A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.
"I was told by my mother that these behaviors are from my father's side of the family. I didn't even essay denial. Because I knew how he was and much to my dismay, I see myself as him when I act and think the way I have been, for the past few months.
Presently, they've simmered down, but I still have the same state of mind somewhere inside, lurking while it stalks for a chance to resurface. These feelings of jealousy, frustration and so many more undesirable manifestations of human emotion are slowly eating away at my life, and the way I behave as a human, man and more importantly, partner.
I am nothing but a bipedal blemish if I am to be candid with you, and I know it, but even if that is so, I find it increasingly tougher to restrain my urges to act the way I do. I cannot find reasoning whenever I act this way, and this is caused by my selfishness which has evolved across the years without much of an attempt at suppressing it. When I feel that way, it shows without much effort since in all honesty, I am a very bad liar. While this is a good thing in most cases, in this particular situation, it happens to have the opposite effect. I come to hurt and inflict emotional harm upon those closest to me, which in this case would be her. To be perfectly honest, the prospect of a future with me has in store nothing but misery, and she is not deserving of such a future. But then again, I am selfish.
Excuses and reasons behind everything would be inconsequential to mention as they wouldn't mend at all what has been done. But these lines are not being written to mend anything in the outside world, and that is because they are written to mend what is on the inside of myself or better said, to pacify the turmoil that has been taking shelter within, while intermittently erupting as if it were a volcano spreading its impure dark matter extrinsically affecting all but itself. Once again, I am selfish.
A monster, a nightmare, a future of unhappiness. Those were moments through which my mother went through. I vowed to not bring such events to life and cause grief as that through which my mother went. Ironically, despite all of which she experienced, she still loved. Being witness to both cause and effect, I was firmly convinced that I would not cause that amount of sorrow to the woman I would love. I guess life is nothing but a chain of paradoxes tied together, to give life to nothing but unforeseen circumstances. I am exactly at the starting point of what was my mothers journey through a life of expected happiness but which then turned out to be well, reality.
Momentarily, I feel placid and less of how I felt this morning. Probably not for long. That is certain, unfortunately."
- Rampant Thoughts
Thoughts from a deranged mind.
© 2020 Bogdan L
Bogdan L (author) from New York on September 01, 2020:
tendup24 on August 31, 2020: