Searching for a better life and for meaning of my role in life, after experiencing childhood and domestic abuse. My personal journey.
Power Of Belief
A belief is a feeling of believing something is true, with or without evidence. We can be absolutely certainty about something that we accept as true and then find out it was not true. Not all that we believe is correct, or true. We can get an idea about what we believe by looking at our own lives. If we like what we see, when we observe our own lives, we have positive beliefs. If we do not like what our life looks like, it is time to find the negative life limiting beliefs and change them to positive beliefs. My life and my behaviour was a reflection of my beliefs until I learnt to change them.
As my life has shown thus far, I had many negative beliefs and no education because I truly believed, as my mother drilled in to me, that I was too stupid to learn. I changed that belief by making my way through college and then university. I had to fight the fear of not being good enough through university. My critical inner voice was none stop with constant harsh criticism of myself. This fear that I felt as constant anxiety, was my old belief of being too stupid to get an education, fighting my need for a new belief.
Every night I would lay in bed and imagine how it would feel if I was able to achieve my dream of walking on stage, with hat and cape and proudly accepting my degree. Eventually that dream became my reality. I was the first and only to receive a BA Honours Degree in my family. One time I did not believe it was possible to change. Now I know all things are possible if you truly believe they are.
I was passionate about wanting change in my life. Anything is possible if you believe, became my motto. I was willing to do whatever it took, to find the root of true happiness by identifying my negative beliefs and believing in myself and ability to change my life.
I believe that through my journey of life and my purpose was always to find genuine self-love, to find love and compassion for myself. To be capable of feeling love giving and receiving love for myself. I had to learn to love myself to discover and understand what I needed from life by changing beliefs that I was unworthy and unlovable, to believing, I am worthy of love.
Let Go Of Guilt
I had the belief that life had to be endured not enjoyed. I believed my role in life was to be a good mother and keep a clean house. I wanted to be the best mum I could be, but, I was the screaming stressed out angry mother just like my mother was. I shouted and snapped at the children when they would not do as I told them. I felt that I had to be in control to be worthy of any kind of respect, and I was not in control. Behind my anger was my hurt and that was too much to bear. I was more angry and frustrated around the children, and I felt guilty that I was not a better mother than I was. I tried harder to be better. I loved my children and they were my reason for living but I did not know how to show that love. The consequence of not facing my anger and negative beliefs about myself meant that my children were not as happy as I wanted them to be, as they could have been.
I learnt to change my negative beliefs and I learnt to forgive myself for my mistakes in life, to learn from those mistakes and to let go of the guilt I felt. We can love our self and let go of negative emotions when we change our belief. If we do not change our beliefs our life will continue to be a reflection of the past. I learnt that fact the hard way.
Constant State Of Anxiety
I lived in a constant state of anxiety which often got too much for me to cope with. I took anxiety medication to try and calm down. I used to think that my anxiety had been switched on at birth and had never been turned off, that being anxious was a part of me that I would have to come to terms with. The anxiety was being fed by fear I felt and life was a continuous stressful experience as a result of the constant negative thoughts I had.
I did not understand life and what I was supposed to be doing in life. I acted as normally as I could around people but inside I felt hysterical for most of the time. Psychologically, I was ill equipped to deal with life and parenthood and I found that role more difficult than I expected. I believed that my role in life was to have children and keep a clean home, to make sure my children were well fed and clean and provide a home they could be proud of so I cleaned around the clock, often getting up at 3.00 AM to start my routine. The house never felt clean and I felt distressed not being able to make the house clean enough to my satisfaction. I expected nothing but perfection because I thought that would be the only way I would be accepted, and could not achieve it. I did not understand the, the power of my limiting beliefs and how those limiting beliefs were contributing to my life struggles. My mother had taught me that to be accepted, I must clean. I never saw her do anything else but the housework, until she started drinking so much that she gave up on the cleaning.
I cleaned obsessively as a way of avoiding how I felt. I would not allow myself to stop and be honest with myself about how I was feeling. I did not care how I felt. Feeling bad and depressed was my norm. I kept constantly busy and never allowed myself to stop and think because thinking meant the constant replay of my past and the horrific experiences I had. I cleaned out of fear and programming of my beliefs that I am supposed to clean.
Core Negative Beliefs
Question Your Beliefs
I did not know I could question my beliefs. I thought if I believed a thing then it must be true and that belief could not be changed. I had a deep fear that to ask for help and support risked being labelled mental ill. My fear was that I would be carted off to an asylum like my mother before me. I always did my best for my children and worked hard to be the 'perfect' mother but my lack of self-esteem, lack of awareness of my own needs, lack of self-love and limiting beliefs spoilt the experience of being a parent for a long time. I did not feel good enough for my children, I felt my children deserved a better mother than I was, whatever that meant.
It is important to question our negative beliefs, to ask ourselves what we believe. It is important that we observe ourselves and our behaviour. At the root of behaviour is belief and the thoughts that control the belief. We can change what we think and believe, beliefs are not set in stone.
The Inner Critical Voice
The more I wanted to improve my life the more I struggled to do so. I did not like myself and my inner voice constantly told me I was stupid. 'Are you stupid? 'you cant do anything right!' Over and over I berated myself. There was no one around abusing me, calling me names and robbing me of my last shreds of self respect, I was doing it to myself. I had no true understanding that my thoughts had any relevance to how I felt. No one had taught me that simple fact and not knowing, I made myself ill.
I experienced a dark depression that was resistant to all forms of treatments and in my younger years I tried many of the anti depressants on the market. I thought I was doomed to a life of incurable depression and would have to accept my critical inner voice was here to stay. The voice in my head continually calling me names, belittling me which made me feel bad physically and mentally by feeding my negative beliefs about myself. I felt the emotional and physical pain of the verbal abuse my inner critic gave me until I learnt to tell my inner critic to 'Shut up'. I know now that the inner critic fuelled my negative beliefs, negative thoughts and behaviours which meant my life was one big nightmare.
I know that we do not have to accept these negative beliefs. We can change what we believe and that change will reflect in our life. We can choose what we want to believe so choose well.
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Links To Other Chapters
- A Life Worth Living. Chapter Twenty Five
My learning of how my negative beliefs from abusive childhood, silently affected every aspect of my life and choices I made. Consequences of negative beliefs as experienced by me. Here I discuss my beliefs and how they affected my relationships.
- A Life Worth Living. Chapter Twenty Three
I married a violent man knowing that he would abuse me again. I had been abused all my life and never knew life without violence. It took an injured slug for me to change my life.
- A Life Worth Living; Chapter One
Born into a violent home, I was given last rites within hours of my birth. My first day of life was a battle to survive and there were more battles of survival to come. This is my journey of survival.