Funny Jokes, Quips, and Quotes About Writers and Writing
Write with a smile
Sometimes, we as writers, go so focused that we forget to stop and laugh. Here is a simple collection of jokes and quotes about "us" that may be just the break we need. Writing with a smile keeps the words flowing. The quotes, as humorus as they may be, also have a certain amount of truth and give us a reminder of why we do what we do. If you know a writer, share a slice of funny with them. Hope you enjoy!
Learn to write. Never mind the damn statistics. If you like statistics, become a CPA.
- Jim Murray
Writers' Heaven or Hell
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose.
- Steven Wright
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.
- S.J. Perelman
2 Rights = Wrong
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
- Christopher Hampton
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.
A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen
A writer is walking along the shore, and finds a bottle. When he opens it, a genie appears and thanks the guy for letting him out. The genie announces, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish, but only one!"
The writer thinks for a minute and says, "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get seasick on boats. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie reflects on this for awhile and finally says, "I don't believe I can do it. Consider all the work involved... the pilings needed to hold up the highway would have to be incredibly long, just to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of the massive amounts of material that would require! No, it's way too much to ask."
The writer ponders again, and says, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women, too - I wish for you to explain them." Without hesitation, the genie replies, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.
- Mary Heaton Vorse
A screenwriter receives a parrot for his birthday. The bird is fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word out of his beak is an expletive. The writer tries hard to change the parrot's behavior: he says polite words, plays soft music, anything he can think up, to set a good example. Nothing works.
He yells at the bird, and the bird yells back. He shakes the bird, but the bird just becomes more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he hears the bird squawk, swear, and scream. Suddenly, there's a deathly quiet. The guy's frightened, thinking he might have injured the bird, so he quickly opens the freezer door. The parrot calmly steps out onto the writer's extended arm, and says, "I believe I've offended you with my rude language and behavior. I will endeavor at once to correct this problem. I am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness."
The writer is astonished at the bird's dramatic change in attitude, but before he can say anything, the parrot continues, "Might I ask what the chicken did?"
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- Robert Benchley
Did you hear about the writer who jumped out the window on the 15th floor? He could have gone to the 16th, but that's another story.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- A. J. Liebling
Three guys are sitting at a bar...
#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “Gee… hmmm… I guess about $13,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
On a serious note...sometimes we writers choose to use a pen name. Here are some for your consideration depending on the kind of article or topic you are writing:
Neither a Borrower ...............Nora Lender Bee
Holmes Does it Again ...........Scott Linyard
French Overpopulation...........Francis Crowded
Downpour! ............................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ..................................Ima Dubble
Inflammation, Please .............Arthur Itis
House Construction ...............Bill Jerome Home
Lewis Carroll ........................Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ..........................Warren Peace
The French Chef ...................Sue Flay
Why Cars Stop ......................M. T. Tank
No! ........................................Kurt Reply
Unemployed .........................Anita Job
Keep a private journal
Besides the normal business of writing, a writer needs a private journal to record their own trials, tribulations, and successes. This is not for the world, it is for you.