Note: this story is meant to antagonize you. If you are one of the world's faithful, it is recommended that you skip this comedy.
If, on the other hand, you are active minded, contain within your immortal self, the ability to eke out a bit of sobering offense against your very existence, then by all means, suffer these next words...
The Face of Chrislam?
This is an excerpted fictionalized story, as extrapolated from the Chrislamic Text, cited below for clarity, as told by the learned scholars in Bangor, Maine, seat of The One True Faith.
This story was approved for publication in those little booklets you find on restroom urinals, by Our Father of Craig Ministries, out of Big Sky, land of the Democratic People's Army of Montana, in the year of our Prophet, Peter the Poet, 2132.
All saviors have a beginning...
In the beginning, there was Peter. And Peter was bad. But luckily, Peter left his mark in the Chrislamic Texts, forever. And he was not a cannibal.
Praise be unto Peter.
Peter won the prize that day, however. The killing prize.
We know the story. We all remember the prize.
And what was the prize?
As you may recall, Peter's prize was his life. But not eternal life. Eternal damnation in the eyes of Gallah the Eradicator.
The Chrislamic Caliphate willed it thusly; that the heretics and faithless must die. In exchange, those chosen as Cleansers of Souls, would be given the gift of life -- on this plane of existence.
In other words, those like Peter, would be tolerated and not eaten.
Peter was a Cleanser. It wasn't a bad existence for him. He was still allowed to carry his Bible and pray. He could attend services with the few remaining Christians.
But he could not speak openly or in any way preach his faith. And best of all, he could kill the Anti-Chrislamites with abandon. A calling he exercised daily, we are told.
Peter knew of the original Christians and how they had hidden underground and prayed. How they conquered Ancient Rome and how their numbers had grown for thousands of years. That is, until the Holy War.
Peter also knew about Islam. How Islam had flowered, absorbed much of the known world, assimilated Judaism, conquered the weakness that was Buddhism and installed their Caliphates as stars in the sky. All controlled from the former Great Empire of New Syria, founded in the late 2020's.
But as Gallah has willed, religions must fight it out. They must seek the One True God (OTG) and we now know His name: Gallah.
But Peter clung to Christ. Peter ignored the OTG.
Peter and Gallah were at war.
If it had not been for the Christians, Islam would have succeeded. There would have been a One World Caliphate. They called their deity Allah, but he was only a son of Gallah, as was the Christian God.
But then there was war. Unlucky for Peter, however, Islam and Christianity blended into a true nightmare for him, after the war.
But it is the way of things.
Christians and Islam fought the Holy War. It was never called World War III. In the end there were no clear winners. Whole continents lay in ruins. Nuclear wastelands proliferated. Death and disease. Mass starvation. And always, the fighting.
Food and water. Having either marked you for death. It was the Hell on earth as dreamt by many a religion since time began. And it bore us the One True Faith. An Eternal Cleansing.
Peter the Poet never understood that. It had taken the Hell to cleanse the Earth of Heretics and create the OTG. To help us see Gallah.
The world would have remained a Hell if He had not come, however. He came to us in the final hour of our need. And He set us upon the Right Path. A path that was Gallah.
His name was Craig. Praise be onto Him.
As told by Peter the Poet, Craig was our final Savior. Not a son. Not a daughter. Not a LGBT. But a hermaphrodite of Gallah. The third way. The hated sibling of God and Allah.
(Pause in your prayer and contemplate at this point. As a true supplicant, please contribute to the cause. Gallah coins are acceptable at Our Lady of Baiting, Michigan District.)
Craig was seen in Ontario after the last bombing. He came in the form a Chrislamic Prophet, dressed in purple robes and wielding the Razor of Occam. Some say Craig wore a hospital robe, back opened, to reveal the hermaphroditism, but this is immaterial.
Although, having been dead for nearly a century, Craig appeared unto a group of Christians who happened to be executing a gaggle of well-fed ISIS terrorists in a parking lot, next to Pog's Pig Farm. This was being done, according to the texts, to ensure the lack of virgins in the next life.
It was then, that Craig handed over the Golden Laptop, Linux based, and instructed the faithful about "The Way" to Eternal Salvation through Extermination or ESE.
Naturally, everyone was excited about the prospects of a working laptop computer, since most had been fried during the Holy War.
But what was more, the Christians forgave the ISIS insurgents and released them.
This turned out to be a fatal error. The insurgents promptly eradicated the Christians and made off with the laptop.
Later, the laptop was stolen from the ISIS insurgents. They had continued their raping and pillaging of the remaining living persons in the former United States.
The gaggle chanced to visit Bangor, Maine and were eliminated by a lone hacker driving a cement truck. Why the hacker needed the truck is beyond the scope of this pamphlet, but if you come to our church, listed on the back, we will save your eternal soul, extract any and all funds from your bank account and tell you how wonderful you are.
It turned out that the hacker in question was the very man you may know by name. The hacker, then nearing 90 years of age, and who the Chrislamic Text refers to only as Infinity Man (Gallah 0:0), promptly 3-D printed the Grand Design.
Grand Design was a file which had been saved to the hard-drive of the computer laptop by Craig himself.
Praise be unto Him.
Scholars have dated the file save around 2057, but this is only an estimated conjecture.
Argument also stems from what were called "computer gaming characters." Gallah the Eradicator" was listed as formidable killing machine in the Game of Gods and we are in agreement with His words. But the idea that Infinity Man designed Gallah is Christian Blasphemy.
Gallah was never a game character. He was real. He is real!
Infinity Man was only a vessel, however. He knew not what he had brought into this world. In fact, Infinity Man thought he was constructing a spaceship that would transport him away from Hell on earth. But it was not a spaceship. It was our Lord Gallah the Eradicator.
Infinity Man had been a former employee of a world's last giant 3-D printer and computer gaming factory in Bangor, Maine. He had kept the factory operational for over 50 years, after the Holy War. While reading the assembly instructions for the Grand Design, Infinity Man died.
The cause of death was from an intestinal blockage as a result of a dehydrated strawberry wafer from his supply of military meals called MRE's, which he had stashed in his office, before the Holy War.
Infinity Man had been what was called a "Prepper," but the meaning of this label has been hotly debated for over a century. (Preppers 8:99) At any rate, Infinity Man had been suffering from severe aging syndrome.
What is certain as well, is that Infinity Man had become an enemy to Gallah and had to be eradicated.
The Grand Design file, however, turned out to be something else altogether. Infinity Man had printed all the pieces.
On their annual pilgrimage bike ride from Mount Washington, in the New Republic of Vermont, a radical sect of the Holy Rattlers came upon the closed 3-D factory and the desiccated body of Infinity Man.
By this time, the laptop was dead and only a few of the Holy Rattlers even knew what it was. But the pile of strange objects, made from a sponge-like material, seemed to fit together like some giant children's puzzle.
The 3-D pieces intrigued the wayward Holy Rattler Sect.
The Rattlers then spent the next four years riding back and forth from Mount Washington, Vermont, to Bangor Maine, during the summer, avoiding the cannibal tribes as they traveled.
They took pains inserting the pieces together and finally, as we all know today, ended up with the first known statute of Gallah the Eradicator. (Bangor 66:6).
And we all know what happened next. Fort Knox.
The Holy Rattler Sect became bored after assembling the statue and decided to explore, leaving the strange spongy Gallah the Eradicator, in an abandoned warehouse.
They made it as far as Fort Knox, where they were eaten by the Cannibals at West Point.
Although, mostly a wasteland by then, a small group of ragged and educated cannibals came upon the Holy Rattlers near an abandoned Golf Course and charged in on horseback. The Holy Rattlers never had a chance against a small army of meat eating renegades, with working small arms.
We know it today, as the Battle of the Lind and the Rebirth of Gallah. For it was here that the West Point Cannibals found the tattoos of Gallah and a map, upon the stomach of a female meal.
With the foresight of a blood-soaked military mind, Craig the Junior, as he would later be known, tanned this map and made his way to Bangor and the closed 3-D Printing Gaming Factory that same summer. (Cannibals 8:1).
Today, that map hangs in the Capitol Building at Miamiville and contrary to popular belief, the belly button is not a representation of the Island of Cubananna. Furthermore, the Savior of the Sacred Martyr of Craig Junior is not an off-shoot of the original Cannibals of West Point. Again, this an item of debate.
Today, the one true Gallah stands in its rightful place. At the old 3-D Printing Gaming Factory in Bangor, Maine.
If you should choose to make the pilgrimage, as is required by law, Our Father of Craig Ministries, out of Big Sky, Land of the Democratic People's Army of Montana, will assist.
Donations accepted anywhere West Point Union is accepted.
Note: we offer free excursions to the ancient temples at Washington D.C., and what is believed by many, to be the precursor to modern Chrislamic Thought: the transitioning of the United States to a Pre-Gallahian State and the establishment of Christendom Courts; better known as the Supreme Court of Gallah.
© 2016 jgshorebird
More by this Author
A short story about an alternate future where a Mega-Wall separates America from the World.
Sometimes you need to step back, sturdy yourself in a jovial bout of non-indulgence and gather the courage to remain sane. In any case, you might be suffering from Crypto-Gambling.