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Tracing Lines

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words are your only salvation when you have no one. my writing reflects nothing more than the soul that has spoken.

i know it will be harder if i don't help myself.
if i don't want to move on.
i know it will be harder and harder
if i choose to be defeated by myself.

isn't it the hardest battle of all.
your battles with yourself.
so i tell her,
"you're not that weak get over it."
"you've been through the worst. through hell and back. what are you doing moping around?"
"stand up or nothing will happen."
"quit wallowing in loneliness."
"for fuck's sake, do something!"

and then i suggest some ways.
"replace her with anything."
so i replaced you with endless nothings
work. studying.
series that i know won't hurt me as much
because they're so disconnected from you.
avoiding so hard the movies
that i know would make me feel too much.

and yet i still find my mind full of you
despite giving it my all.
draining me so much.
everyday trying to find new ways to go on.
opening your eyes upon waking up
desperately finding something.
anything.

i've decided to start running.
as a sort of release.
i know i have to find some sort of release.

i cannot write anymore.
the only form i knew how to express.
because whenever i do,
i know it will all make sense even when it doesn't.

because if i write it all, brutally and honestly,
that means letting go.
and i'm not quite ready yet.

and then there's reading.
go back to the things you used to do before her.

but as it turns out even reading,
i cannot read anymore. not like before.
you've robbed me of the only luxuries in life i had left.

and then there are the people.
i've tried to cling to the comforts of home.
it helped, but i miss you
whenever stress overwhelms me.
you know how stressful home can get.
and this is always the place i wanted to run away from.

friends.
new people.
all are just draining me.
draining what's left of me.
taking and taking and taking from me.

so i stop.
i stop talking.
i stop thinking about their problems.
i stop and tend to myself
but all i find is you.
endless you's
endless loss.

and then there's me.
whenever my chest hurts i tell her,
"it's just feelings."
"breathe."
"im here."
"calm down."
"it will pass."
even when i dont believe it myself.

and sometimes it's scary
when she doesn't even cry anymore.
and yet i can see and feel
every one of her bones shattering
her heart trying so bad to function still

and im proud
and sad.

"you don't deserve this."

and so she thought
this won't do. i have to move.
i can't keep on feeling this.
im too tired to feel this.
i dont want to feel this anymore.
this is not me. this wont do.

so i saw her swallow every bit of pain
every bit of emotion
every bit of hurt
no matter how bitter it tasted.

and i watched her stand up again.
just like how she did a million times before.
even when i was so sure she'd die
from every hit that she takes.
even when i got hopeless
that she'll make it through this.

i watch her stand up.
i watch her help herself slowly.
i watch her stumble back to square one
because she's still so human
she made a lot of mistakes,
going back and going back to what broke her.

and i watch her heart harden once more.
even harder than before.
i never knew it was capable of hardening still
after the last.
she knew no one would come
she got so tired of praying.
she knew no one would come
not even God would take pity.
she knew how cruel the world could get
she had to think that its her fault.
because no good person
will be punished like this.

she knew no one would help her.
and we only got each other.

i dont want her to be like this
unrelenting
unable to feel
closing off once again
building walls higher than ever.

but if that's what we need to stay alive,
i tell her, "i trust you."
and im proud of you.

© 2018 C M

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