Velocipede Verses #14: The Bonk
I'm an avid cyclist who has ridden 36,000+ miles in the past decade or so. I enjoy sharing the little I know with interested others.
What It Means to "Bonk" in Cycling
If you just google the word "bonk," you're likely to find countless references to getting hit on the head with a mallet or a nut or something similar. You'll also find mention of the British meaning of the word, as well (which is sexual intercourse).
If you check in with Merriam-Webster, however, you'll find three definitions for the word, and definition number two is the one you're after:
bonk
\ˈbäŋk,ˈbȯŋk \
intransitive, informal : to experience sudden, severe fatigue during strenuous activity1
It is this definition of the word "bonk" that's the subject of this poem. Far from being something enjoyable, bonking is about the worst thing that can happen to a cyclist. It occurs when all the glycogen in the muscles is used up, the liver can't provide any more, and there is no other energy source for your muscles to draw upon...the body essentially shuts down, resulting in an overwhelming feeling of fatigue.
I've only experienced a bonk on the scale described in this poem the one time...I hope to never experience it again and, indeed, have changed my riding ritual as a result. Since the day this happened, I always carry with me something to eat while I'm out riding.
Fingers crossed this never happens to you...
1 Merriam-Webster Online (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bonk)
The Bonk
It was a multi-service spectacular
We’d call it "Joint" in the vernacular
One Marine
One Sailor
One Airman (that’s me)
On bikes
After class one day
In Norfolk, VA
Riding away
And fast
A paceline ride
We’d do
We decided
I was pretty excited
Hoorah and Semper Fi
Anchors Aweigh
And off we go
Into the wild blue yonder
Or out onto the asphalt, anyway
It was a great day
Cool ocean breeze blowing in
I can smell the salt air again
Even now
If you’ve never paced
Or you haven’t raced
On two wheels
It works like this:
You ride in a straight line
Senses heightened the whole time
The rider in front
Sets the speed
The riders behind all heed
Ride their steed
Close, very close
To draft
But you can’t be daft
And cross wheels
Falling feels
Like a cheese grater on your skin
And bones can break
Muscles can ache
It’s not something you just shake
Off and forget
How to Ride in a Paceline
But when you and your steed
Take the lead
Neither is it time to up the speed
You still should heed
What the previous guy set as pace
It’s not a race
But that’s easy to forget
And noobs always do
And take one guess who
Was the noob in the group
On this day
noob: a person who is inexperienced in a particular sphere or activity
So when you’re winded
Or your time in front has ended
Peel left
Be deft
But smooth
Keep the groove
Don’t stop pedaling
Just slow
Or you’ll go
Too far back from the line
And it’ll take time
And lots of energy
To be with them again
So you can catch your wind
And get ready to do the deed
When again it’s your time to lead
Cycle, spin, draft, repeat
Lead, follow, lead, follow
Cycle, spin, draft, repeat
Lead, follow, follow, lead
Cycle, spin, draft, repeat
Pretty neat
The paceline perfected
Is a thing of beauty
When all the riders
Know their duty
And do it right
Which I didn’t
This day
And soon I’d pay
What can I say?
It’s part of learning
Me thinks
Paceline Riding Dos and Don'ts
DO | DON'T |
---|---|
Keep the same pace as the last rider who pulled; increase or decrease the pace gradually, if needed | Speed up immediately when it's your time to pull |
Maintain your level of effort when you pull | Maintain your speed when you pull (maintain your level of effort instead) |
Ease your speed as the line slowly passes; keep pedaling so you can easily move back in line | Slow down and stop pedaling when you come off your pull |
Pull when you have the energy and skill to pull | Take your share of the pulls whether you have the energy or skill to do so or not |
Stay in the paceline, adjusting your speed by soft pedaling, sitting up to catch air, pedaling while braking, lightly braking | Move in and out of the paceline to keep your own pace |
Maintain the distance, adjusting your speed by soft pedaling, sitting up to catch air, pedaling while braking, lightly braking | Vary the distance to the rider in front of you to keep your own pace |
Constantly survey the road and riders 3 to 5 riders in front of you | Focus on the wheel in front of you |
Calmly communicate "on your left" or "on your right" so they know you are there and don't jump when seeing you | Quietly pass someone so as not to startle them or break their concentration |
Calmly communicate that you are slowing or stopping knowing your fellow cyclist is right behind you | Brake quickly in non-emergency situations |
Stay in line directly behind or in front of another rider; or, if there's room on the road, ride side by side with front wheels aligned and enough space between you | Overlap your front wheel with another rider's rear wheel, or vice versa |
Put a strong rider in front of a weak one to help the weak one become a better paceline rider | Have the strong riders go to the front of the paceline while the weak riders go to the back |
Stay alert, especially when tired. This is when most accidents occur | Talk more, enjoy the scenery, do anything to take your mind off your legs when they get tired |
Calmly communicate with your voice or a hand | Yell out turns, holes, stops or hazards |
Move smoothly and predictably so you don't crash or start a chain reaction | Swerve or make a sudden move to avoid holes, etc. |
Relax, enjoy it, fall off the back if you can't keep up | Race or ride tense, give up. Never, ever give up. |
So my turns up front
Pulling the Marine and the Sailor
Kept coming and coming
“Nice pull” they’d say
But I didn’t feel that way
As I slipped back and by
And into the line
I guess I looked fine
But I hadn’t eaten since nine
And we rode at five
A man barely alive
So a funny thing happened
On the way to the end
We reached the barracks
And they said, “Let’s do this again,”
I said okay
And rode slowly away
And though it was early in the day
For June
I felt like Iooking for the moon
‘Cuz it was dark
Or my vision faded
Or someone put a black bag on my head
I felt dead
With no energy at all
I felt so small
And peaked
The two-syllable kind
And my mind
Wasn’t working
The way it should, either
And neither
Were my legs
Or my arms
As I crawled up the stairs
A second-floor room!
And this added gloom
And a large sense of doom (I’m dying here!)
Which worsened as I weakened with each step
I climbed
Up those stairs
And where’s
My will to live?
My body was a sieve
And all the energy drained out of it
I crawled through the door
And across the floor
To the fridge
And grabbed an orange
From the crisper drawer
On the bottom shelf
Not enough of myself
Left to reach higher
They were dire
These straits
As I ate
The orange
But didn’t peel it
And I could feel it
Coursing through me
Quick as could be
Sugar feeding blood
As I laid down and went thud
On my back
In the middle of the floor
Ain’t doing that no more
I thought to myself
As I came back to life
And the land of the living
And those dudes will be giving
Me hell
If I tell them
I can’t tell them
I have to tell them
I will tell them
Tomorrow
In class
And they’ll kick my ass
With laughter
And be after
Me all day
I know they’ll say
Some shit about the Air Force
Being young
And new
And nothing I can do
Since that’s true
They’ve both been around since 1772
Plus three
And the Air Force has only flown the heavens
Since 1947
So my age arguments will be toothless
And those guys will be ruthless
Nothing I can do
Whew
I need a nap
But to recap:
It was a multi-service spectacular
We’d call it "Joint" in the vernacular
One Marine
One Sailor
One Airman (that’s me)
On bikes
One guy out of his league
With extraordinarily exceptional fatigue
It was the first and only time
I ever bonked