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Fauntleroy and Flossy – They Call me Ishmael


Put-Baby rose from his barber’s chair. Every hair in place. Skin tightening lineament treatment complete. He reached for his jacket and slipped it on. His assistant brushed imaginary lint from his shoulder. Put-Baby walked to the side curtain and waited for Comrade Kuputski to end the introduction.

When done speaking, Kuputski turned and extended both arms toward where Put-Baby stood.

He reached the podium and waited for the compulsory applause to end, roughly thirty-two seconds.

“My friends – Russia has caught itself a whale. Though we set out to catch a whale, we had no idea, no hope really, of catching one.” He paused and gave that wry smile. “The question becomes what do we do with this whale?” Another reflective pause.

“We have to admit that our craft, is not big enough to bring her alongside, without extensive damage to ourselves. History has proven that this beast is without compass, no direction, and no discretion.” There was light applause.

“We are working furiously to untangle ourselves from this burden. The trail of witnesses within our reach have been silenced. Our own people have taken to the streets to show the world that they are alive, not completely passive and are flaunting our authority. We are taking steps here to silence these protestors. Some of our American comrades legislators in red States are doing the same.” Put-Baby let that sink in a moment.

“We are receiving inquiries from Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Poland, and Romania regarding purchasing our newest and deadliest, T-14 Armata tanks. At first this was a mystery to our armament industry. But then our spies in Mission Viejo received coded information about a program tied to the upcoming ejection of millions of citizens and guests from America.” He put his hand to his lips and then continued. “It seems our future options may be do we want to see our tanks cross our borders or do we want tanks made in America or France to cross our borders.”

He stepped in front of the podium. “These are unacceptable results from our years of hard work, subterfuge, infiltration, coercion, bribery and interference. Comrades, the Americans are soft. But I think perhaps without the Germans to make us the fierce fighters like those fearless, deadly machines that fought off Hitler, we too have hidden behind our technology.”

“We know now, that the gullible Americans will swallow the red bait anytime we throw it into the waters of international politics. We know we can stir the Europeans any way we wish. Just like Pavlov, our famous Russian scientist proved over one hundred years ago, the mind is a simple thing to train, be it beast or man.”


“We must be more prudent. We must be careful how and why we set our goals. We cannot be crushed in a moment of victory by the defeat of a giant. We will devour the West, but we have to take her apart in smaller portions. Much smaller portions. We can still enjoy the wealth siphoned off from the Americans through all the cuts being made.”

“I propose that we slowly remove our spies from Washington, D.C. step by step, so there is only a cold trail to follow. Then we will double our hate speech broadcasts, to continue reshaping the thinking to our ‘meinung.’ It is time the Americans learned, the middle class has outlived their usefulness. Time they lived through some economic winters. Once we have achieved that, we are done with the West, we then can turn our attention to the East and the materialistic leaders in China. Comrades, we have won, but we must absorb the loot slowly, or be carried to the bottom of the sea with the prize.”

Put-baby stood waiting for the compulsory applause to stop, then left the stage.

He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed the camouflage phone to deliver the news.


This is a disquieting disclaimer. It is a work of fiction and the fictious whale that was harpooned is the United States of America. The bots, came, they saw, they conquered. The saturated zombie, vampire, culture was no match for the four hundred pound Russian sitting in front of his Moscow laptop. It appears we are the most heavily armed and dangerous pushovers on the planet.


IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Trailer (Moby Dick Movie, Chris Hemworth - 2014)

The Who - I Can See For Miles

© 2017 mckbirdbks


mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on May 14, 2017:

Hello Martie - I went over and read some of the article you mention. It is no surprise that these countries are trying to block the Wall Street Bankers from their business interest. The Wall Street Bankers have used 'money' against all of us in all countries.

Martie Coetser from South Africa on May 14, 2017:

Have you heard about the Bricks Bank? You may find this effort of Russia and Kie to eliminate Western powers quite interesting. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Development_Bank

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on May 05, 2017:

Hello Shy - We as a nation certainly could use some brain food. The rich seem to be winning all the battles. I think that happened in France until a correction took place.

Shyron E Shenko from Texas on May 03, 2017:

Mike, this one is too scary to be funny-on the other hand as Mo one of the three stogies once said to Curly when he was fishing when Curly said fish is good brain food and Mo replied, then you better fish for a whale.

Love this one, don't know how I missed it.

Blessings my friend always

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 11, 2017:

Thank you. TheMoby Dick line fit so well for me as I see Putin struggling to enjoy his victory. He pulled it off. He elected an American president, and low and behold he finds himself in possession of a whale without a sense of direction, or moral compass.

We find ourselves in the hands of a destroyer. Someone who wishes to dismantle, and makes us all smaller in the eyes of the world. A puppet, manipulated from hidden Kremlin strings. You are right, we did not see. We did not put(in) 2 and 2 together and come up with Moscow as the correct answer.

The Right is on the march. They see nothing but victories ahead of them. The Left needs to wake up and figure out that politics is not local it is national.

As for history repeating itself. Does Mar-lago have a bunker?

Genna East from Massachusetts, USA on April 08, 2017:

Lol. Brilliant writing, Mike. Just brilliant. Call me Ishmael is the opening to some of the best paragraphs ever written, one of the most significant metaphors of all time. And to think how Russia takes well-deserved pride in its history of literature and some of the greatest authors who ever took pen in hand: Tolstoy, Chekov; Turgenev, Dostoyevsky. Writing that transcends the constraints of the times with the heart, passions of the human condition with inimitable candor and openness. Can we imagine such books in the hands of someone like Putin, who leaves an indelible smudge, a human stain on every page he turns. What now occupies the Whitehouse was no mere accident, humanity's mutation or destiny's folly. Nor was it a matter of looking the wrong way. It was a matter of not "seeing." How many times does history have to repeat itself?

Have a great weekend, my talented friend. :-)

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hello mar - Yes, 'The Who' one redeeming factor in this weeks episode of Fauntleroy or Flossy. Flossy has long been absent. Thanks for the visit. So much repetitive news regarding Tomahawk Missiles and 'America First' It is impossible to keep pace with the renegades red skins.

Maria Jordan from Jeffersonville PA on April 07, 2017:

"Why didn't you tell me that this harpooner I'd be sharing a bed with is a cannibal, for God's sake?" (Ishmael)

The Who - yes, please - that makes it better. So does TCD I just visited - thanks to Ruby and Patty for the inspiration.

Happy, peaceful weekend, dear Mike. Hugs, mar

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hi Patty - The Millionaire Middle class is real. They all complain how tough it is. When I hear that I just nod my head and have to smile.

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on April 07, 2017:

I love the Don Rickles carriage ride!

The Millionaire Middle Class. That should be a mini-series.

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hi Patty – Most people who have earned some age have facial characteristics that show those hard won battles.Put-Baby does not seem to share those traits. So, I am just guessing, he has had ‘work’ done. But that is just me, guessing.

The Russians may have missed a good opportunity with your idea, sending over the round hovering spacecraft, would have fooled us all. Yet, it appears that we can be easily fooled. Otherwise, how do you explain the existence of Republicans?

Yes, a mugshot seems in order. Long over due. Like the line in Thomas Crown Affair, (2) – “Start arresting people.”

I do know of people in the illusive middle class – they are all struggling millionaires.

I responded to your request and Ruby’s request and did a quick, off the books, TCD3 story regarding Don Rickles.

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on April 07, 2017:

I loved Don Rickles as CPO Sharkey and as a Native American on F Troop. His carriage ride would be a wonder.

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on April 07, 2017:

"Skin tightening lineament treatment"! That makes Put-Baby a Star Trek Reman enemy. I knew it! Put-Baby will be using the facial skin clamps soon.

What with all the Russian infiltration I suspect the UFO phenomenon has been Russian all along. The next time I see an alien, I will casually work Russian into the conversation and see if it answers in Russian without thinking. This will be my new reason for living.

Ready for his close-up. What fun - a mugshot.

Does anyone here really know any person in the illusive Middle Class? Part of the UFO conspiracy, of course, all Middle Class people have been taken away.

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hello Bill - Yes, the whole lot of them need to go. It seems the infection is too deep to save them. Conservative is one thing, malice is totally different.

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hello Ruby - That was a smart choice. LOL

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 07, 2017:

"Comrade legislators in red states"....did you really go there? LOL OMG I love this series!!!

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on April 07, 2017:

I nearly broke my neck trying to see if I knew the driver. I was soo tempted to do the third finger, but my dignity prevailed. Hee...

mckbirdbks (author) from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on April 07, 2017:

Hello Ruby - Please dont worry about WWIII. We as a nation are too old for that kind of thinking. What is there left to fight over. There will be no clean air, no clean water, limited resources, thwarted ideology, and national divide.

Saved from the devil, now that is funny, glad you were able to avoid the temptation to smash into the Lincoln.

I will have to give Don Rickles some thought.

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on April 07, 2017:

It appears that we soon will be entering WWIII...It gave me chills seeing the children after the chemical attack. Trump ordered a retaliation attack without approval from congress. Your satire is scary. One man wanting to rule the world. I went to town this morning and was driving behind a big Lincoln with these words printed on a card. " President Trump saved us from the devil. " Are you going to take Don Rickles on a carriage ride? I really liked him...

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