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Fauntleroy and Flossy - Garden of Eden


“Invokana!” Fauntleroy cried. He opened the desk drawer and slammed it.

At the sound of the desk drawer slamming, S.S Agent Y stepped into the office, hand on his weapon.

“Invokana!” Fauntleroy cried again.

Agent Y, spoke into his Dick Tracy secret agent watch, “I think he is looking for Model T. Get Model T.”

Fauntleroy passed out, his head hitting the desk.

Agent Y, spoke again into his watch. “Hurry.”

The mixing of Invokana and maximum strength Rogaine brought Fauntleroy into a dreamlike stupor.

Fauntleroy’s eyes opened. He was alone in the Garden of Eden. The air was crisp and electric. Birds sang from the branches of the trees. It was green and lush. He stood and walked through the garden. He stopped and picked up a rock and thought, “This is my rock, mine all mine, no one else, just mine. He smiled and dropped the rock. He walked up to a banana leaf, and felt its texture, again he thought, mine all mine and took a deep breath. Every creation, he passed, or looked upon, he had the same thought. Mine all mine.

This went on for about a week. “I am getting kind of lonely. The birds are travelling around in pairs and the rabbits seem to be having a good time. Oh, look at those bunnies. If there was only someone to have fun with.”

The next morning there was a creature lying next to him when he woke. It had the same amount of fingers and toes. It was a little smaller physically. He found it pleasing to look at. Then he noticed a difference. The couple stood. He bent and picked up a rock. “This is my rock,” he told this new creature.

Her reply was, “Get over yourself. And I think I am pregnant. You are going to have to build us a house. Three bedrooms, two bath, with granite counter tops in the kitchen. We are going to try shag rugs in the living room, and then later decide we don’t like it as much as we thought. And find a rake and clean up the front yard. The camels must learn to hang out at the far end of the garden. If you want any more of this.”

He reached over to grab what was not there and her quick right hand slapped his face.

He rubbed his face, he thought a moment, “What’s pregnant?”

“You’ll see soon enough. Now go gather some food for us. I am going to take a nap. And the fruit from that tree over there looks appetizing.”

Some time after that the new creature brought a similar looking creature into the garden. This one smaller and always making sounds like when he hit his own toe against a rock. Day and night. The she creature won't let him, touch her anymore. The noise, from the kid, is driving him mad. His hair grew and grew. He found combing the mat of hair over the protruding things on the side of his head, cut the noise down from both her and it.

That night he made an excuse, “I am going out to look for a place to build a bigger house.” He went and found a nice tree to sit under. A piece of fruit fell near his hand. Right there and then he resolved to “Make Eden great again.” (MEGA) He lifted the fruit and took a bite. “Mine all mine.”

A Toucan landed next to him and said, “There are spies everywhere.”

A voice from above boomed, "Don't be a man who always reaches for nothing."


This is a work of fiction. No, S.S. agents not S., not P., not Y, were consulted during the construction of this piece. Pharmaceutical industry instructions must be adhered to at all times as there have been cases of allergic reactions to non-active ingredient propylene glycol, which is found in some topical formulations. Pseudoacromegaly is an extremely rare side effect reported with large doses of oral formulations. If the song, 'You're So Vain,' is running over and over in your head, you may want to discontinue use of maximum strength Rogaine.


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