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Fauntleroy and Flossy – The 3 A.M. Call

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Fauntleroy lay in bed with his night light on. He reached over and grabbed the green phone from the bank of phones. He dialed and waited for an answer.

“Oh, I am so glad you picked up,” Fauntleroy began. “I had that dream again.”

The reassuring voice of Dr. Fraudslov said. “The one where you are standing in the middle of the field without any clothes.”

“Yes, that one. Tonight there was a Muslim wave coming from the East, and a Mexican army pushing from the South.” Fauntleroy took a deep breath, “Mounties were storming from the North and my God, from the West, were Movie-moguls.”

“What do you suppose it all means?” Fauntleroy panted. “I clearly have an M obsession. The M’s are out to get me.”

“Relaxing, I can simply prove that is not true. You like Mud Dog, McFlint, Marlago, Munchin, Men, Medications, and Money.”

“WAIT, go back.”

“Money?”

“No, further back.”

“Medications?”

“No, one more, I think.”

“Men?” Dr. Fraudslov smiled. I thought you knew. This also is easy to demonstrate. When your Press Secretary first appeared on TV, after he was done, you called and told him to wear nicer clothes. You have the gay gene for sure. You are the only president in history to wake at four a.m. and have two male hair stylists waiting for you. Then the make-up team arrives. So, please tell me you knew. Did you just have a dream where you stood in a field without clothes and had armies of men pursuing you? Where there any women around?”

“I won the electoral college by the most votes in the history of the world. First, they said, 207, was impossible, then 220 but there was no chance at 270. But I got more, more, more, 306. More than anybody.”

Dr. Fraudslov put the phone down on the night stand. He had heard this speech before.

An hour later Fauntleroy hung up the phone. His two shirtless hair stylist had entered the room. He leaned over and put his arm around the life sized mannequin of Flossy. “Good morning, Flossy. Time for me to go to work.”

The staff of stylists and makeup artists began their day.

Fauntleroy picked up the red phone. “I am sitting here looking at the flag of Mexico. Look at the nice bold pattern, Red, White and Green and an Eagle. Why didn’t Betsy DeVous, pick red, white and green when she made the American Flag? So much nicer. So much more aesthetic.”

“Sir, Betsy Ross is credited with designing the flag.”

“Betsy Ross, then why did we give Betsy Devous a job? I thought she designed the flag. What did she do?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“We can still fix this. Maybe a flag with three stripes, one white on top, one red in the middle and one blue at the bottom. And throw one red star, on a white background in the center.”

“Sir, that sounds like the flag North Korea is currently using. I’ll check. Maybe, it is Russia’s flag.”

“Oh, that may be where I saw it.” Fauntleroy sat down the red phone.

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This is a work of fiction. No Russian psychologist, psychiatrist or tarot card reader was consulted during its manufacture. All military forces are as fiction in this writing as they are in the real world.


Readers on antidepressants should put Fauntleroy and Flossy out of their of their own minds, just like Fauntleroy and Flossy are out of their minds. Call your health care provider right away if you become severely ill or become confused or these symptoms: high fever, excessive sweating, rigid muscles, confusion, or changes in your breathing, heartbeat or blood pressure appears. Fauntleroy and Flossy may cause smile lines on cheeks and forehead.

Avoid eating grapefruit or drinking grapefruit juice while you read Fauntleroy and Flossy. It is often sour enough without additional assistance.

You should not drive or operate hazardous machinery until you know how Fauntleroy and Flossy affects you. (Or any other time.) At the time of this writing, there are immigrants that will do these jobs.

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Gimme Shelter 1969 - The Rolling Stone

The Guess Who No sugar tonight / new mother nature

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