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My Day with the Oompa Loompas

Updated on July 1, 2016
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Christopher Peruzzi was the creator of Vikar's Rant back in the early 2000s. It was a site for rants and jokes. He has since calmed down.

Live from Loompaland - An Oompa Loompa
Live from Loompaland - An Oompa Loompa | Source

Oompa Loompas in My Head

“Where did I go wrong?” I ask myself.

We all do this. I may do this more than others as I’ve felt I've made more wrong turns. Should I have done something different or did I choose correctly? I've played this game hundreds of times. Finally, I think I found the root cause of my problems.

I didn’t listen to the Oompa Loompas.

You know the Oompa Loompas, right? They are the little orange men with the green hair that dress funny and have curious shoes from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. You know – from Loompaland.

Roald Dahl, the British children’s book author with a dark streak, wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He invented the Oompa Loompas. These little orange bastards pop up whenever one of the children breaks the rules of the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka said he rescued them from Loompaland because the whangdoodles, hornswogglers, snozzwangers, and vermicious knids would eat them. He stressed that a whangdoodle would have a dozen at a time for lunch .

Well, once Wonka got them back to wherever in the world the factory is (Eastern Euro-London-Chicagoistan is where I imagine Charlie lived) he puts the little buggers into slave labor. They do creaming and sugaring as well as… pretty much everything. And somehow they find the time to rehearse dance routines and practice their singing.

When I was meditating on where I went wrong in my life, it occurred to me that I did all the wrong things in every single one of their songs. I managed to make myself into an Augustus Gloop, a Violet Beauregard, a Verruca Salt, and a Mike TeeVee. Since I’ve made this revelation, I’ve been hearing the little orange men sing their songs to me in mock derision.

I’ll go for the chocolate while I’m watching television then I’ll hear, in my mind, “OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO”. Then the dancing starts and I'll need a nap.

So now they’re in my head.

Source

A Bad Time at the Food Store

They are in my “world of pure imagination”. I know they really aren’t there, but I see them all the time - especially when I’m about to do something stupid and irresponsible.

Yesterday, I saw them at Wegman’s.

My wife said we didn’t have enough food in the house because there is never enough food in the house. Her vegan diet makes her into “she who cannot be fed”. Our house must have a constant supply of fresh organic vegetables that wilt while I'm watching them. She can get away with quinoa, nuts, and other vegetables, but she can’t ever eat what I eat on a regular basis. A hamburger would kill her – a cheeseburger, even more so.

So we went to Wegmans on a Sunday - which is always a fool’s errand. However, my wife brought her own personal fool and I’m it. I know this time is going to be bad because the lot is full of cars which means that there will be plenty of clueless parents, clueless kids, clueless old people, and people who are just in my way because they are nature’s speed bumps.

I find in these situations that it’s best not to rush the experience. That is the path of madness and anger. My wife and I began with what she needed and went to the produce aisle. Ironically, no one was there. I wasn't surprised. The crowded aisles are the snack and deli sections. This country has a gargantuan addiction to processed foods.

We bought plenty of avocados, green leafy vegetables, carrots, apples, oranges, bananas, mushrooms, and tomatoes.

These are the things I’m supposed to eat. But what did I do?

I went to the crowded snack aisle. I'm among the legions of miserable people who were getting their fried corn fix. As I grabbed my Frito-Lay made treasures, I thought I saw a tuft of green hair and a curled toed shoe at the end of the aisle.

The little people have found me.

“OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA … OOMPA LOOMPA”

Oh no. They’ve come… And they’re going to sing at me.

Six little orange little men cartwheeled down the aisle and no one could see them but me. They quickly ran together and stood on each other’s shoulders, forming a pyramid. The one at the top pointed his little orange finger at me and sang, “OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE, IF YOU ARE WISE YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME!”

He jumped down from the top and joined hand with the others, surrounding me as they took turns singing, “WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU GUZZLE DOWN SWEETS? EATING AS MUCH AS AN ELEPHANT EATS! WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THAT? I DON’T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT!”

Please go away. I just want my Pringles and M&M’s, you little bastards.

They looked up at me angrily and scattered. My wife, however, was still glaring at me.

“What are you buying?”

“Pringles and M&M’s," I said like a heroin junkie with a bare spoon in his hand. "I’m hungry.”

“You should eat carrots when we get home. They are just like candy.”

“They are not just like candy,” I said while pouting. “I know what candy tastes like and if what you said were true there would be a run on the carrot market. Besides, if you eat too many carrots they’ll turn you… orange.”

My eyes went wide.

No fun of any kind.
No fun of any kind. | Source

Don't Smoke

I panicked at the thought of my wife making me into one of them. I always knew that's what she wanted. But I can’t be an Oompa Loompa. My clothes are too big and I don’t have the shoes for it. This is her revenge for all of those short jokes I’ve made about her. But I can’t be an Oompa Loompa. I can’t dance. Perhaps she thinks they need another baritone.

I put the Pringles in the cart – just in case.

We stopped at another aisle and got some cleaning supplies. I found everything I needed to get rid of the dogs’ pee stains and something to make the house smell nicer.

As we left the cashier, I pushed the cart down to the front of the store and saw a gumball machine. Quickly, I ran my tongue over my teeth and fished a quarter out of my pocket. I popped it into the machine and twisted the knob. A large orange gumball rolled to the little gumball door as if it were coming home.

I was about to put it into my mouth when I heard the singing.

“OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA … OOMPA LOOMPA”

The six little orange men backflipped their way to where I was. They surrounded me like little green and orange wolves, staring up at me pointing with their pudgy little fingers, and sang, “OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE, IF YOU ARE WISE YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME!”

They stopped and tapped their feet. Simultaneously, they inhaled and sang, “GUM CHEWING’S FINE WHEN IT’S ONCE IN A WHILE. IT STOPS YOU FROM SMOKING AND BRIGHTENS YOUR SMILE. BUT IT’S REPULSIVE REVOLTING AND WRONG. CHEWING AND CHEWING ALL DAY LONG THE WAY THAT A COW DOES!!!”

Uh Oh. They've had to know about the smoking. How complex is the Oompa Loompa intelligence network? They had to have little orange eyes everywhere.

I popped the gumball in my mouth, crunching through the hard sugar candy coating. The little people broke apart and seemed to melt into the background.

My wife looked up at me and said, “Do you always have to buy a gumball every time you see one of those damn machines?”

“Always? No, not always,” I lied. “Only when I see one and I have change.”

She sighed and shook her head.

Later, we went to the Freehold Raceway Mall. My wife had been having some discomfort with a pinched nerve in her back and the massage place always got rid of the pain. I know it’s a luxury but there are some things you can’t put a price tag on. Her not having pain is one of them.

She bought an hour session. I left to browse other stores in the mall. It was either that or sit there and do nothing for an hour.

Source

Mall Mayhem

As I had no immediate destination in mind, I wandered from one store to the next. Sadly, all of my favorite shops went out of business. Border Books was history – as well as the FYE shop, where I got most of my DVD’s.

I skipped Old Navy and Abercrombie & Fitch because I hate shopping for clothes and my build is the exact opposite of a strung-out heroin-addicted model.

The video game store looked interesting. I sauntered inside and checked to see if there was anything good for any of my video systems. I buy used games and some looked good. Then I remembered I wasn't working and frivolous purchases were verboten.

I didn’t know if it was stress or if I just wanted something new and shiny but I wanted a new game. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought, “I don’t care how – I want it NOW!”

Uh oh.

“OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA … OOMPA LOOMPA”

A golden Easter egg popped into my head along with a spoiled little girl in a red dress who failed the eggdicator test. It was her who fell down a chute to either the furnace or garbage chute.

Six small orange and green blurs cartwheeled over from outside the store. The acrobatics, this time, were amazing as they formed an inverse pyramid and then launched themselves over my head with midair flips. Each then circled me with their hands locked behind their back. Then they bobbed their green locks in time with one another.

Again, they looked up at me and sang, “OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE, IF YOU ARE WISE YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME!”

They jumped around and took turns singing, “WHO DO YOU BLAME WHEN YOUR KID IS A BRAT? PAMPERED AND SPOILED LIKE A SIAMESE CAT? BLAMING THE KIDS IS A LIE AND A SHAME. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO’S TO BLAME: THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER!”

“LISTEN YOU STINKING LITTLE ORANGE FREAKS!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “MY PARENTS DIDN’T GIVE ME CRAP!! ALL I WANT IS THIS STINKING VIDEO GAME!!!”

“Dude? Why you buggin out?” said the pimply-faced video store clerk staring back at me.

Suddenly, I became quite aware of where I was and that I was screaming near two children. I buried my head in my hands for a moment and sobbed as I left the store. What the hell was wrong with me? Is this what they meant by “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods”? Really, impulse buying is part of the American way of life. That’s what American Express says anyway.

I walked to the other side of the mall and then, realized I was hungry. The food court was close by. It was time for lunch. Since I wanted something simple, I bought a hot dog and if I saw one curled shoe, I’d stamp on it until it bled purple blood, grape jelly, or whatever those singing little bastards had that passed for blood oozed from their toes.

Yes, I know hot dogs are made from meat byproducts and animal lips, but I’m an American and I freaking LOVE them.

It was a good hot dog, too – nice and crisp on the outside with mustard on a toasted roll. I finished it then checked my watch. It was almost an hour.

See the Original

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is so exquisitely insane, you'd be crazy to miss this children's classic with Gene Wilder.

 

Back To Meet the Wife

I started back. On the way there I saw an electronics store and stopped in to see if they had anything on sale as far as flat screen TVs. My wife was bugging me about moving the larger flat screen TV from my man cave to the one in the house. Maybe having another television in the house was good. It certainly would make video gaming a little better. Perhaps we could have one more in the house for the two of us.

Ooops.

“OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA… OOMPA LOOMPA … OOMPA LOOMPA”

This time, they didn’t even try to make themselves entertaining. One just jumped on my back while the others grabbed my hair and punched my face. In a mad disjointed cacophony, they screamed, “OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE, IF YOU ARE WISE YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME!”

The one pounding hardest on my head sang, “WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A GLUT OF TV? A PAIN IN THE NECK AND AN IQ OF THREE!! WHY DON’T YOU TRY SIMPLY READING A BOOK? OR CAN YOU JUST NOT BEAR TO LOOK? YOU’LL GET NO… YOU’LL GET NO… YOU’LL GET NO COMMERCIALS!!!”

Of course, no one saw anything except me wincing from imaginary dwarf blows. I left the electronics store with two imaginary little cruds still punching my head.

“Have we met?!! Have you seen my house?!! I have almost nothing but books!!!” I growled at them. “Go bother some redneck who flunked out of grammar school!! I actually read!”

They slowly dropped off of me as I got closer to the massage center. When I got there, I was free from my Oompa Loompa infestation and I was just in time for the massage owner’s sales pitch. The young Asian woman pitched a massage sales monolog and I very politely explained that I was waiting for my wife.

What I didn’t know was that my wife opted to extend her time for the 90-minute session.

I sat down and gradually relaxed. I was okay until I saw a man who looked as if someone had shoved an air hose up his butt. He looked… inflated. His walk wasn't a waddle. He looked like a marionette moving as he tilted from one side to the other to get his legs ahead of him. Some poor man or woman would be massaging this guy.

Two thoughts came to me. One was that I had to start losing weight or that would be me in a few years. The other was that I thought he might have gotten a hold of the “seven-course meal” pieces of gum. He might turn into a walking blueberry.

On the other hand, I thought, I really shouldn’t criticize others for their weight problems. My house is made of enough glass that I shouldn’t be lobbing any rocks from it.

A lesson not forgotten
A lesson not forgotten | Source

A Several Thousand Cheeseburger Head Start

I belched and tasted hot dog.

I relaxed. I let my mind wander to the places it usually went. I thought how I’d been too harsh to others and myself. The Oompa Loompas are really in my head. I know when something is bad for me. I thought of some possible action plans on how should get my act together.

As I was peacefully meditating on this, I heard a child scream outside in the hall. This scream echoed. It was one of those screams that tell whoever is listening to it that old school parenting should be applied immediately. It stopped for a moment and resumed with a, “NO!!!”

They were right outside the massage center. A father and mother were trying to deal with a brat throwing a tantrum. The father bent down and was angrily, but silently, talking to the child in hushed tones. I could tell that the father was several thousand cheeseburgers ahead of the child in weight. The child was small and wiry.

The silence was broken again with an “I HATE YOU!!” And then a, “NO, YOU’RE GOING TO BE PUNISHED!”

Now I could see the father’s face. I knew that look from my own father’s face. It wasn’t going to happen now, but the ass kicking was going to happen. It just wouldn’t be in the store. It would be either in the car or at the house. One thing was definitely for sure; it would be memorable. The child would get an education in physics about irresistible forces and what happens when a matchstick strikes a boulder.

And as I saw the three of them head off to the exit, I saw six orange little men follow them. One of the little men skipped to a rhythm. Two of the others limbered up for more cartwheels.

There would be a reckoning… and a strong singing at.

Perhaps the little orange men were part of a larger scheme of things. I can remember the first parts to each of the songs, but I always have trouble remembering the second part. This is the part that we always should remember in the end.

It’s always the same in every case. The little men finish their lecture with this, “OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DA! IF YOU’RE NOT GREEDY, YOU WILL GO FAR! YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS, TOO! LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DO!!!”

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4.5 out of 5 stars from 4 ratings of My Day with the Oompa Loompas

© 2016 Christopher Peruzzi

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    • profile image

      Jesse 14 months ago

      Loved this piece, it was so amusing thanks for writing it.

    • JG Hemlock profile image

      JG Hemlock 14 months ago from VISIONS AND DREAMS

      you can delete that comment. the hub was great!

    • cperuzzi profile image
      Author

      Christopher Peruzzi 14 months ago from Freehold, NJ

      I don't know what it is with my HP editor. But every so often it will copy something it shouldn't. It makes me crazy. I think I got it.

    • cperuzzi profile image
      Author

      Christopher Peruzzi 14 months ago from Freehold, NJ

      Thanks! I have editing issues.

    • JG Hemlock profile image

      JG Hemlock 14 months ago from VISIONS AND DREAMS

      I wanted to leave this separate for you. I am not a jerk but I know what I am like when I write and don't see a mistake. I just wanted to share it with you so you can fix it. :)

      This was great. God bless you!

      . As we left the cashier, I pushed the cart down to the front of the store and saw a gumball machine. I ran my tongue over my teeth and fished a quarter out of my pocket. I popped it into the machine and twisted the knob. A large orange gumball rolled to the little gumball door.

      As we left the cashier, I pushed the cart down to the front of the store and saw a gumball machine. Quickly, I ran my tongue over my teeth and fished a quarter out of my pocket. I popped it into the machine and twisted the knob. A large orange gumball rolled to the little gumball door as if it were coming home.

    • JG Hemlock profile image

      JG Hemlock 14 months ago from VISIONS AND DREAMS

      oooommmpa looompa diggidy doo...

      I have another riddle for you....

      what do you when it steals your quarter and it doesn't give it to you?

      Do you shake it and I kick it till you get more than a few?

      This was a great read! I give it 5 stars!