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Walking on the Borderline, My Eternal Perdition?

Early, around 3:30 am my thoughts are out of control. I shunned this life in many ways. If there is payback will I walk in purgatory?

The Road Between Heaven and Hell

The Road Between Heaven and Hell

I had it all
But still chose to lay down my stone.
In a betrayal of life,
I chose death
And put out the fire.
Life didn't leave me
Nor was I ever burned!
Clanged many glasses. One day a glass broke
The wine poured out on a white cloth
In the shattering was a crucifixion
Christ and the blood were proof
The others did arise.
A Planck moment in time
It was innocent and unstressed.
Innocence is now my nightmare.
The black oracles came to me
As they should
We were always one, the same!
Spherical shapes darkly gather
Submersed and cold I'm laid down.
The door has been nailed down.
In that second, my realization,
"There is no bell to ring
And I'm not saved."
It was the time of the murder
Of my soul which was never
Mine to let live.
The comfort, the recompense:
Let those belong to the others
I left this world not silently
There was collateral damage
And unnecessary talk
Evil does come in a little girl
Who played her tricks.
When the dust was cleared
Left were misgivings and the damage.
Grace was not to walk by my side
There are ten thousand worlds
But to me, they are not for the living
But for the pretenders and the polite
I did not find in this world
The life that was mine.
Now, pulling for the forgotten bell,
I scream out
And wonder if death will now shun me?
Is this to be a borderline, this path--
The road to my eternal perdition?

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