I have PTSD, partly caused from things that happen to me as a child. Some of this story is true and other parts, some are fiction.
When I tell people about the darkness I was walked through in my life, I only give them a glance.
I don’t expect them to completely understand my pain or how dark my soul really is. How could I possibly make them fully understand me? When I don’t understand myself. I was brought into this world as a mistake by people who where unable to take care of themselves, much less care for a child. They where lost in this world, without knowing that they where lost.
I have been told by people
I have been told by people who where there, people who stood by and watched what it was like when I was born, what my beginning was like. They stood by and just watch me the helpless in my crib with no one willing to cuddle me in loving arms. This was the beginning of my disconnected life. Where I learned the talent of being the observer. Not really feeling, not really fitting and not really loving.
They did the best they could
My Mother, the victim of molestation by her father. Unloved by her mother. The poor Paranoid schizophrenic who's entire life was bout survival. My father who only knew how to work and throw money at the problem. He loved as best he could with his shallow soul. My father the workaholic, alcoholic and drug addict. Both my parents broken and distant unable to love themselves, each other or even their child, who was me.
Forms of love
The forms of love I received was in being taught how to work, make money, manipulate people, seek book knowledge and how to lie, these things were taught to me by my father. I was taught how to care for a mentally ill person by my mother. My father’s mother taught me about real magick and how to be a healer. My mother’s mother taught me how to avoid the anger of a broken person. My half brother who was 17 years older than me was, the first man to plant a seed of distrust of all men.
The Library was my refuge
I had trouble fitting with my peers at school. In what I lacked in social skills I made up for in my thirst for knowledge. I loved the library. It was my shelter, my sanctuary and my safe place. I took every chance I could to be in the library. Then one day everything changed. I was setting there at one of my favorite tables with one of my favorite books opened to a page I had read a dozen times. Completely emerged in my world of make believe. Was it the Shire helping Bilbo on his way to a grand adventure, was I in Xanth grasping at the meanings of puns, or better yet was I in Camelot trying to convince Guinevere not to betray King Arthur? Where I was in my head doesn’t matter as much as what was setting across from me at that very moment. My 15 year old self felt the presents of an other human being.
Slowly looked up to see bright blue eye staring into my soul.
He smiled as he slid a picture he had been drawing over to me. It was a long stem rose, with a drop of blood dripping from a single thorn. The rose was drawn on everyday school ruled lined paper, in pencil. It was the most beautiful picture I have ever seen in my life. Then he spoke “I drew this for you.” It was Randy, the quarter back of our high school football team. At first I was not sure he was speaking to me. Then he spoke again “Yes, Razel I am speaking to you.”
I couldn’t trust myself to speak. I had spent my entire life up to that very moment as a ghost unseen and seldom thought of. Now I sat at this table across from the only boy in school that had ever made me wish that I was more than a dumpy tomboy. My mouth opened but no words came out. It had to be a joke.
Randy Spoke again “No Razel this is no joke. Would you like to take a ride with me? It is to nice of a Saturday to stay in this stuffy library.”
I looked down at the book I was reading. Randy laughed and held out his hand. As if I was in a dream I put my hand in his and allowed him to pull me to my feet. He lead me out of the library and down the steps. Randy spoke again “You are very special you know. We have been watching you for a long time.”
My voice screamed in my head “I am nobody! Why would anyone be watching me, of all people.”
I am driving you to your destiny
Randy laughed and said “Because magic is real, and it is time you learn just how special you are. Here is proof. Have you spoke a single word out loud? How do I know what you have been thinking?”
At that moment the world spun and I didn’t come to my senses until I was looking out the windshield of Randy’s Blue 1974 Mustang. I finally found my voice and said “Where are we going?
Randy laughed low and deep. And he said “I am driving you to your destiny. Seeing is believing and it is time for you to truly believe. Now hush, we will be there soon.”
Randy reached over with his left hand and gently brushed his fingers down my face. As his fingers crossed my eyes, my eye lids closed and I fell asleep.
I awoke abruptly, so fast that it hurt every cell of my body. In some disconnected, unknown way this pain felt good. As the pain intensity reached it’s peak and slowly washed away, I could not but wish, and long for the pain to return. It was akin to finally finding what you have craved your entire life, and having it curly jerked away. The most painful part of it all, there was no hope of ever feeling it again.
From birth I had honed the talent of appearing to be asleep while I used my mind to reach out and examine my surroundings. I remained completely relaxed as I began my systematic analysis of my surroundings.
I could fell air ebbing and flowing around me. I knew that because of the way my skin reacted I was completely naked. I felt a hard, smooth surface under me, unforgiving, solid. I was laying on stone.
Someone had positioned me with great care on this stone. Placing me exactly how they wanted me to be. My legs where slightly apart, my feet where naturally relaxed falling outward. My arms lay slightly away from my body, palms turned down, touching the cold hard stone. I could feel that there was something under my neck. It was hard and cylindrical in shape. Placed carefully by another to maintain a natural position of my body and head. I could not feel any restraints holding my body. Who ever placed me here did not expect me to wake. They did not expect me to struggle against whatever they had planed for me.
I began to expand my mind to gather information on what kind of room I was in, and if any people who where sharing this space with me. I slowly allowed my mind to find the edges of the stone my body rested on. I could scene that the stone surface supported my entire body. I could tell that there sharp edges all around me, just out of the touch of my skin. I was laying on a rectangle, stone surface. I continued my minds search of the room. The stone my body rested on was supported by a smaller stone pedestal that stood on a stone floor. The stone floor was not smooth like the stone my body rested on. The floor was made of irregularly shaped stones. These stones where placed carefully to allow ease of moment over it’s surface. A stone floor!
My mind continued it’s exploration of my bodies surroundings. Expanding out ward I discovered the edges of the floor. I discovered the walls that encased the floor. The room I was in was square. The stone I rested on was in the center of the room. There was no human in the room with me. The walls where made of the same rock as the walls, but where left in there natural state, with sharp protruding points. As my scene moved up each wall I could tell there was several heat sources on the walls. The heat was hardly detectable by my body. It gave off flickering light. With my eyes closed I could see the familiar flickers of fire. There was torches on the walls.
The ceiling was solid and positioned, at a height that a very tall man could comfortable transverse the room, I was in. On the wall to my right I could feel the only source of air in this room. It was aligned in exact center of the wall to the right of me. It’s height met both the floor and the ceiling. It was a door way. I could scene stone steps rising slowly and gradually from the floor of the room I was in. The room I was in was underground. The door and stairs where wide enough to allow two normally sized people to pass comfortably shoulder to shoulder. I could tell that my energy was leaving me. I knew that I needed to pull all of my scenes into my mind. And slowly I began the process of gathering myself to my body.
I don’t know how long I laid on that stone awaiting what would come next. From the moment of my birth I had learned to not fight things beyond my control. I entered a time beyond time and space. Then I heard heavy foot falls landing on the steps leading down into the room I was in. The person was bigger and heavier than the one who had brought me to this room I was in. I quickly and with the practice of the few years I had breathed on this earth, shut everything down in my body. I allowed only the basic life support that my body needed.
the twinkle of glee
The next time I woke up, I was setting in the library again. I could feel Randy staring at me. Patiently waiting for me to look up. I slowly raised my head and gaze to meet his eyes. In his eyes I could see the twinkle of glee. You know the one you see in someone’s eyes when they think they have done something that you have no knowledge of.
Randy’s lips parted and words came from his lips “Hey, Do you want to go get a burger or something?
© 2019 Razel Magick