Skip to main content

The Truncated Evolution of an Ugly Couch Potato

Heather has a Bachelor's Degree in English from Moravian College and has been freelance writing for more than 13 years.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It's official!

The golden paved road to adulthood has been cut

Only a dirt road full of vipers and broken glass remained

Pulse racing faster than Mario Andretti in a Pinto pace car

Suddenly, an internal light switch has been flipped

Inside the brain of a Puritanical fowl

Wings pinned back by duct tape and anxiety

Locked inside a sprawling red brick tower

Primed with the premium cable package

Hundreds of movie channels and nothing to live for

Outside those four incredibly diminutive walls

Making Barbie's dream house look like the Taj Mahal

That closed in with each passing moment

Walls wired with enough C4 to gut the grand citadel

Into the biggest pile of debris that Blake and Alexis ever saw

Sick of being confined to an 8 by 5 iron private dungeon resort

Ready to find the sturdiest metal shovel and start digging

Avoided hitting the thousands of boulders blocking everything

Struck gold after a few shattered shovels and a mud covered white t-shirt

Found a treasure trove of secrets under the humus soil

Ready to rise above the surface like Double Dare slime

An impulse to straddle the nearest Harley 750 Street model

Tossed off the burley Samcro wannabe like a sack of Idaho spuds

Eager for a taste of the open road; wind blowing bugs and all

Picked out nature's fruit snacks with great ease and toothpicks

Tired of this regularly scheduled weekly program

Time to find a new groove on the imaginary loveseat convertible

Either that or time to turn off the idiot box once and for all.

It's adventure time! Start your engines.

It's adventure time! Start your engines.

Related Articles