You Will Marry Me - Funny Engagement Poem

I have been writing poetry, fiction and short stories for many years and have completed a book of poems. I also enjoy comedy writing.

Listen up ma darling, it's time to get hitched

And start slapping those dudes across the head who keeps calling you witch

But before we engage you have to sign this here list

Hold on a second, my pants seem to have a twist

Now let's get back to where we were

I am going to call you Missy and you address me as Sir

I don't eat fast food, I expect three square meals a day

And you only get 10 calls monthly off the telephone, listen up, you will have to do as I say

The remote control will be in my sole posession

You can have the TV to yourself when I am finished with my sessions

I don't do laundry, you will have to wash all my filthy threads

I expect a clean sheet weekly on all the beds

My doctor said I have an allergic reaction to chemicals and soaps used for cleaning

So obviously you will have to take care of the bath and toilet bowl dealings

I grew up in a small rural area, men don't use mops, we hunt meat

So sweeping and floor cleaning I place at your feet

I expect you to attend to my bed desires at fingers snap

I expect lots of sheat action and less blabbering and chat

Next thing is, don't back talk me, it really gets me annoyed

If you do, for an entire month of you I will avoid

When you marry me, you have to change your closet, your skirts are too short

Why do you dress so provocative when you can buy skirts of all sorts

Next thing is, I don't like cabbage, pork, ice cream, cheesecake or chicken, so you shouldn't too.

And I expect my finger and toe nails clipped regularly by you

My mom should be able to show up anytime without notice

And you should give up your side of the bed to her without any protest

I don't want kids for the next twenty five years.

By that time you will be about fifty which is the right child bearing age

I expect my name to be engraved on anything you own

And my image tattooed to your arm Simone

I like breakfast in bed, but I never do dishes

These are my conditions for engagement, prepare to grant me my wishes

But first, you will have to drop all male friends

Because I will be the only alpha male in your life till the very end

I also don't do apologies, what I say is Gospel.

I will leave you in the blink of an eye if we ever have to tussle

So take a good look at your future, it's all good, don't you see

I know you are just dieing to spend the rest of your life with me

So now I say, here is my heart, but just in case, I will keep the key

Simone, now you will marry me.

© 2017 Clive Williams