The Never Ending Tunnel - Chapter One
Chapter : 1 / 18
You can't run away from what you truly feel inside. You can hide it by faking a smile and that's something which most people choose to do. People prefer to run away from their problem, be in denial that they need help. For some reason, people prefer not to seek out and get help and just get worse and worse until it all becomes too much to handle. Will was one of those people. From the minute Will wakes up he puts on a fake smile and goes on with his day as though nothing is bothering him when in reality, he was even struggling to get out of bed. Getting out of bed was one of the biggest struggles.
Two years ago Will was diagnosed with depression and when you add that with his family's drama it becomes a little bit way too hard to handle, especially for a seventeen year old who is still trying to figure out himself.
Will's parents are far from capable of raising a seventeen year old. If they tried they could but they don't even care anyways. All his dad cares about is drinking, drinking and drinking whereas his mum just leaves the house every night and doesn't return until the next morning. In the meantime Will even struggles to get out of bed and has to do his best to not let his darkest thoughts win.
Whilst his parents are fighting about irrelevant things, they do not realise that their son is suffering. They do not realise that their son is suffering and he is going through all of this all on his own. If only they knew what was going on inside his head.
School is no better either. He has two different types of hells: that at home and that at school. The former may be a little bit better but nonetheless, it's still hell. As if Will has the mind to listen to all the teachers bitch and shout at him for not handing in his assignments. All people care about is good grades when they have no idea what the student is going through. Sometimes, kids are going through shit and they're suffering and they still have to put up with the bullshit that comes with school. If only teachers could acknowledge the fact that some students are going through difficult times.
People do not take mental illnesses seriously. Some people think that depression is a self-inflicted thing which isn't severe when it eats you from the inside. People do not take mental illnesses as seriously as they should. Once it is too late they start feeling the guilt. After the person decides to take his own life, then they might start thinking about all those times they dissed the person for not going out on the weekend or for being quiet. People think that depression is easy. People think that depression can be easily overcomes by just "being more positive" or by "trying harder". God those phrases are the worst. When it is all too late, people start caring.
All Will can think of right now as he lays on his bed at the psychiatric hospital is of all those Christmases that went wrong. All he can think of is his dad being drunk at ten in the morning and throwing the Christmas tree across the room whilst his mother is shouting at him because family was coming over and he was in a horrible state.
That day was an absolute disaster. His father left the house and didn't return until the following day whilst his mum left the house too and Will was stuck with his uncle and aunt who kept on questioning him why his parents had left. Will spent that Christmas day on his own in his room, eating a ham and cheese sandwich. Well that is just one Christmas. There are plenty of other episodes which are even worse
Will never really understood why his dad would get drunk every single day when he had a family to look after and he never understood why his mum would leave the house almost every day and return the following day. They were both so miserable and whenever they were in the same room as each other, it would always end up in a fight.
A few months later his parents decided to live separate lives. His mum used to say said that she couldn't stand his father being drunk all the time and then they would start fighting. Their fights never stopped. Once they calmed down for a while they would find something else to fight on. That went on for years and years and Will had to go through all of this whilst he was going through his own problems.
All that was going on became too much to handle for Will and apart from that, he couldn't control how his brain worked. He couldn't control the chemical imbalance he had been suffering from these past months, something people tend to forget about. You can't just change the way your brain works and it is certainly not something you can get over easily.
It all began after his school counsellor contacted his parents as he had been noticing that Will had been having a hard time. His grades were falling and the counsellor would always see Will on his own during lunch time. After a few weeks later, Will was put on anti-depressants and he had been on them ever since.
Teenage years are supposed to be the years people discover themselves, shape their personalities and find their purpose in life. In Will's case, the anti-depressants had shaped his personality. He never had that chance to be himself and be the way he wanted to. His life revolved around medication and that medication shaped out his entire life.
Things weren't getting better at all and all he could hear was those tiny voices inside his head telling him to end it all, after all, he had nothing to live for. It's not like he had a loving family or someone he could put in the effort for. He was lonely and he absolutely hated that feeling.
Will would pass by the school halls and the school foyer and would see people laughing, couples kissing and teenagers being teenagers. Will would move up to the fourth floor and sit on the staircase all alone whilst reading a book or just listening to music. He had nobody. He never really had any friends and he couldn't even imagine going up to someone and start a conversation.
His depression had taken over his life and nothing could change that. No medication and no therapy could ever get him out of the spiral of negativity and sadness he had found himself in. Every night he would look himself in the mirror and all he would see was a broken person. He was broken from the inside. He couldn't even have a normal conversation with anybody because of his anxiety. All these mental illnesses consumed his life and quite frankly, ruined his life.
Fast forward to two years later he swallowed half the bottle of his medication. The second he swallowed the pills he regretted it immediately and he told his mother immediately who called an ambulance. It may sound like a cry for help and that is exactly what it was. He was so fed up of waking up in the morning and being depressed from the second he opened his eyes. He wanted things to change and that night he thought that things couldn't change. That night he felt like he was fighting a lost battle. The suicidal thoughts had took over his mind.
Asking for help is not something to be ashamed of. Everybody needs help, some people more than others but that doesn't mean that they're any less of a person than the normal person who wakes up with a smile on his face and who looks himself in the mirror and is pleased with the person he sees.
A day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of the look on his mother's face as he was passing out slowly slowly. Maybe she didn't exactly show her love but she didn't want her only son to die right in front of her. She cried for hours, waiting outside the hospital room waiting for news on Will's situation. Every night Will goes to sleep with the image of his mum sitting beside him in the ambulance crying her eyes out. She was witnessing her only son dying right in front of her. No matter how mad he was at his parents for never really giving him a chance to have a normal childhood, he never wanted to see that look that was on his mother's face ever again.
After an hour and a half waiting outside the emergency room his dad showed up too. She could smell the smell of alcohol on him. Not everybody deals with their problems the same way and maybe the way he could ever escape from his problems was through alcohol. Maybe that's the reason why he had been getting drunk almost every day for these past years as he didn't want to face the harsh reality that is life. He was concerned too though. Deep down he cared about Will too. Both of them cared about him and loved him, they just didn't show it.
The following day both his parents sat down with Will's therapist and they both thought it would be the best idea that Will stayed in a psychiatric hospital until he was healthy enough to get back home. He would have to spend a number of weeks or months until he got the clearance which would indicate that he was not a risk to himself or others and then he would be able to return home which would be followed by regular therapy sessions.
Deep down he knew that he was lucky to be alive. Maybe this was his second chance but no words could describe how depressed he feels. No words could describe the horrible state he currently is in mentally. All these past months he had been suffering on his own have bottled up and ended up with Will trying to end his life.
Will had never felt worse than he had felt that first night he spent in the psychiatric hospital. No feeling in the word could show how sad and hopeless he felt. As he was making his way to his room he saw so many patients who similarly were going through a very rough time in their life. He knew he wasn't alone in feeling this way and this was the only way possible that he could ever get better and move forward.
Every day, people like Will have to go through this suffering. Just because people don't seem sad on the outside doesn't mean they aren't battling with their problems. In most cases, people who suffer from depression wake up in the morning and put on a mask and try and live on their life as though they aren't depressed. Mental illnesses should be taken as serious as physical injuries and disabilities are.