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Rampant Thoughts

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A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.

rampant-thoughts-part-3

Part 3

"Am I a failure?

It's subjective really. My life has been filled with nothing but mundane issues associated with normality. The exception would be, the last five to six years, which have been nothing but the polar opposite of what the rest of my life has been up until those years followed. The start of college ignited within, the flame of the old but unavoidable feeling of love, and with that came the storms and hurricanes that stirred my life into something you could say was ripped out of a movie. Love moved me through school, and even life, motivating me to grow and become more than I was before it.

Having made such a sudden appearance, I was left with very few choices, most of which were prominently dichotomous. Simple sounding, yes, but when shoved into making such choices which weren't by any means mundane, I was suddenly caught in a war between my wants and needs. Having my life put on the table and made to choose between what was really of importance to me, and what wasn't, was one of the longest and greatly postponed decisions of my life. My life was to change into something unexpected and even worse, unknown environment that I was to accept because otherwise I would lose love. That, I couldn't lose. Attached to the feeling of love and loving to be around it, eventually I, though reluctant to the idea even to this day, said yes. My simple wish was to be put to the test over the span of the following years, time where love and I endured and bared fangs at the world, and even at each other, for putting one another through such harsh times. Recurrently, we approached collapse, looking the abyss in the eye and considering the possibility of just ending the agony, once and for all. The reason why we didn't do it was and still is, complex but also quite simple. Times, moments, seconds, pieces of memory, parts of each other pooled together to ultimately harden some inside conviction that we would both regret such an ending. A more simpler answer would be, instinct. Grounded by time, and corroded by one's own impatience, love and I were tested to the bone so that the world would take notes and record the depth of a simple wish between two entities whom desired nothing, but the permission to be close enough to touch. Rules, terms and laws, stood between, and flouting was never going to be a solution to the problem that had befallen love and I.

Having gone through all those unnecessary requirements to make my wish come true, I am happy to say that everything that has happened, though daunting and discouraging, has strengthened my conviction that my wish was true, making me feel rewarded for the efforts that I had put in. Everyone that knew me before all these events took place, was surprised to say the least that I would come to choose, and go through with the choices made, considering how no one ever expected much of me as a child. I wanna believe I do not have any regrets, regarding any of my choices in relation to my wish as every time I see my wish as true, brings me joy. I could say I matured rapidly due to being constrained by the notion of losing something really important. I would like to believe that because of the path chosen, I have surpassed some limits of my own and also exceeded expectations of people around me. But even with all these having occurred, am I still selfish? Yes.

That is so because in my mind, I still haven't attained the image about how things should have developed from start to present and future. I started this with an introspective mentality, and the question that I truly seek the answer for, is if I am a failure or not. Ironically, this is one reason that causes my selfishness to manifest often times. Weirdly enough, I will answer myself, and say that I do not think I am a failure, but also slightly think the opposite. I have found love, fought and won the battle to be close to love. I have managed to survive and live until now, continuing the battle that my mother fought to keep me alive ever since I was a child. I went through school and passed, though some of it may be considered by some and even I, worthless just because I do not practice that which I have studied for all those years. Even so, I have gained many other things from those years, and I am sure that those things far outweigh the lessons that I should, but sadly am not sharing with the world in hopes of broadening my own views, and also increase my chances of leading a better life because of it. Everyone has regrets and I live with mine, but those regrets are more or less pushed upon me by others, as I do not think I am leading a life that could be considered a failure.

With the future that still has pages to turn on me, I lie in wait, gazing at the scenery and interfering with how events unfold so that I can create a more welcoming and peaceful end to everything. My plans still have life welled up inside of them, and as I strive to bring them to fruition, I realize that there is no ultimate failure or success for that matter. Though I am aware of the truth, and I can verbalize it freely, I am sadly inept at bringing myself to believe or imbue myself with the power to fully have faith in those words. For me, life is overwhelming with every challenge, pressuring with every second, and even more discouraging with every dream. I am afflicted with a curse of which I am unable to rid myself, and so I lead my life with "a glass half empty" perspective, blind or maybe just too accustomed to my bleak view on it. It is ironic to be honest, how I still strive for great things or at least want to, just so I can maybe one day change how I see the world, or instead change this perspective that corrodes my mind just enough, to eat away at the frame of my mind. Is this an excuse to be a failure? Yes. Is this a reason to be failure? Maybe. And at last, is this a big reason enough to see self as an eternal failure? Never. Having this knowledge doesn't mean I get to change like you would the pages of a book, but I can at least keep in the back of my mind and remind myself endlessly, that despite how I see, what matters in the end is the way I act. This has dragged long enough, and so I will bring it to an end, and say that though my mind isn't as strong as I would like it to be, as long as I am still scribbling down pages, through my actions of each day, I will somehow bring myself closer to the dreams I hold so dearly, and further myself from the idea of failure that keeps whispering malignantly behind me."

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© 2020 Bogdan L

Comments

Bogdan L (author) from New York on September 15, 2020:

Thank you very much. Much appreciated.

Sharon A Robinson on September 15, 2020:

Thought-provoking well wrote.