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Fear of Change


Today I woke up at 5:30...
yeah, you read it right at 5:30 in the morning.
Precisely at 5:30, not a minute here or there.
On the first or second tick of the alarm
Even before the daylight hit the ground,
unusual of me and unusual to my hormones,
I used to go exactly the way when I was 12.
I used to watch dragon tales at 6...
couldn't just afford to miss
Emmy wished on a dragon scale.
And right after
Let's all go to the dragon land.
I used to run to the playground.
(Even today my heart runs every day)
To watch those red shoes dank.
Even though they had merely reached it.
Not half the basket, more accurate.
But those red shoes never caught a glimpse of the glittering eye glazes I had.
(People usually say, you shine when in love)
They weren't pretty.
Not even my BFF can validate...
oxytocin makes you do crazy junk.
I found them pretty, and I still do...
We were together everywhere almost...
but we weren't together throughout.
Every last page of my book read flames
F for friends
L for love
A for affection
E for enemies
S for sex
Shit, did I type it?
Probably, my mother will be reading this,
a flying shoe would be following me,
and it won't even miss its target...
because she certainly got skills.
So I re-phrase it...
s for siblings
You and I always ended at marriage
It’s been a decade already,
you weren't wearing those red shoes anymore,
and with no clue about my last sheets
Still, the way I adore hasn't changed.
Ordered a dish that was supposed to be pronounced without a g in it, but I flunked.
And with the same gazes,
the glittering eye gazes and, you didn't notice.
Wished we changed with time almost one of us...


Back to a time when I was 12 and young,
My DAD used to drive me to the coast.
When the shore touched those little feet,
They always shuddered and shivered.
But never scared...
And those five tiny fingers sweat together,
Dig, wet, crave, and more beyond the age.
Built a sandcastle...
Not just any castle, but a window to dreams.
Where were the 12-year-old sultan and Nazim...
With courage and hope in the eyes,
To conquer the kingdom.
Every time the waves washed,
The tears rolled over the cheeks,
But it never failed to lose its charm.
And those five tiny fingers never stopped.
Back to reality when I am 21 and still young,
Those five tiny fingers are not tiny anymore.
Capable enough to hold a degree.
Never shuttered and shivered a little
But scared to the extreme.
Built a Rock Castle...
But agitated and afraid of the extreme.
Maybe this may be a reason,
The Rock Castle shattered
Even before being washed.
Maybe this may be the reason,
The 21-year-old self searched for
Courage in those eyes with hope.

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