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When I Want to Hide From God

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A believer, in recovery, looking to the Bible to know who I am in Christ.

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Oh Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

...His anger is fleeting, but His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may stay the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:2

So Bad That I Cry

There are days that are so bad that I cry. And at first, I just want to hide. Isolate from the world. I want to get away from family, friends, work. I don’t want to be a dad, a husband, an employee. I don’t even want to be a Christian. And I never want to admit it.

And there have been years when I have felt trapped in those rolls rather than fulfilled. And that’s because I felt like I could only do them in the most ragged way. I felt like a mess up, a loser.

God always pushes in. He always shows up and says, “What are you doing? I’m right here to help.” And finally in great desperation, I reach out, and cry out to Him.

But there is something new going on in me. He has been teaching me to not hide from him when I feel like a mess up. And by the way, when I “feel” like a mess up, I’ve not always done something wrong. Often, I’ve absorbed an attitude that made me feel like I must have done something wrong. And of course, sometimes, I’ve done something wrong.

When I call out, He has answered.

I’ve been learning to turn to Him as soon as I realize that I’m feeling isolated. There’s not point in waiting around to feel better first, or to get my act together.

And when I’ve called out to Him, He has answered. Usually in a verse, often in a song or hymn. Many times in a comment from my wife or a believing friend. He answers.

And when I’ve been wrong, and when I’ve been the object of His discipline, like the verse says, his anger is fleeting. It doesn’t last long. Yet His favor lasts a lifetime!

He shows His favor over and over. He has restored my soul again and again.

He wants to show His favor.

The tragedy is that I have spent much of my life not trusting this. I thought He wanted to dump anger on me. Or that I simply didn’t matter to Him.

I do matter; He wants to show His favor. But when I denied His favor. It was hard to actually see it.

I have often resented His gentle corrections. His corrections were those of a loving father, not an angry dictator.

How much better it is to seek out His correction, right away, soon.

I want to be the one looking for His correction, who learns from it. I want to be the one who knows I need it.

And He is turning me into that. One day at a time.

Lord, you correct me as my loving father. You have not made mistakes in this. You lovingly show me your way. And how to trust you. I repent of not listening. Why did I think I could live without correction? That is pride. Lord your discipline is merciful. Today, I welcome your corrections. I know that hardship is a pathway to peace. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

© 2022 Arseayli

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