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Twenty Ways I Thought I Died. Part Two. Chapter Six

I am a writer, a customer care rep, a business administrator, a lover of life and a successful single lady who sees every child as hers.


That night, I and Tolu had our usual chats over the phone and I told him of how I was dying to see him and lay in his arms on the beach.
My honey, I desire your touch more than you sef. You don’t know how long in have waited for you. I need you my baby.
I need you more my lord.
My baby anytime you call me lord eh, my brain dey scatter.
We both laughed.
I told my mother about you today. I told her I have found the love of my life and we both love each other very much.
Really my lord you did? What did she say?
She was really happy for me. She even hugged me.
Awww baby am so proud of you.
Thanks my baby. My love. He continued. I remember all those rich ladies that use to disturb me to marry them. If to say I gree, I for don become big boy by now o.
Really. I hunted for more.
Yea. One even has a house in UK she wanted to sell that time, that would have landed me in too much money.
So why didn’t you marry her I asked.
Well I don’t have a problem marrying my age mate o, but she has to look young and lovely. At least we have many who don’t even look their age like me, I don’t took my age at all. But the day I saw that lady without make-up, I knew I couldn’t do this. She looked so old eh, like say she be sixty. Na all those rub rub dey cover her since.
So you ran four forty. I laughed.
Yes o. I cant imagine being with her just because she has money. There was even yet another one.
Hmmm tell me more. I smiled.
The only problem we had was our blood group. She is AS and I am too. My love hope you aren’t?
No my love. I am AA.
Haaa God thank you. Was so scared to ask. That girl had it all. And she fell in love with me the first time we met. She said I am just soo neat. Baby am very neat o! I have many white cloths and its always sparkling.
Wow I love neat men.
Yea. My love let me tell you of another lady I almost married.
Okay my love.
This one eh was very loving. She loved me to stupor and could do anything for me. She is so respectful, mild and a very good cook. She would always prepare meals for me alongside fruit salad. She never missed it.
So why didn’t you marry her? I asked curiously.
Hmmm my baby what can I say. I am a man na and there are certain things I can’t live without. She has a very flat ass and high waist. She is tall o but her figure no be here. My sisters were always telling me to over look it since she is a nice girl. I tried but couldn’t. And I couldn’t even tell her. How can I tell her something like that? My sisters were saying she could enlarge it we discuss things but I just wondered how she would feel about it. Anytime we went shopping together, and I see other guys with their beautiful ladies with correct shape, I just get jealous and ask myself why mine wasn’t that lovely.
So because of behind you didn’t marry her? I asked.
Yes o. Me as a man I have flat ass, then my babe should also have flat ass? No o. My baby I hope you have ass o? He asked me.
Yes na. Haven’t you seen my pictures? Na Urhobo ladies number one feature be that o!
Yes that’s true. You are slim but your behind make sense die.
I smiled with satisfaction. And you are really cute too my tall handsome prince.
Thanks my love.
Em My love, about our discussion last night.
My baby let’s forget about that please, I feel so ashamed already.
My sweets why not listen to me first.
Okay my baby.
My sweets, I have been thinking about our accommodation. And I have decided to lend you the money.
My love! Are you for real?
Yea. I have been given a raise in my salary so I just felt I could assist you in renting a place on the island. We can start with a two bedroom apartment. I can borrow you the money to rent it, while I take care of the furnishings.
Wow my queen! You are the best! I love you so much my queen. Thank you my baby, my darling, my world. You have made me the happiest man tonight. I can’t believe this.
We thank God my love. Don’t worry, with God's help everything will be fine.
Oh God thank you.
Yea. Just think of a good business idea and even if it means getting a loan from my company to get it done I can. So at least you can establish sometimes, but it should be a good investment.
My baby I know of all these things. I will not disappoint you. I will make sure all funds are managed well. I love you so much.
I love you so much too baby.
My baby. He corrected.
Oh sorry My baby. My baby there is something I want to tell you. I went on.
Oh my honey what’s it?
My love I haven’t told any guy this before, but I want to let you know. I am a virgin. I have kept my virginity for only you my husband.
Wow! So Ufoma is a virgin? Wow my baby what can I say? I am so blessed.
Thank you my lord for appreciating this.
Awww my love why won’t I? in fact after I deflower you, I will buy one cock for your mom as a sign of gratitude.
My lord are you too a virgin? I asked him.
Awww my baby I am not really. But its just one woman I have slept with. We did it just twice and that was all.
Really? How am I sure its twice? Where is she now? I asked disappointed.
My baby I won’t lie to you. I don’t even know where she is. My love please let’s not spoil tonight with this please.
Okay my love, you are right. Let’s go to bed now, work dey tomorrow.
Okay my angel. Please sleep well okay, and never forget I love you so much.
I love you so much too my lord. But I want to see you.
You will see me my love.
When. I asked.
When do you think we meet?
I am thinking of this weekend.
This weekend? He emphasized. Okay but where?
We can hang out in my hood. I would be going for Ella's engagement party by 6pm afterwards. There is this nice restaurant we can hangout.
How much will it cost?
Well I don’t know but I can find out.
Okay my love. Find out and take care of that okay. Just handle it.
Okay my king I will. So its weekend then?
Yes my queen.

And that was how we went to bed both smiling in our individually homes. I knew in my heart this was the right decision. Tolu is a man not like those small boys who don’t have any vision. I am sure we shall make it together. Or so I thought.

Always with my lord on the phone.


The following day at work, things were getting more organized and work was increasing. Kelvin had called me to his office and added lots of duties to the existing ones. We needed to do lots of online marketing via emails, and I needed to meet with news men for interviews. I also had to stop by to see aunty Ejiro and baby Chika who had turned two. She was really growing into a big girl. When I go to aunty Ejiro's place, I had a lot on my mind to tell her and it was good I did.
Aunty you know Ella in my office right? At the company.
Yea the Benue girl that hops from one man to the other.
Aunty? How did you know that?
You told me remember?
That wasn’t how I put it to you, damn you sounded mean.
Go ahead jor, you know I am a lawyer and I always get the true picture of an I individual played out in my head.
Well she has been blessed o!
Really? Gist me na.
That her guy that abandoned her with her pregnancy and went for his masters abroad, has returned to marry her and take her with him.
For real! That kind of guy still dey? Abi she use jazz?
I don’t think so o! Its like that guy truly loves her.
Hmmm well thank God for her son. At least he now has a father who cares. But why do you look worried Ufoma?
Aunty there is this guy I have been dating online. I don’t know if he is right for me.
Have you both met?
No. We decided we build our love first then meet afterwards.
What kind of style is that?
Aunty its just something we invented.
Hmmm okay. So what are your fears now?
Well he is too broke. And too old to be that broke. I feel he is not want I want.
How broke? Tell me?
I went ahead and told aunty Ejiro everything! From how we met via emails, and to his family story, and the reason why is isn’t a graduate and how I promised to lend him money to rent an apartment and…
She stopped me there. You promised him what? A twenty four year old girl, wants to rent an apartment for a forty year old man! Is he mad? Are you even mad? So you want to feed him for the rest of your life? Biko you better put an end to that rubbish you both are forming. Oghene! Do you know the plans and aspirations I have of you? And you want to ruin yourself with that overgrown baby sucker? Please, don’t do this to yourself. Why did you change this much Ufoma? I don’t know you to be weak, vulnerable and naïve.
Aunty, I just feel its my fault no one wants me. I feel I am too strong and too tough for a wife.
What rubbish are you saying? At this little age of yours you are saying no one wants you? What rubbish! You better go start reading for your masters, and when you are done you go for your doctorate degree. I want you to build an empire for yourself, leave the company and go set yours up. And you have to be strong to do all that! What has gotten over you? Aren’t you the one that use to talk sense to that your stupid friend Ini who still ended up making the worst mistake of her life? Now you want to follow the same path she took. If you try it eh, I will disown you! You won’t even see me there. Rubbish!
Aunty Ejiro was really angry at me and talked a lot of sense into me that day. How could I have changed so much. I am supposed to influence the people in my life and not them influencing me with wrong views and attitudes. Its obvious that Tolu is just a lazy and shameless old man looking for who to take care of him in his old age after he has outlived his usefulness. Truly, a fool at forty is a fool forever. That’s who he is and I don’t want to be part of his so called world.

As I drove home, I was planning the whole breakup with guilt but I never knew Tolu would make it all easy.
I got a message from him saying he is not financially buoyant now and will need me to help him with transport to come see me on Saturday.
That was the last straw. I haven’t met this man before, he was coming to see me for the first time and he wants me to pay his t-fer? Like seriously? Just mainland right here? That would not cost more that two thousand to and fro? I didn’t reply message.
When I got home and freshened up, his call came in.
My love how are you?
Good. I replied.
This one you are sounding like this, are you okay?
Yes. Just tired.
Oh really. Sorry but when we are married that won’t stop you from cooking my meals o.
I would just buy us dinner. I played along.
No I eat only home made food. I will give you strength to enter the kitchen and go cook.
Seriously? Even when I am tried?
I will pray for strength for you.
Can you imagine? I said to myself. So he can’t take care of me financially, and I have to help him stand as a man and rent a place for him, and will be bringing in the funds, still I have to go into the kitchen and cook even when I am tired? This is definitely not my husband. I would have died if I had gone ahead and married this man this year. Oghene! My life for worse pass Ini's. What do I want to do to myself? Oh no this isn’t love. Love is never planned. When you give yourself a calendar to fall in love then it isn’t love. You don’t plan to fall in love, you just do. And when you aren’t in love, why should you get married? This is just nonsense.
I took my phone and sent Tolu a message. It was a short message that read:
Tolu, I don’t think you are ready for marriage. Please go online and read materials related to marriage and what it entails for a man planing to be the head of a woman. When you are ready and I am still available, you can come woo me with gifts not just sweet words. Good night.
Immediately he got the message, he tried calling me once but I refused to pick. He sent a message saying: Baby why are you trying to ruin everything? Didn’t you promise to give me money to rent a place and plan for our wedding?
And that was the last time I heard from him again. I guess he knew his games were up and just decided to leave quietly.
Such is life. We win some battles, and we lose some. I would have messed up my life if I had married Tolu. Such a lazy and selfish man. He wants everything in a woman; she should be tall, beautiful with good shape, educated, working, and should be able to feed him and give him money. To top it all be AA, and he got fortunate with a virgin. But his own side is completely zero. Wetin I wan use his fine and tall do?
I am glad I went to discuss things with my aunty Ejiro today, even Ini would have laughed at me. I remembered she told me I would regret following her path. This is just another way I thought I died. Thank God for His saving grace.

God prevented the storm I was forming.


© 2020 Jade George Anibor

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