A Life Worth Living. Chapter Seven
By the age of eight, I had developed a negative belief system about life, the world and myself. I had negative beliefs that said I was unworthy, worthless, stupid, ugly, disgusting and many other negative beliefs. I knew I was not wanted or loved. I remember the feeling of knowing I was not worth much to anyone. I felt strong emotions of guilt and shame that I was not good enough for my mother. I did not know at that time what I had done so wrong for her to hate me as much as she did but I felt responsible for her hatred. I did not know how to make her like me and I was desperate for love but also afraid.
The new start in our new home where mother had promised to stop drinking turned into a nightmare of a life. Although I was free to wander where I wanted, I felt really lonely and afraid. I was aware enough at the age of eight, to know that there was no one around to care where I was, or to worry about whether I was safe or not. I was starved of affection and severely neglected, I know that now. I was in need of some kind of human contact and was aware that I needed it but did not think I was worthy of human attention.
My mother who had also promised to stay away from my violent dad, who did not know our new location, lied. As soon as dad was released from prison where he spent time for beating my mother, he was back on the scene and the abuse continued. I was abused by my dad, my mother and the people that knew where I hid in the fields behind our house, trying to keep safe. There was no escape from the constant abuse.
I realised when I was about eight years old, that other people were not treated like I was. I knew that there was something different about me but I did not know what. I was taught that I was unlovable and everybody else was lovable. I was extremely embarrassed about who I was because of what I now know to be negative beliefs about myself, given to me by parents. I really believed that it was my role in life to be abused, and I was constantly abused.
I have many flashbacks of myself, a tiny innocent frail child, being laid on my back, down an ally, or on the floor of a derelict house, with some unknown boy, girl or man lying on top of me, hurting me. I remember the feeling of being mentally numb, but my body being in pain as others took it in turns to abuse me. It just seemed like an everyday occurrence to me to be abused.
I have horrific memories of my own fathers abuse and so all my childhood memories are tainted with the memories of being abused and of being constantly afraid.
Not only was I constantly abused I was punished by mother for the damage to my body as the result of abuse. One memory which is especially painful, was remembering the look of sheer hate on my Mam's face when I complained of hurting, in my private parts, of which I had no name. I was a baby and I needed my Mam to comfort me. ‘It hurts down there’, I told her, as my hands reached down to hold myself. She smacked me so hard across the face that I was sent flying over the room. ‘You dirty little bastard, stop touching yourself and get out of my fucking sight!’ she screamed at me. I scuttled off in to a corner feeling stunned. I never told her again when I was in pain for fear of what she would do to me. I rarely spoke to anyone after that, too afraid of the fists that were sure to follow if I dare utter a few words. People began to accept and treat me, as that deaf and dumb, backward kid and, for a long time, I let them think that.
Negative Limiting Beliefs
Too many abused children are left to deal with negative limiting beliefs about themselves stemming from childhood abuse and they need support and education. Only by identifying their limiting beliefs can they begin to change them, and by changing limiting beliefs, change the course of their lives.
None of us question what we are told at a young age, we just believe what we are told. In time what we are told over and over becomes our belief system and this belief system shapes our lives. We think and feel what we think and feel depending on our own personal belief system and our personal beliefs are reflected in our thoughts and actions
- A Life Worth Living. Chapter Eight
Bullied at school and then I came close to death yet my mother went to comfort another child. She showed me no love. I was bullied at home and at school.
- A Life Worth Living; Chapter One
Born into a violent home, I was given last rites within hours of my birth. My first day of life was a battle to survive and there were more battles of survival to come. This is my journey of survival.
- A Life Worth Living; Chapter Six
I found the courage to ask for help. I left a note telling that I needed help as my mother was trying to kill me. No one came.