"Where I Am From/Unpleasant Pleasantness."
I am from fragments of memories and lost people.
From holes in the wall, beer cans, and empty pill bottles.
I am from false happiness and guilt.
The kind that eats you up ‘till you scream “I’m so sorry,”
even when it’s not your fault.
I am from perfectly trimmed green grass, and calloused hands from climbing trees.
I am from books with too many underlines, and from warm Mexican hot chocolate.
I am from unpleasant pleasantness because I cannot enjoy things for fear they will disappear.
I am from unhappy happiness because the people of my childhood
Who I thought would still be alive are not,
Or do not even feel alive.
I am from new year’s kisses.
The kind that makes
All the colors have flavors and sounds.
That makes them brighter, and more vivid.
From the beating heart of my best friend, who can give just one smile and
Banish all the darkness in my mind.
Who has been there since the start.
Whose love and loyalty,
I will never deserve.
Above anything else,
I am from “unfitting maturity for a child,” and “you cannot save everyone.”
From “It’s your fault,” “When are you coming back?” and “You should have known.”
I am from the lies of “Always and Forever,” and “More Than Everything.”
From stray cats and mailboxes without numbers.
I am from ripped up suicide notes, and
“911, what’s your emergency?”
Where I’m from is not something I would wish on anyone else.
Still, where I am from has made me: strong, brave, resilient, and
Unhappily happy now.