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all that i ask

is anger solely for those
without love
is it only
a ship breaking the ice
of a simple man
is it not available
for those of us
who are questioned
no matter our commitment?

who really knows me
can they predict my every word?
then i am controlled
to be used
manipulated

my choices have accepted the situation
but my personal integrity has not
yet all that i ask of you now

i want my own grave
the entrance to a new life
so that you may come with me
in spirit or in flesh
whenever you wish

no,
do not burn the door of my memories

i was a part of this one
there is no reason to deny
to disappear is to pretend
it was either my fault or it wasn’t
right or wrong

there is no pyre to gasp at
inside a burning box of wood
like a forest under siege
my silent melting bones
the marrow in crisis
it is as deep as i ever was
but my insomnia is holy now
the plague of a burning mind
suffering over failure and worry
is indistinguishable from grey ash
the thoughts of my ignorance
the remains of last night’s dance
a cigar between my father’s fingers
the hesitation in my voice
unsure, unwise
only my breath
but no more
only idled thoughts
the paper
insufficient
except as tinder
i cannot begin like this

no, I will wait silently
between burning candles
like a pontiff rising
for i too am a thought of God
one who spoke of him often
let him think of me for a moment
then bury me behind the door

i did very little
so the door remains
knock upon it
open it for yourself
the room is now yours to keep
live in it
aggressively

no blaze of glory
a pyre to gasp at
inside a burning casket
no, i’d rather between burning candles
like a pontiff rising
for i to am a thought of God
one who spoke of him often

i thought of my reaction
to this world and the next
i was not a pacifist
what do i bring to God’s supper
empty hands
impure thoughts
angry feelings towards his children
but not my own
where is my consent to all of this
consider i was not ready for life
i am a baby
full of my own needs
i am a man
full of lust for all the wrong things
i am a skeleton
full of the air buried along with me
i am all these things
consider me now as i consider myself
bury me when my time comes

that is all that i ask