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Rampant Thoughts

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A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.

rampant-thoughts-part-8

Part 8.

"I am sick of living. I am sick of having to deal with life and all its intricacies. I am sick of not having control over it and dealing with tomorrow. I am afraid of all of it. It terrifies me. Waking up and having to go to work has me feel like I won't be able to deal with whatever unknown is to follow. It is troublesome and restraining and I do not have enough power to change my circumstances. Indolence has me waste away my time with hedonistic activities that rip me from reality and take me somewhere far, where I won't have to worry about life and its offerings. I realize I am coming off as naught but a spoiled brat who wishes to do whatever he wants without worrying about tomorrow, and the troubles that may be contained within. Imagine a hermit in the mountains, but focus more on being alone and less on being productive. As I write this I begin losing motivation with every word due to becoming aware of how stupid I sound. So stupid that I am beginning to see the picture from a different perspective.

I am prone to being depressed, and just having my mind overflow with thoughts of helplessness, futility and lack of control over one's own life. Sometimes nothing seems to have reason anymore, and goals seem to fade away with time as I lose hope of ever attaining anything worthwhile. Mouthing this to those around me proves detrimental to their well-being so I decided to put it down here instead. Considering how displeasing life can be sometimes, I realize how futile it is to keep complaining as nothing changes even if you scream bloody murder expecting life to be compassionate. It won't, and that is what kills me on the inside and thus I PERSEVERE. There is nothing else I know better as I by nature am pretty stubborn and prefer having life do my bidding and not vice-versa but what can you do aside from enduring and pushing through whatever this experience has to offer. I still loathe it, and until I gain full control I will probably not change my ways but you never know. I do not know what this was but I guess I will just leave it here and take off. Remember. PERSEVERE against everything until everything goes your way."

© 2020 Bogdan L

Comments

Bogdan L (author) from New York on October 26, 2020:

You are very kind. Thank you. Wrote this a long time ago so I am happy to see people enjoy this.

Ivana Divac from Serbia on October 26, 2020:

This is an amazing article and hits very close to home. It's very brave of you to share this. Thank you!