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Fauntleroy and Flossy – The Press Conference


“I am excited,” Fauntleroy said, looking in the mirror.

Flossy, lying on her big brass bed said, “Oh, really Darling? You have been avoiding press conferences. The press has mentioned that you have been hiding from them.”

“Yeah, yeah, all that fake news. We brainstormed it and figured out how to handle those fools. I will be the first president-elect in history to bring my lawyer to his press conflicts (not a typo.) I won’t be sworn in, thank goodness. And, I will be represented by a top lawyer at a prominent law firm. She will step in to clarify my business positions. And you know everyone trusts what lawyers say. It’s brilliant, I say, brilliant. Why has no other President ever thought to bring their lawyers to their press conferences? Hey, I want a lawyer at all the cabinet meetings.”

Connie, who stood hidden against the wall, wearing a dress that matched the pattern of the room's wallpaper, stepped away from the wall and said, “I’ll see to it.”

Fauntleroy and Flossy looked at each other not realizing she was in the room.

“Hey,” Fauntleroy stopped her. “Find out where those intelligence groups are getting their information. Someone is spying on us, and then leaking to the press. Those fake-news-reporting-dishonest-people really bug me. Find out who could be spying on us, without us knowing.”

“I’ll see to it,” Connie spoke into her iPad recording app. She walked over to his dresser drawer and pulled out a set of green and yellow Lego® pieces and dumped them near the bank of phones.

“What the hell are you doing?” Fauntleroy asked.

“You are going to go on TV and tell the American public you are building a wall between you and your business interest.” She began assembling Lego® pieces. “This green phone is your direct line of Mini–T and Errdick.” She began building the wall.

The Press Conflict

We are going to repeal and replace. We are going to placate and numerate. We are going to take credit whether credit is due or not due. America is going to be great again, because we were great once. What is all this talk about Russia? Russia is a small little issue on the list of issues. Yes, they have nuclear weapons, but hey, so do we. We have many more weapons.”

“Ok, I’ll take a question.” Fauntleroy points towards the crowd.

A voice calls out, “What do you say about the reports that during your trips to Russia, the Russians have information that can and will be damaging to you and your administration?”

“Well, let me address that. During our many missionary missions to Russia to spread the Christian message we were received well. We had big crowds, perhaps the biggest crowds ever seen in Russia. There is nothing in my private life that could not stand up to the brightest spotlight. But that is not why we are here today. I want to tell you that Ford is going to build cars in Michigan. That is great news for the great Michigonians. And boy oh boy, the Fiat-Chrysler people will be building cars in the great state of Indiana. I think that is Indiana, which is no way to be mistaken for Indians, because Indians is in their name. I hope GM, also joins, in making cars in America again; otherwise, they will be subject to a bolder border tax. And speaking of being reimbursed for the wall, GM is going to have to build good, and I mean really good, four wheel automobiles to get their cars over our wall. Next question.”

A voice calls out, “Are you listening to your intelligence agency and the reports they are bringing you? And a follow up question, do you plan to keep up your public concerns regarding their value?”

“Really good question and I am glad you asked that question. Let me say, that I am going to be the greatest job creator in the history of job creators. The real unemployment number is far higher than reported by the current keepers of the numbers. Close to ninety-six million people are unemployed in this country. I am going to drive that number down, first by kicking out of the country several million people. And second, once the dismantling of all the social promises made in the last sixty years and those safety nets taken away, all those people will rush to find any work that this great Federalist society chooses to offer.” He flashed a smile. “Either that or they will not eat. ”

Fauntleroy paused. “I am going to let my lawyer talk for a while. She won’t be taking questions, just presenting the information that we told her to present.”

When she was finished Fauntleroy took the podium, “Thank you everyone. We are getting ready for a big party. We have secured the best Military bands for all the services. They were ordered to play, and have no right of refusal as all those talented liberal people. It is going to be a great party. Then we will be all hung over during the weekend. Then that Monday we will get to work with our great work of making America great again.”


This is a work of fiction. It is a coincidence if there is any resemblance to any nationally acclaimed con men. There are still tickets on sale for the great performance titled, Senate Confirmations. It is getting great ratings in the media. If you feel overwhelmed by the avalanche of information, tumbling down, commingled with disinformation, then the plan is working.

Any reproduction, transmission or broadcast without the express written consent of the fictitious author is a total waste of perfectly good energy. You could be eating ice cream and enjoying the benefit of comfort food.

If you are allergic to Fauntleroy and Flossy or any of the ingredients found in Fauntleroy and Flossy, stop reading and consult your insider trading partner, graft central consultant or your personal money laundering service.


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