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My Private Global War, Part Four

Mike is a long-time supporter of procrastination and enjoys doing as often as he can.


Not a Mixer

I wonder what would happen if I use whiskey to reconstitute one of these MREs? Oh wait, this one has this heating bag rather than it being freeze-dried, so I guess not — the good news more whiskey for me. Let’s see Mongolian beef with rice sounds interesting. Place rice and beef in the pouch after filling up to the line with water and wait ten minutes. While I wait, let’s see what electrolyte lemon/lime tastes like mixed with Wild Turkey………... Trust me, don’t try that. OK, where was I?


The Earth Moves Under My Feet

That SUV should have had a bright neon sign screaming feds. Everyone knows what a black SUV with a limo tint means. The SUV stopped, and two bear-sized men got out and walked over to me. Neither of them said a word; they just went to either side of me and carried me back to the SUV — one on one arm and the other on the other arm. My feet left the path and didn’t touch anything until they touched the inside of the SUV. We rode in silence for what felt like ten years until we stopped at a small airport along state route 18. I was escorted to a jet. Along the way, someone was saying how they had no right to land here, and their plane wouldn’t have enough runway to take off.

The jet took off, and I can only assume there wasn’t a problem because no one was going to tell me if there was. Unlike the car ride, the plane ride was quick, or it felt fast. We touched down into what looked like a wheat field with a runway in the middle of it. The door opened, and two more men were waiting. Unlike the other men, these guys let me walk to the…... well take a guess what they were driving……... Yes, a black SUV. We rode for about two minutes from the runway to what looked like an army base from the 1940s all wooden barracks and metal Quonset huts. Standing next to one of those huts was Diana.

1936 World's Fair

She had a smile on her face, but she also looked tired. She walked up to me and pulled me close, kissing me on the lips. I did my best to act like this was something we did all the time. She whispered into my ear to play along, and she would explain later. An airman……. Is that right? From what I can remember, Airman is what you call a soldier in the air force… I think? Took me by the arm only to let go when she saw the angry look on Diana’s face. Another airman and yes, I’m just going with that name came up on my other side, and the two led me into a building nearby. We went past a large room filled with desks and dust along with typewriters so old they weren’t electric. The place had this musty smell that screamed disuse. On one desk was a coffee cup with the words, “1939 World’s Fair.” They escorted me into a room with a desk and one of those hanging overhead lights with a metal cage guarding the bulb. Instead of a one-way mirror, there was a regular window covered by mesh-like bars.

No, I Just Watch TV

For the next hour or two, I was left alone in this room. The light flickered on and off, and while there was a table, there were no chairs. A light came on in the next room on the other side of the window. A moment or three later, and the door opened. An airman brought in two chairs. I asked for some water, but she just ignored me. I took one of the chairs and sat down, facing the window. A man in a black suit came in and said something about how good it was that I knew to face the glass like I had done this before. I said, “no, I just watch TV.” He stopped for a second like a switch went off in his head. Yes, I was just a bit rude, but I was thirsty, a little angry, and in a small room with no explanation. It’s funny to think that right now, I’m under tons of rubble, but I felt more claustrophobic in an old building made of wood. He asked me how long I knew Diana or as he called her Doctor Herman. I said how it was none of their business. Before he could protest, I said, “look, I’ll tell you about the cloud, the melting deer, and anything else I saw, but what’s happening with Di and me is none of your business.”



As it turned out calling her, Di saved my life and maybe hers. From an early age, people called her Di as they did for Lady Diana, the one that was married to that royal back in England whose name I don’t remember. The man fell silent. He had one of those earpieces in his ear with a wire going to something in his shirt pocket. He turned to the glass then to the door as it opened, and a stereotype walked in. Doctor Jake Goody was short and from the look of him perpetually wrinkled with a lab coat covered in stains. He looked like a short Marty Feldman…... you know the guy that played Igor in the movie Young Frankenstein. Only his hairline was further back on his head, blondish and curly. He also had on the thickest pair of glasses I had ever seen outside of the movies or TV. He told the man in black to get out, and when he was gone, Goody sat down and said, “tell me everything you saw.”

I hate to say it, but the men in black are just movies…….and a comic……and a cartoon, but not really. I told Goody, and yes, that’s what he likes people to call him about what I saw from the deer to the building flattening cloud. As much as I told him, he told me more. I learned more from him than in the entire next week. He said there was no official UFO alien search in any of the official government branches. No men in black or majestic programs. The military watches for asteroids and attacks from other countries, not from the stars. Goody was a Xenobiologist working for the DARPA The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency on a project to weaponize bugs. Yes, they wanted to weaponize bugs for warfare. They were using him because most Entomologists wanted nothing to do with the idiotic idea. Those are his words, not mine, but I do agree. Goody’s work with S.E.T.I Search for extraterrestrial intelligence with his other Ph.D. in Astrophysics made him the obvious choice to lead this team. Yes, he went to college for something like fifteen years to search for ET. I found ET at Walmart for under ten dollars.


Spying of Celebrities

About a week ago, when Diana sent her information to the air force, Goody was sent from his lab at Oakridge to this closed army base with all new equipment and military personnel. They gave him a copy of her work and told him Diana, and her telescope would be there within ten hours. I didn’t want to push him on Diana’s part in all this just in case my lack of information would expose our lie, and I wound up in that hole from earlier. He talked about dark matter and how her work was groundbreaking, but not much else. That is not on her work; he wouldn’t stop talking about everything else. Most of all, he spoke about his love of the actors Dr. Mayim Bialik and Felicia Day. I’m not saying anything here, but if he or they made it through all this, then maybe they should consider a restraining order against him and his use of a DARPA satellite to “see” what his “girls” are “doing.”

I think I was the first person in a while Goody spoke with that could talk back because once he started, he didn’t stop. He told me about the flea army as well as the cockroach army and other nastiness I would have rather not known. He also talked about his first, second, and third wives. His current wife number five looked a lot like Felicia Day if she had straight black hair. He skipped wife number four, but I wouldn’t learn why for about a month but more on her later. Somehow, this man that looked like he was hit with a dump truck full of ugly sticks found and married five different women. Just not all at once. As he talked a black substance that smelled like coffee but tasted like rusty water was brought in along with these cookies shaped like an S. After a bite, I remembered Stella D'oro cookies from my childhood. My mom would buy these for breakfast long before the breakfast bar came around.

Sex with an Audience

He talked for about two hours until a man in an officer’s uniform showed up and pulled Goody away. Before he left, he told the airman to escort me to Doctor Herman’s room. He had this smile on his face that almost made me see how he got so many women, and just maybe how he lost most of them. We went from one building to another. The outside still looked like an almost abandoned building. The airman showed me to a room. Inside I found a pair of gray sweatpants with Air Force running down one leg, a dark blue shirt with the presidential seal, socks, blue Nikes, and a dark gray hoodie. The sizes were my size or as close as you get with such items. Diana came in and kissed me again. I started to push back when she mouthed the words, “they might be watching.”

Diana backed away and pulled her shirt out of the top of her skirt. I remember feeling like my heart had just stopped, then I thought, “yeah, she’s just putting up a front.” Then the skirt came off. I stood there like I had no idea what to do, and I didn’t. She came over to me and unbuckled my belt for the second time since we met. She whispered, “don’t read too much into this. I don’t want to be responsible for your death, so I need you to do me.” My mind heard, responsible, death, and it screamed, do me. I didn’t feel my pants fall away, just her hands on my face then on my chest. I took my shirt off, and we backed toward the bed. I’m going to stop there because the rest of that is between her and me — also, the people that were watching the video feed and me. I will say I did my best to make it seem like we had done that before with each other. In my mind, I changed Diana to Denise and just acted as we had never split up. I would later find out everyone knew, but more on that later.

Two Strangers Pretending to be Long-Time Lovers

I’m going to stop here to say something. I know I’m giving a lot of detail to a story that should be just maybe one to three pages, but I don’t know if I’m going to get out of this, and I want people to know who we were and why we did what we did. I hope to not only explain my part of this story but shed light on heroes like Goody and Diana. Goody might read like a stalker flake, but he…... more on him later, context is key to his story. Diana should have a movie based on her account, but just not one based on my writing because she deserves better. There are other heroes, but I don’t want to jump ahead and lose my train of thought. I also need to slow down on the whiskey. The Mongolian Beef with rice was nice, no dare I say good.

We lay there in bed, two strangers pretending to be long-time lovers wondering just how long we should stay entwined. Diana told me she was trying to prove the existence of dark matter by using a telescope she invented that did something science like I didn’t understand. As I said, I’m not Bill Nye the Science Guy. In her search, she found what looked like a smooth asteroid on its way to the earth. She checked with other telescopes, but no one else could see it. She spent a couple of days collecting information and sent that to the air force, hoping someone would check it out. Oh yeah, that package I delivered was a replacement drive for her work. She sent her older one to the air force. She turned to look at me and asked, “we didn’t use any protection, did we?” I just looked back at her saying nothing. After a moment or two, she said, “well, it would have looked awkward if I asked you about…..., you know.” It was June 9th.


A Good Cup of Joe

We fell asleep for a few hours. I woke to see Diana getting dressed. She said the computer finished crunching the numbers, and she was needed back in Ops. I should make myself at home; they would send someone around with some food soon. I grabbed the clothing they sent for me, and I went into the bathroom. It had this shower straight out of a plumber’s nightmare, with six heads, two wands, and a rain shower as big as the shower stall. The shower was large dare I say for two, but more on that later. I took a long hot shower. The water pressure was intense, and it remained hot the entire time. I got dressed, noting how they didn’t give me any underwear and came out of the bathroom to find a cart filled with fresh fruit, crescents, muffins, coffee, and orange juice. I checked the clock; it was maybe 2 am, which was close enough to breakfast, I suppose, unlike the coffee from before this coffee was beyond exceptional. Everything was great. The general in charge of this base had a personal pastry chef, and it showed in the selection of baked goods.

I Guess We're Not in Ohio Anymore

I turned on the TV to see the news. After some searching, I found MSNBC, but all they were playing were infomercials. I guess 2 am isn’t the time to find local news. I did find out we were in Kansas. I said out loud, “I guess we’re not in Ohio anymore.” You’ll see why that’s important later. I searched around until I found a movie, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. It’s a Steve Martin classic where they took clips from older noir movies and added him reacting to those clips as if they were part of one story. OK, that description sucks, but what do you want? I’m not a film critic. About ten minutes into the movie, Diana came back. She slipped out of her shoes and slacks and into the bed next to me. Diana wrapped her arms around me like we were a couple. She asked me what I was watching, but before I was finished describing the movie, she was asleep.

About four hours later, I woke to find Diana staring at me. No, that wasn’t creepy at all, nope. She leaned in and kissed me with one of her hands slipping down until she found something that wasn’t my hand. She whispered, “don’t jump as I said before; we need to act like we have a relationship.” I said OK and lightly pushed her back, opening her shirt, and well, as I said before, that’s our business. Just as things came to their conclusion, a phone rang. She let it ring so we could continue. Five minutes later, someone just walked into the room. We finished, but neither of us was dressed. They pulled her off the bed and out the door wrapped in a sheet while another airman collected her clothes off the floor. There I was sitting in bed naked, uncovered, with the door open and two airmen standing by. It was now June 10th, ten hours before all heck broke loose.

© 2019 Michael Collins aka Lakemoron