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Fauntleroy and Flossy – Applause Button


“Listen,” Con con Connie said to Fauntleroy. “This is serious. No one wants to eat the Russian food we are serving in the WH cafeteria. The cold borscht is a bust. You told me that the franchise was going to be a money maker. I sunk a chunk of change into this enterprise. I thought you were the big business brain.” She paused. “My president.”

Fauntleroy glanced at her across the royal resident sleeping quarters. “I have four thousand cases of Baltika beer on a freighter being towed into Norfolk Shipyard. “Get out there and make people mad. People always drink more beer when they are mad. You placed your order for four hundred cases and you are going to pay, or I will sue you.” He tried to straighten his red tie. “Who buys these ties? This tie is about a foot too long.” He gave his Billy Goat gruff look. “I am getting push-back from Vader on a few things. I thought he was on board. Bahsee is hold up in his war room – who knows what he is doing? Anybody?” He looked over, gave up on the tie. Fauntleroy kept talking. “It is bad enough I have to rebottle six thousand gallons of vodka. Lucky for me that group in El Salvador offered three cents a bottle. They are going to slap a label over my name and refill those bottles with TicTack and sell the whole lot to the Guatemalans.” Con con Connie was gone.

Fauntleroy glanced over to see if the satellite robot was transmitting. “We are finally going to give payback to the Spanish for their opposition to us in Spain. Of course we are short on Spanish people, so the people of Mexico will have to pay.”

He picked up the red phone, “Get me, whoever was in charge of the applause recording used during the speech given to congress. That was a terrible, the rest of the soundtrack was fine. Every time he pressed the applause recording it came across scratchy and fake. The Dems are responsible. I want to get to the bottom of this. It is the biggest scandal so far in my administration.” He slammed down the red phone. ‘Too bad, no one in Hollywood will work for me,” he thought.

The camouflage phone rang, “Yes.” He listened for a moment or two. “Yes, I took an ax to The State Department. You are getting the payback, for how they have been mistreating you all these years. They will lose influence and more power as we push forward with your plans. How is my mansion on the Black Sea coming along. I may have to leave sooner than we thought.” He listened again. “I can’t just make 187 Congressmen disappear.” A moment later. “What do you mean, why not?”

Put-Baby set down his camouflage phone. His eyes just slits in his face. He thought a moment and picked up the red phone on his bank of phones. When the phone was picked up, he said, “Release the information about his Security Council. We will squeeze him until he gets his people to pay for our tanks, and pay for our planes. I don't care if their children starve, or their cities crumble. When we are done, the Americans will be so afraid that they won't dare intercede when we take the Ukraine or the Balkans, or Poland for that matter. He is right about one thing. You don’t have to defeat the Americans. You have to buy them.” He laughed, “and with their own money.”


This is a work of fiction. No, oligarchs were consulted. All speculation is the twisted imagination of the fictitious author. No leaked Wikileaks reports were reviewed. No Russian spies embedded in the U.S. government offices were called for confirmations.

Fauntleroy and Flossy are not for everyone. Consult your physician at the first sign of opioid induce constipation. Blurry vision, and letters from the Russian alphabet are common under current administrative conditions.


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