Valentine Poems for People You Secretly Dislike

Updated on February 8, 2018
Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank wrote humorous bits for her college newspaper many years ago. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.

Are you looking for Valentine’s Day wishes for those you love to hate? Feb 14th is a great time to show a special kind of recognition to people that rub you the wrong way with these somewhat sentimental-sounding verses.

Copy these rhyming thoughts into cheap hand-made, hand-drawn cards which might well be shredded and immediately discarded, as they deserve to be.


For Your Loving Approval

I came to you for renewal, and the wait was very long.
And when I finally had a chance

My answers seemed all wrong.
Your questions were confusing,

So I guess I’ll buy a bike.
Why do I send a Valentine to someone I don’t like?

(To the Department of Motor Vehicles /License Renewal Division)

The Root of My Pain

Only you can uproot the pain
So deep in an osseous zone.
My memory will still remain
Of how you pained me to the bone.

I could not speak; I could not cry
I was blinded by the light.
I could not look you in the eye,
I couldn’t even bite.

You said the pain I soon would forget;
I’d lose the urgent urge to kill
As if we’d never, ever met,
Or heard the whirring drill.

(To The Endodontist -- Root Canal Dentist.)


My Beating Heart.

Ka-thump Ka-thump, but it’s not my heart,
It’s only a wheel on a grocery cart
Broken, perhaps, by overuse
By someone seeking catsup or juice.

In the merchandise aisles I find that I’ve missed
Two of the things on my long grocery list.
But now it’s too late; I’m already in line.
I don’t want to walk back to aisle twenty-nine.

I want to get home and get started with dinner
They might miss the butter, but maybe get thinner.
This store has the stuff that nobody needs
Get rid of the toys and the carnival beads.

Get rid of the knick-knaks and kitchen decor
There are shoes and clothing right over next door.
This unneeded stuff has diminished my mood
I made my way in here just looking for food.

(To the grocery store manager.)


Hearing Your Call for Love

I’ve heard your call at various times to donate for research or charity
Your call is inconvenient and the cause you push lacks clarity
You want to send me messages like love notes for your cause
So I can send you money, and get your great applause.

Suspicion creeps into my mind when you call me “Mam”,
Something in the way you talk tells me it’s a sham.

If you’re who you say you are, or if you are legit,
Your consortium is unknown to me, I wish that you would quit.
But I will give to whom I chose, your methods are appalling
Now just take me off your list and I’ll thank you to stop calling.

(To the scammy telephone solicitor.)


Disclaimer: I hope this is taken in the spirit it was intended, not to be mean and negative, but to realize that certain individuals and entities need whatever bit of love and recognition we can muster up, however slight it may be.

Some of my favorite people were born on Valentines Day— I really have nothing against sentimental and loving thoughts., especially for those who truly deserve them.
All others can stuff their valentines in the shredder.

© 2018 Rochelle Frank


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    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 2 days ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks for the read, the laugh and the nods.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 days ago from Olympia, WA

      I love the spirit of this article. You had me laughing from the title, and nodding my head all the way through it.

    • k@ri profile image

      Kari Poulsen 10 days ago from Ohio

      Hahaha, I do understand. :D

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 11 days ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks k@ri... and that's a good suggestion. I halfway wrote one to impolite drivers-- but couldn't seem to complete it without using impolite language.

    • k@ri profile image

      Kari Poulsen 11 days ago from Ohio

      LOL! I loved these poems. You need to write one for the cable /internet providers. These are so clever!

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 11 days ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you Alicia, very kind of you to comment.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 11 days ago from British Columbia, Canada

      These are creative Valentine's Day poems. They are very appropriate gifts for certain people! I love the illustrations, too.

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 13 days ago from California Gold Country

      Maybe so... thanks for reading.

    • RobinReenters profile image

      Robin Carretti 13 days ago from Hightstown

      I hear ya and hear this call everything for holidays gets to hype we need to celebrate perhaps in our own way to save the day