Understanding Myself Through Poetry
from the stories I’ve heard
my birth was not a happy one
my parents were no longer in love
separation quickly lead to divorce
for my mother
I was a reminder of abandonment
loneliness and sacrifices
broken hopes and broken dreams
my father didn’t want me
such a disappointment
so many promises
such lies and such deceit
a failure of a man
unable to be my father
the world wasn’t ready for me
but I came out reaching
reaching for something or someone
staining my hand
with a mark
to be forever reminded
of my unwanted birth
Sit Back & Relax - Listen as I Read the Poem
As a child, I felt unwanted. There was this nagging feeling that I just didn't belong. It didn't help that I was different from others in my family. I was too emotional. I was strange. I didn't think like everyone else.
As I grow older, I gathered bits and pieces about my birth. From it, I drew the conclusion that it wasn't a happy occasion. This only deepened my feelings of being unwanted and I didn't know exactly where I belonged.
Feeling Sadness For My Mother
At first, I resented my mother. Why did she bring me into this world? Then, I began to feel sorry for her. She wasn't happy with my father. She suffered a lot being married to him. I guess it was a good idea that they were no longer together.
I began to realize that her dreams were unfulfilled. Her hopes and desires were neglected. She trusted a man and he disappointed her. She had to live with the shame of divorce and the hardships of single motherhood. It wasn't easy for her. She felt alone and she also felt unwanted.
Understanding that my mother felt horrible about the situation and about her life choices, helped me understand that life was unpredictable. I became a little more cautious and yet, a little more adventurous. I began to make plans for the life I wanted to live. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to travel. I wanted to write. I wanted peace. I wanted happiness. But most of all, I wanted to live without regrets.
Feelings of Disappointment Towards My Father
My father wanted a boy. He was drunk when he entered the hospital room the day I was born. He was upset, cursing and yelling, when he saw I was a girl. My father never made me feel wanted. He was mean. He was strict. He was a tyrant. As a child, I was afraid of him, hiding behind my mother's legs when he came to pick up my sisters.
I hated him. I resented him. Then, as I grew older, I was disappointed in him. He was never there for me. He never once reached out with a loving hand. Instead he would tell me, "You're gonna amount to nothing." Those words fueled me. I would show him. I would prove him wrong.
Realizing Where I Belong
My hand was born first. I came out reaching and it was forever stained with a birthmark. (No one knows if the birthmark was caused from the reach or if it was there from the start, but I like to think it was caused from the reach.) That birthmark always made me feel special. No one I knew had one. It was unique. It made me different. I loved it.
As I got older, that birthmark became a reminder of the day I was born and a huge reminder of who I am. I may not have been wanted but I was here. I was born anyway. And I was audacious enough to come out reaching for a world that perhaps wasn't ready for my arrival. That took spunk. That took moxie. Characteristics I displayed all of my life. And I realized exactly where I belonged. Anywhere I wanted to.
How Poetry Can Help YOU
You can choose to write a poem yourself. You can choose any poem you really like. Then, ask yourself these questions:
- What is the poem talking about? How do I relate to it? Why?
- Does it spark memories or thoughts? Which ones? Why?
- How does it make you feel? Why?
- Does it remind you of any flaws you may have? How? Why?
- Does it remind you of any strengths you may have? How? Why?
- Explore your feelings. What can you learn from them?
- How can you change negative feelings into positive actions?
- Who are you? What makes you strong? What makes you weak?
- How can you get stronger? How can you improve your life?
- Do you have to make amends with yourself or anyone else?
- How can you take this experience and make your life better?
- What have you learned? What do you want to learn more about?
Exploring your feelings using poetry can be:
It's never easy to dig deep. You have no idea what you may find. But I find it gets easier with time and practice. I find it helps me heal the wounds caused so long ago that I've neglected or tried to hide. And I've realized that in healing those wounds I become stronger and more comfortable in my own skin.
Being such a sensitive child taught me to listen and explore all of my emotions. I've had a lot of practice. So be patient with yourself if this is something you've never tried. It's not always gonna be easy, but it will help you learn more about who you are. Learning who you are helps you explore what you want next. Then, you can make plans to get it done. Is it scary? Of course it is. It's ok to have fear. Sometimes fear is the parachute we must use as we take the leap.
A Quote to Take with You
© 2018 Alexa Rosa