A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.
"Haven't written a single word in a while, and the reason behind my absence might just be a lack of time or direction. I have found myself in an extremely confused and disoriented place lately, and coming out of it fully has yet to happen, but I am definitely working on it.
Major changes have taken place within the confines of my life, and I needed time to adapt to these changes, which were very long overdue, and now that they are surrounding me, I have to admit I am at peace about them. But with every type of change, there are factors which fall in the category of unpleasant and vexing, pushing me choose to either adjust or crack and remain stale.
I strive to become stronger with every challenge so that, at the end of the day, I can fall asleep with a sound mind regarding the events that passed, recent or otherwise. Balancing my present with the future and its opposite counterpart isn't the easiest task for me, thus causing me to always be stuck in the wrong timezone, so to speak. To amalgamate everything in a single word, I would say I am sick with worrying. I worry about money, food, health, hobbies, jobs, love, wife, cancer, dreams, wishes, going outside, waking up in the morning, wasting whatever I come in contact, as if it were the last time I touch it, whatever it may be, not being able to earn a living, doing what I love, having an easier job, growing as an individual, keeping happiness within sights and grasping control over it with my own two hands, pleasing others and the list can go on, with a lot of other things but I will spare you the trouble, since you probably got the gist of it.
I have deduced that what I may be affected by to manifest these thoughts and behavior is anxiety. This isn't any kind of clear diagnosis given to me by an M.D. or Physician, it is just me pondering and concluding that the symptoms coincide with how anxiety manifests. I roll with this idea since, to me it makes sense, and this way I at least have given a form to the irrationality within my own mind. Having this information somehow helps me guide myself to counterattack or at least mitigate any conflict that hinders me from having peace of mind. Long story short, I have been trying to become less negative and put myself on the positive side of things where things are truthfully simpler. I used to say I was a simple man, and that my way of approaching life was simple and straightforward. Irony does come with a pinch of salt, huh?
On top of anxiety, I possess something aching to a "cherry on top", type of situation. Diffidence acts as a tranquilizer when it comes to motivation to pursue hobbies or dreams, without having to throw myself in the garbage and judge myself for everything that may or may not have been my fault. Comparing myself, negaholism and anxiety are the perfect mix to set up someone for failure, and awkwardly enough, I have concocted this blend myself as a result of my life endeavors, reaching conclusions that sadly, did not have future applications if I were to desire a normal life, close to others, unless that group would be the ones inside my head, repeating the same things until they would drive me into solitude and/or depression.
I have been lucky enough to encounter various types of people along the ride, and while not all were meant to become a pleasant memory or a stable part of my life, those that are still here, have been nothing but a gift, given to me to guide me and for me to cherish them for their guidance, affection and effect they've had on my life. Though gratitude is in order, for them the ride alongside me hasn't been the most enjoyable, and this applies the most to the ones closest to me, whom even now are still trying to urge me forward, towards pursuing my dreams and attaining potentials within, yet unknown, mostly to me though. Due to pressure over time, I have come to succumb slightly, and accept the reality that change is in order if I wish to shed off the mindset of fear and worry that has grasped control of my attitude towards life. As it still is a work in progress, and progress is barely unnoticeable, I feel that I am somehow on the right path. All I know for sure is that if I am to remain the way I was and am still, happiness would have eluded my always without mistake, leaving me with bitterness followed by anger and frustration over anything and everything while blaming existence for being cruel, and thus spiraling in a vicious cycle. Change is hard but when it comes to ourselves is the only real decision you have if you wish to grow and evolve. That is my view on the matter. What do you think?"
© 2020 Bogdan L