66 great Science Jokes and 6 Science quotes. Laugh or cringe but be impressed that I found 66 jokes about Science!
1. A chemist walks into a Pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist “Does one have any Acetylsalicylic Acid?”
You mean Aspirin replied the Pharmacist.
Of course, that’s it. I can never remember that word.
2. A Biologist, Physicist, and a Chemist were going to the ocean for the very first time.
The Biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna under the ocean and walked into the ocean. He quickly drowned and was never seen again.
The Physicist saw the ocean, and was rather fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He too quickly drowned, and was never seen again.
The Chemist waited for a long time and afterwards wrote this observation,
“The Biologist and the Physicist are both soluble in ocean water”
3. I was reading a book on helium.
For some reason I couldn’t put it down.
4. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.
The Barkeeper replies, “For you, no charge”
5. Famous last words from Chemists;
“And now the taste test…”
“Now in which glass was my mineral water?”
“This is a completely safe experimental setup…”
“Now you can take the protection window away…”
“And now shake it a bit…”
6. A Doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.
He advises her to marry a Chemist and move to Oregon.
The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”
“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time”
7. How many Biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
FIVE | One to change it and four to write the environmental-impact statement.
8. Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything.
9. What was the name of the first Electricity Detective?
10. One tectonic plate bumped into another and said “Sorry, my fault”
11. What do you do with a sick Chemist?
If you cannot Helium, and you cannot Curium, then you might as well Barium.
12. An Engineer, a Biologist, and a Mathematician were observing an empty building.
They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.
The Engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect”.
The Biologist remarked, “Oh, they must have reproduced”
The Mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty”
13. They have just found the gene for shyness.
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
14. A Photon checks into a hotel, where a concierge asks where its suitcase is.
The Photon replies, “I didn’t bring any luggage. As I’m travelling light”
15. How many general-relativity Theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
TWO | One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
16. Why can you not take electricity to social outings?
Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
17. Anyone entering a School Laboratory and seeing an experiment will know which class is it by using the following as a guide.
If it’s green and wiggles | Biology
If it stinks | Chemistry
If it doesn’t work | PHYSICS
18. I have a new theory on inertia, but it does not seem to be gaining momentum.
19. What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive.
But now, seeing you from the front I find you rather attractive.
20. Relativity | When the family gets together
21. Black holes | Found in black socks
22. Did you hear that Oxygen went on a date with Potassium?
It went OK.
23. The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The Chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
24. Copernicus’ father said to him when he was a teenager.
Copernicus when are you going to realise that the world does not revolve around you?
25. “Star Light, Star Bright. The first Star I see tonight.
I wish I may I wish I might…..
Rats it’s just a satellite.
26. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were overnighting out in the wild.
At 3.00am, Holmes woke Watson and said “Watson look up and tell me what you presume”
Watson replied “I see a vast Universe, full of Stars and wonder. There are billions and billions of planets out there so surely we are not alone”
Holmes then sighed “No you idiot… someone stole our tent!!!”
27. Two Atoms are walking across a road when one of them says “I think I lost an Electron”
The other replied “Really! Are you sure?”
“Yes.. I’m absolutely positive”
28. A Physicist while leaving the Cinema after seeing Star Wars bumped into a fellow Physicist.
Feeling inspirational, he said to his friend “May the Mass Times Acceleration be with you”
29. A question from the audience for a Neuroscientist during a recent conference;
"Could we have your thoughts on telepathy?"
30. What did the talking dog say to its owner?
My favourite frequency is 50,000hz but you have probably never heard of that!!!
31. Erwin Schrodinger was crossing a border when he was pulled over to have his car searched.
The Security Guard opened the car boot and said “Did you know there’s a dead cat in here?”
Schrodinger replied “Well I do now”
32. What kind of dog does a Chemist have?
33. Research (meaning)
What you are doing when you don’t know what you are doing.
The only culture some people have.
35. What happened when the teacher made a Chemistry joke?
Nothing | There was no reaction.
36. The re-make of the film TRON has been released.
It is called NEU-TRON.
37. How Scientists spend their time.
10% Project Proposal
20% Data Collection
70% Coming up with intelligent but funny Acronyms
38. The new restaurant on the moon has opened.
The first reviews say the food is great but there is no atmosphere.
39. RIP boiling water.
You will be MIST.
40. Bad Light always goes to PRISM.
41. Live your life like a Proton.
Always be Positive.
42. How do Bees brush their hair?
With a Honey Comb.
43. Chemists make awful Science puns.
But only Periodically.
44. I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone.
Then it Dawned on me.
45. Organic Chemistry learning percentages.
2% Deadly Compounds
5% Interesting Reactions
80% Drawing Hexagons
46. Charles Darwin tells a joke.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically modified to cross roads and other wide spaces.
47. Helium walks into a bar and the barkeeper says “Get out we don’t serve Noble Gases in here”
Helium doesn’t react.
48. You know that Earth is always making fun of other Planets because they don’t have any life.
49. “Dear Algebra please stop asking us to find your X”
“She is never coming back but don’t ask us Y”
50. Einstein developed a theory about Space.
And it was about TIME too.
51. If at first you don’t succeed.
Try another two twice so that your failure is statistically significant.
52. There was an old lady called Wight,
Who could travel must faster than light,
She departed one day in a relative way,
And returned the previous night.
53. Have you read the book on anti-gravity?
It is difficult to put down.
54. What type of ghosts haunt Chemical factories?
55. THEORY | When you know everything but nothing works.
PRACTICE | When you know everything works but no one knows why.
THEORY combined with PRACTICE | Nothing works and no one knows why.
56. If the reading on your instrument is correct then you have forgotten to plug it in.
57. Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives.
58. Biology is the only Science where multiplication is the same thing as division.
59. Two Aerials meet on a rooftop and fell in love.
The Wedding Ceremony wasn’t up to much but the Reception was excellent.
60. Top three reasons to be a Chemistry student.
3 | Access to 100% Ethanol
2 | Cool Safety Glasses
1 | Learn to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
61. Exam answers.
Name six animals that live in the Arctic.
Two Polar Bears and Four Seals.
Why might living close to a Mobile Phone mast cause ill health?
You might walk into it.
What is a stand-alone computer system?
One that doesn’t come with a chair.
62. What is the only known thing to travel faster than the speed of light?
A Chuck Norris scissors kick.
63. To err is Human to make a complete mess up you need a computer.
64. A Statistician is someone who tells you that when you have your head in a fridge and your feet in an oven then on average you are very comfortable.
65. A group of protestors are standing in front of a Physics Facility.
“What do we want?”
“When do we want it?”
66. An infectious disease walks into a bar.
The Barkeeper says “Get out, we don’t serve your kind in here”
The disease replies “Well really, you are not a very good host”
Always happy to add to this list… I would like to reach 100 with your help
PostiveElectron on November 21, 2019:
"I was just thinking... mitosis is the only time that multiplication and division are the same thing."
ScienceWiz on November 21, 2019:
This is a good joke to totally roast a dumb person while thoroughly confusing them. Useful if someone is picking on someone else, "That was so low, not even Fluorine would bond with you."