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The Chance of Doing My Life Over - Part 5

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The Campus

The University I had attended in Life One was the same I did in Life Two. It was a highly rated institution, extremely diverse and, as a super plus, in walking distance from where I lived.

It was very large and there were various sections which had been 'captured' by specific groups.

In Life One I was revolutionary and hung over there, by the Liberation Library. I'd visit the Feminists who had an 'office' over there, the Panthers, who had their headquarters in that building and the various groups concerned with human rights.

All of these organizations were on this side of the campus.

In Life One I avoided the south side section. That was where those of my race, religion, status hung out. Having experienced some anti-Semitism they were only focused on what effected their race/religion/status.

The Glaring errors I had made in Life One were almost audible.

I had been putting other people before myself. I had looked at the 'big picture' and strove to 'make the world a better place'.

This 'service', this 'self-sacrifice' had resulted in leaving me alone and empty.

I would not be alone and empty in Life Two. I would think of me. What would profit me. I excreted all care about anyone or anything which would not be to my benefit.


Then/Now

In Life One I had been independent, revolutionary. I'd gotten a lot of jobs, saved my money, and put myself through college.

In Life Two, having become that dependent subservient daughter, my parents were buying my books, giving me pocket change. They bought my clothes as if I were ten years old.

I was extremely courteous and loving to them. It was in my interest to conform to their pattern.

As for the rest of the world; I took no part in any protest, didn't sign any petition, ignored the demonstrations. I chose to be an outsider with no world beyond my family.

Now, I decided to befriend those of my category where I should be able to find a husband my parents would adore.

Relocation

Those my race/religion/background were having a little meeting and I decided to attend.

For the first time I went to 'their' section of the Campus.

I was the 'new' face and was questioned and gave the right answers. For they were the truth.

I played my role of quiet and unopinated, pleasant and decent. I was the kind of sheep every organization desires. Someone who matched the grid and would fit in easily.

I met many people in my category and became part of their circle. Although I found them dull and selfish, I kept that to myself.

My task was to select a husband.

Choosing My Mate

Within a month among my 'group', I chose a bright man, not unattractive. The kind of man my mother would pick as a husband for me.

We spoke easily, that is, he spoke and I agreed. When I spoke, I asked the right kind of question, added the acceptable response. In short, I became his shadow.

We occasionally had coffee together during the day. It was a quiet relationship, but significant.

One day he walked me home. I had him come up to meet my mother. As he accepted, I knew our relationship would blossom, for no one wants to meet the parents of a minor acquaintance.

Meeting the Family

From the moment my mother saw him she was elated, and invited him to dinner.

He couldn't stay as his mother was expecting him, but would take a 'rain check'. My mother instantly asked if tomorrow would be alright and he smilingly agreed, looking at me with affection.

When he took his leave my mother was raving about him. I acted as if he was my beloved.

I was proud of myself for selecting 'her choice'.

I knew that if I married him, I wouldn't lose my family but gain his.

No Stress

The next day my 'intended' sat at our dinner table. My parents were dumping love on him. I was being quiet and discreet, feeling my sister's annoyance.

My sister had, in this life and in the past, wanted to be the center. She didn't want anyone else to intercede.

In Life One, it had annoyed her that I had life, friends, and go places with them and without her.

To reflect, I never went anywhere with her save when our parents took us out. I never thought of her.

If I wanted to go to a Fair, a Beach, an Amusement Park, I went with a friend. She had never been part of my life.

In Life Two, I had pretended she was important to me. I never tried to dominate her, I never expressed opinions. This had lulled her into thinking she was the sun around which I orbited.

Now, I was going to marry this man in a perfect religious ceremony prized by his family and my own.

I was going to live with him in his parent's house, and then in our own house.

I was not going to be alone in a hovel crying because my husband beat me and there was no one I could call and no place to go.

I would not bear three children who would despise me for being everything they were not and could never be.

I was going to be part of a large family where my husband had to obey all the rules, (as did I) and there would be no dramas.

Maybe boring to those who haven't lived before, but not to me. Not to me who had been through the wildest adventures, the most traumatic of disasters.

What I had learned from Life One is what I implemented in Life Two. A stress free life with no pressure, no decisions. Yes, sure, dull and boring and repetitious, but that is what I wanted.