought I was standing in a hole.