A Life Worth Living. Chapter Twenty
A Mental Breakdown
I started drinking vodka, trying to numb myself. I have flashbacks of hiding the bottles and there are many empty bottles of vodka in the flashes. Life was just a blur as I tried to carry on and try to look like I was keeping it together. I was a good actress back then and for most of the time I could pull it off. I wanted the authorities to see me as a person who could cope raising my own daughter. I was not even sure I could cope myself but I was prepared to give it my best shot. I had nothing else to live for but my baby.
Day and night Barry bombarded me with his questions and I felt constantly exhausted. Knowing that he had a mental illness did not make taking care of him any easier. I was desperate to stop him tormenting me one night with, 'Do you love me? 'Have you been with someone? Have you been with the boss? Did you sleep with your dad? He pushed my head down the toilet and flushed it and I could not take any more. My doctor had given me sleeping pills and I slipped two into his cocoa and he slept all night and left me alone. I was so young and was struggling to cope trying to look after Barry on my own. After I had put the sleeping drug into his drink I lived in fear of being found out and getting sent to prison. I would definitely lose my baby if I went to prison. Since his diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, never once was I offered support. The police would not even help me and time and time again they came to my home and Barry was removed for the night. Once he knocked out my back teeth and the police saw me spitting teeth out and they still did not charge him with assault and I did not realise I had the right to have him charged. I was afraid to push it but that is how it was with domestic violence in those days.
One day it all got too much. I lost hope that I was never going to get my daughter back, I could not cope with the abuse and taking care of Barry was too difficult. I got very drunk and emotional and swallowed a bottle of pills in an attempt to end my life. I did not want to carry on with out my daughter, I could not see the point of having to live without her. The pain of the constant vomiting brought me to my senses and I knew I would live and fight for my baby, doing whatever it took to get her back. I took myself off to hospital and had my stomach pumped. I told the psychiatrist that I had done what I had done in a drunken moment of madness and that I regretted doing it. I was allowed home the same day and I went straight into work. No body ever knew what I had done. I do not know how I kept it together but I did. Eventually Social Services agreed to let me have my baby back as long as I agreed not to live with Barry. I managed to get Barry out of the flat after another violent outbreak, and I never let him back in. I was twenty years old and determined to make life good for me and my daughter. I thanked God and that I was given another chance to raise my child and I was going to do the best I could to be a good mother.
Results Of Negative Beliefs
I realise now that I made some bad choices in my life. Not because I wanted a miserable life, but because I did not know I was allowed to make choices for myself. I had negative beliefs about my rights as person. I had no self respect or self love. I just drifted along through life being and doing whatever others wanted me to. I was convinced, I believed, I was worthless, that I was getting out of life only what I deserved. I believed I was not worthy of anything better. I wanted a family, someone to love and normality and I had none of it. I clearly understand that most of my difficulties back then spring from my lack of knowledge. I had no access to any kind of knowledge. Barry would say that thinking and gaining knowledge made a person dangerous.
My negative beliefs that I had then feel like strange alien beliefs to me now. I am shocked when I remember that there was a time when I truly believed my ex husband beat me because he loved me. Barry once told me, after he had beaten me again and was acting all remorseful, ‘If I did not love you, I would not waste my time braying you’. At that time, I believed him; I was so desperate to be loved. I put up with his beatings for many years until the I faced the real threat of losing my baby. Up to that point I could take the kicks, punches and verbal abuse as long as I was loved. I promised myself that if ever I got into another relationship, I would not put up with any kind of abuse or disrespect from another man. If I did come across abuse again, I would walk, or at least that is what I thought I would do. I was wrong, I did not have the skills or the knowledge of my negative beliefs. I knew I needed to change my life but knew nothing of the negative beliefs that I lived by.
Change Negative Belief, Change Life
I felt I had no way out. I did not understand that I did not have to live the miserable life I lived. I did not understand that we have negative beliefs that control our live. Beliefs control our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. If we have positive beliefs we live a life of our choosing. If we are not enjoying life or we feel any negative bad feelings, we are coming from a negative beliefs. My life reflected my beliefs by showing me hurt and disrespect. I remember thinking that I was not worthy of better, that I was ugly, fat, stupid, worthless and every other negative belief I had that controlled my life. I did not know they were beliefs I could change. Find and change a negative belief makes sense to me now but I did not know about beliefs back then. Now I knew I had to believe that I could survive in the world without Barry..
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- A Life Worth Living. Chapter Twenty One
Life was a never ending nightmare. I drank myself into oblivion at night while my daughter slept because I was lonely and scared. I still did not understand about my limiting negative beliefs.Then I met Andrew.
- A Life Worth Living; Chapter One
Born into a violent home, I was given last rites within hours of my birth. My first day of life was a battle to survive and there were more battles of survival to come. This is my journey of survival.
- A Life Worth Living. Chapter Nineteen.
Struggling to deal with my husbands mental, I took a job and then my child was removed from my care. My negative belief system was destroying my life but I did not understand. I could not take any more and attempted suicide. I lost my daughter and