A failed attempt with too much time to introspect about self and other trivialities.
"She is moving forward. Getting further ahead of me, and I feel I'm not going to reach her. A few days ago this ate at my core without fail as if rust was grasping root inside of me. I admit I even came to think I hated her because she was moving ahead while leaving me behind, to take her place in the hell she despised so greatly. I was there to aid and assist her and now she was abandoning me. That I could not accept. I was enraged. To make her pay for this I laid a wall of silence between us. I wanted her to realize that her actions would not go unpunished. I was selfish.
Blinded by the shadows of my own desires, I had forgotten that her leaving that place was what I wished for from the start. Me being there had come to be with the sole reason of making her experience inside the establishment lighter and less detrimental. I was a mere pawn, thrown in the game just to be of use to her and that was it. Everything was a game in my eyes, where I was the hero on a quest to save the damsel in distress. Fairy tales brought to life to make myself feel irreplaceable in hopes of proving to her how much I cared. Unbeknownst though, was my will to satisfy concealed needs that even I wasn't completely aware of. As always, I was selfish.
Trying and attempting to follow after, proved futile as my wish to do so was declined by forces outside of my control. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have even tried in the first place. She pulled me with her and when I was confronted with failure as if I wasn't good enough to remain beside her, I was feeling hurt. I took it out on her, and that wasn't wise of me to do. She had no fault in me being turned down, but in my frustration and anger I couldn't think straight, and due to not having a clear view of the culprit, I chose the one closest person to me that I considered guilty for everything. It is sufficient to say that I made mistakes upon mistakes, and despite all that's happened she resides beside me still.
Waters have since come to a still, and even though things seem to have not changed in the slightest there might be some change intrinsically, as accepting the way things are brings me peace of mind and a clearer view over what is actually important for me. Am I still selfish?."
© 2020 Bogdan L