A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.
"This has been quite evident for the longest time, but it has grown quite a lot in the past few years, becoming more and more frequent in appearance only after I began to live away from my parents and together with love. I am talking about myself and what I've come to call the Scrooge Syndrome.
My mother, if I remember correctly used to say that such behaviors were inherited from my father whom, much like I am starting to behave now, manifested the same type of behavioral patterns. Much to my dismay, I am extremely aware of the way I act, and how much it robs those dear to me of the simple joys of daily life. My situation is somewhat tantamount to that of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, whereas I am a single mind, split in two by my urges to act based on my impulses and unwillingness to act according to an extrinsic factor. I could say that I somehow end up alone more times than I can count because of this but honestly, solitude wasn't bestowed upon me by others as more often than not, I chose it. It certainly feels like I am making the victim out of myself right now, and believe me, this happens more than you think, and it gets old and unbearable, and there you have it, my insufferable self emerges. I could control my noxious quirks and actions but every time I find myself in such a situation, I sense it welling inside me as if the feeling weighs down on me, thus stopping me from acting the way I do. I've come to believe my mother.
Fitting in and working together in groups has always been a daunting task for my younger self, and I am ashamed to say that the older me hasn't surpassed younger me by much, if at all. I shy away from activities that involve happiness and optimism where the simple reason of acting that way is a very awkward 'just because" or whatever else a person would require as reason. I just cannot understand or maybe I just don't care, and so I find them to be an eyesore and this is probably due to me being slightly envious of them and their ability to live and ignore the futility of life. Innocence is honestly a gift, and it dies out for everyone eventually, and as far as I am concerned, I am one whom does not know when he lost his innocence but paradoxically I still cling to innocent dreams, filled with a lot of uncertainty and unlike a child whom possesses an unwavering faith in his dream specifically because of his innocence, I am fully aware how low the chances are for my dreams to become tangible.
Any behavior manifested by a living being needs a stimulus for it to appear, and in my case with my Scrooge Syndrome as I have decided to call it, it's a very simple but quite antagonizing truth. Love. She possesses the power to conjure from within me the purest and rawest of feelings, albeit there is a drawback, that being that both the pleasant and unpleasant sides of me can appear.
Towards love, precisely because I harbor feelings, I sometimes act in ways that can be called anything but loving and the reason why I am writing this is to say it without having to express it verbally since it isn't something I am proud of feeling, and ultimately, I still love her and wish to hurt her as less as possible. The way I am isn't compatible with what society demands, and this discrepancy is something which I find problematic without end. Discarding myself to become a pawn for society to play chess with is an issue that I fight with everyday. It's sufficient to say that I have made compromises since I haven't much choice if I wish to live within society. Reasons for my reluctance towards society are primarily coming from within, and the compromises that I have come to make are caused by an exterior source, love. I am willing to ignore my fears and act in a way I wouldn't if I were by myself, and that is because love is beside me.
Love does not deserve the treatment through which I put her almost everyday, and I wish I could stop by changing myself into a more simple-minded individual whom does not care for competition, status, jealousy and other such staining human emotions.
An apology is in order but until I will reach a place where I can be free of the shackles that I so vividly see manifested around my legs and wrists, I will not be free of this so called Scrooge Syndrome. Truthfully, I believe no cure exists."
© 2020 Bogdan L
Dale Anderson from The High Seas on September 24, 2020:
Thanks for sharing this. I know how tough it can be to always think of something to share so I always compliment others who can do it and keep going at it.
Rodric Anthony from Peoria, Arizona on September 24, 2020:
This is interestingly impressive and uncomfortably relatable.