March 1st Entry 1
I just got a new phone today; this is the first text or post on putting inside of it. I plan to keep up with this is much as I can. My therapist told me it’s a promising idea to record all my inner thoughts and everything that speaks to me. She said it didn’t matter whether it was real or imaginary, she said it didn’t matter whether it affected me positively or negatively. I just had to write about it and have it out on paper.
So, I’m hoping this entry will help me at some point in the future and allow others who knew me not to follow the same suit that I have.
My therapist said I have more of a… Journalistic approach to my personality. I try to remain objective and see things just as if it were a story happening to me instead of me living my life. I don’t like my life. I hate myself. In fact, I think I’m one of the worst kind of people ever in existence. My parents left me when I was young, away on business, they called it, but they never return. I was seven. Now I’m 16. I have no boyfriend. I have no friends. Everyone at school hates me because of my situation. The fact that I live alone and have no one to care for me at all. My grandmother passed away last year, along with my grandfather a year before I live off whatever they had left, and I don’t get the rest of it until I go to college.
It was last year when I met Deus. Here’s what you would call imaginary friend. I know I know I’m too old for imaginary friends, but he’s the closest thing I have to something real, more so than anyone ever has been in my life. Not even my grandparents, God rest their souls, were as real to me as Deus is. He treats me like I’m real like I’m not a figment of their cruel imagination or someone to abuse.
Deus has a way of speaking about himself which makes him different from everyone else. To be honest, he’s a God in my mind, the God of life and death. I guess to some you would call him an angel of mercy, or you can use him to give into your hate. He also doesn’t care whether you believe in him or not he is what he is, and that’s all there is to it. To me, he is my Deus to him, I’m very well certain I am just happened upon whatever scheme he’s trying to produce.
Okay, to end this. I’m going to hit the save and then off to school.
It was a rough day at school today. It’s been hours since I’ve been home’s that makes it around five or 6 o’clock. I don’t really know time kind of blurs together now it is with me. The days are just as long as they ever were a lot less fun. Since my parents are not here with me makes them even worse. I miss my parents. I really do they pay the bills for the house, but they never call me. It’s like they just abandoned me and would rather keep me abandoned, then find me. I love them but I hate them.
School today was the same old same old, no one talked to me, nor did I reach out to talk to anyone else, I don’t want to burden anyone with me, especially since… Well… I am me. The one who gets picked last, the one who gets abandoned, the one that everyone dies around, so why would I bring anyone into my life when it is so messed up? Yet, there is someone who I’d like, oh boy, I would like to bring into my life, a boy, yes, there’s always a boy. He does seem to be like the others, an outsider like me. Everyone picks on him because of his fair complexion and his dark hair and how they don’t match him, he’s not moody or complacent, he tries to go with the flow of things he tries to have a good relationship with everyone he can. But the kids in the class are just rude and they treat he and I like garbage.
I like to learn more about this boy, but I’m afraid things will get worse if I do reach out to him. I’m afraid he’ll leave me like everyone else as or see on how everyone else is right and that I’m not a good fit for normal society, how as a lot of the girls say, I’d be better off dead than alive, maybe then someone would come to my funeral have something to do with me then.
So, I’ve had something to eat, little microwave dinner, a couple hot pockets. Philly steak and cheese. My favorite. I don’t watch TV. Not because I don’t want to, there’s just never anything on that I’m interested in. News is news. No matter what state or country you live in is just as boring as ever and all they talk about is death. Outside of the local channels, I don’t get anything else. My parents don’t even like to pay for my Internet access, they think I don’t need it, but I have an unlimited plan with my parents’ cell phone company, so I use the heck out of that.
This whole objective thing, this journalistic approach that my therapist wants me to do, well, you see, it’s not working. It’s like I just can’t type what I’m seeing. It’s my diary and I’m just writing how I feel. I think tomorrow I might try the more objective approach and see how that looks. I don’t know though; I like actually having something that I can walk away and seal were no one can gain access to it and be able to just right now I feel.
Speaking of feelings, I’m lonely. I don’t know why no one wants to be around me, I don’t know why I have to be the last person on this planet that someone will have something to do with. What did I do? Why do I have to be lonely? Is it better to be dead than alive? We are dead longer than we are alive anyway, it’s like a rat race to the world’s greatest profession. Death. The all-encompassing, the eternal, inevitable. The longest lasting job any of us will ever have on this planet. Death.
I am going to see Deus, I want to try the journalistic approach in my next entry which will be about Deus and our meeting, typing on my phone while I am in my imaginary world and see how it comes out when I reread it here in a few, wish me luck.
© 2022 William L Truax III