The Never Ending Tunnel - Chapter Nine
Chapter 9 / 18
Chapter 9 / 18
What was the point in getting out of bed when you don't have the motivation and no reason to? What's the point in living a lost battle? What's the point in even trying to get better?
These are the questions Jess, Will and every other depressed person asks himself each and every second of the day. What was the fucking point in anything? Why don't people take mental illnesses as important as they should be taken? Why do countries spend thousands of money on irrelevant things when they could invest that money in hospitals and other things to help people suffering with mental illnesses? Mental illnesses are far more important than what people think.
Mental illnesses aren't taken as seriously as they should be taken. People look down on mentally ill people for no reason at all and then, when it is all too late they start feeling remorse for the person. They start questioning why that person had decided to take his own life.
Suicide is an epidemic. An epidemic which isn't taken seriously enough unfortunately. On average, one person commits suicide every forty seconds somewhere in the world. Six point seven percent of the United States' population suffers from major depression and yet it is not talked about enough.
Why do people feel the need of making a person who is already suffering feel guilty about his illness? Why do people feel the need to tell someone to get over an illness they don't have control over? They certainly wouldn't go to a person with no limbs and tell him to go and walk and that's exactly what depression is. You can't just get over depression or be more positive or think like a normal person. You absolutely can't do such a thing. Whether the depression is caused by traumatic experiences or chemical imbalances, it certainly isn't something someone can just get over. There's more to it than that and it is very much more complicated.
The mind is more vulnerable at night. It starts replaying memories you don't want to remember, it makes you think of things which seem impossible, it makes you think of how fucked up things are. Jess had one of these nights. She started thinking about her mother. She started feeling guilty because she thought she could have done something to save her mother's life, even though she couldn't have cured her illness. She started thinking about Will and how she lost him. She started thinking about her father and her step-mum and how she humiliated her that day at the therapist's office. Every sad memory she had started replaying inside her head.
Will had been having one of those nights too, although every night is the same for Will. Every night he has to face all the fucked up thoughts which go through his head. His suicidal thoughts, how he let Jess down, how he let both his parents down. Everything was far from great and the only person who made him feel good and that one day things would get better was taken away from him. Now he had to win her back.
"Why the fuck do I have to go through all of this? Haven't I gone through enough shit? I can't fucking do this anymore. I'm so fucking done with everything." Jess thought to herself. She was talking to herself about how everything was super fucked up and nothing was worth fighting for anymore. Her thoughts had become too overwhelming and she started crying. This time there wasn't Will to cry on his shoulder. There wasn't Will to tell her that everything would be okay. This time, she was all alone.
Matt couldn't sleep. He couldn't keep Jess out of his mind. He cared about her. As he walked down the hallway he saw Jess' room light on and saw her crying.
Matt knocked on her door. "Jess? Are you okay?"
She looked at Matt, her eyes all red and puffy from crying. She needed someone and Matt was there. He wasn't Will but that didn't go through her mind. She didn't want to be alone.
As Matt entered her room he sat on the edge of her bed, with Jess crying next to him. He wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to show her that he cared about her.
"Everything is falling into pieces Matt and I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do."
Matt hugged her tightly. "Do you want to talk about it? I've heard that talking about your problems helps."
"I miss my mother. She passed away a few years ago. Everything went downhill from then on. And now I found a person who makes me forget about how fucked up things are and he's gone. They took him away from me and there's nothing we can do about it."
"It will be okay Jess. Trust me. Things aren't meant to be easy – things aren't designed that way but I can promise you that it's worth it. You're worth it."
She continued crying on his shoulder and he hugged her, reassuring her that things would be okay.
"I'm sorry Matt, I didn't mean to bring you into this mess."
"It's okay Jess I care about you. If I didn't want to come in and listen to you I would have just kept on walking."
"Where were you going? I thought we couldn't leave our rooms after eight thirty."
"No, you're right, we can't. But at home I used to spend hours on the roof watching the stars and the moon and now I sneak up to the roof and do the same thing. I am fascinated at how infinite the universe is and it takes my mind off things. Besides, I couldn't sleep and I really needed the distraction."
Wasn't it ironic how Will and Jess used to do the same thing? They used to spend nights on the roof stargazing while enjoying each other's companies. Things were better a few weeks ago.
"I love doing that too. Will and I used to spend hours stargazing and looking at the moon."
"Yeah, Will. The guy who they took him away from me. The guy I told you about earlier."
"Well if you want I was about to head to the roof. If you want to come with me you're more than welcome. I could use your company too."
"That would be great. Thank you so much for putting up with my shit."
Jess wiped her eyes and gave him a smile. They stood up and headed upstairs to the roof. This brought up so many memories for Jess. All these memories about Will and her came to her head and she really treasured those memories. Even if she wasn't going to see Will again, those memories will always mean the world to her.
It was now three o'clock in the morning and Matt and Jess were still up on the roof talking about everything. They talked about their childhoods and what they had been through. In the meantime Will was still in bed, trying to fall asleep. He had spent the last three hours crying on his own. His pillow was soaked from all the crying. He had nobody and he really needed somebody in his life.
His thoughts never left him alone. They always kept him up at night. He hadn't gotten a proper good night's sleep in years and he was exhausted from all of this. He was exhausted from feeling depressed all the time. He felt exhausted of feeling tired all the time. He just wanted things to be okay. He wanted to be happy.
Will started thinking about the letter he had written to Jess. He started thinking about the plan and started questioning if it was a good idea. He doubted his plan. He wasn't sure if Jess would even go through with the plan. He was scared of making things worse for her and that was one thing he didn't want to do. He just wanted her to be happy and he wanted to be with her. The only possible way they could ever be together again is if Will goes through with the plan. If on the other hand he doesn't, then that meant they he would probably never see Jess again.
He asked himself a million questions. He hadn't realised how much in love he was with her. He wanted to be with her and he absolutely couldn't wait for another month. Will couldn't stop crying. He cried harder and harder as he kept asking himself questions. Questions neither he nor anybody else had answers to. Questions which were taking over his mind and were keeping him up at night. It was a very long night for him.
Will sat down at his usual spot at breakfast. He started noticing that there were new faces in the room. He noticed a young boy, maybe thirteen years of age. How could a kid that young be suffering from a mental illness already? How could have a person that young had already tried to commit suicide? He absolutely couldn't understand this philosophy. Is life really this cruel that it takes your childhood away and replaces it with these negative suicidal thoughts instead? He couldn't understand why anybody had to go through all of this. What was the point in life if you ended up trying to kill yourself?
Will couldn't remember one positive thing about his childhood. Whenever he thought about his childhood years all he could think of was his parents fighting and insulting each other and even throwing things at each other. Whenever he looked back to his childhood years all he could remember was all those nights he spent in his room all alone crying and all those days at school he spent on his own crying. Maybe that's when the depression started developing. Maybe that's when his mind started replacing positive thoughts with negative ones. Maybe that's when he started losing hope in life.
There was only one thing he could do to maybe reach that silver lining in his life. He could only reach that silver lining if he got back with Jess and the only way that could ever happen was if he posted the letter and went through with the plan. That was the only way possible he could ever be with Jess. And he couldn't imagine himself living without her. He had no other option. He had finally made the decision to post it. He now was certain that he had to go through with the plan. After thinking about it he realised that the only way he can ever be happy was if he was with Jess. He couldn't imagine himself without her and neither could she. Jess wanted to be with him as much as he did. They both loved each other immensely and would do anything to get back together.