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Insomniac: My Silent Killer


My Silent Killer

I'm breathing the lasts of air
I'm tired of this
My ears are filled with your voice again
The silent killer of my happiness
A total destroyer of my hopes

You dragged me in the pit of darkness
I am scared but you don't care
If I am alive still
Because you always see that I am wrong
One move and I die

I wanna escape, just leave and live
But I was chained, everyday was a curse!
I am a living dead
A body with no soul
A girl with no heart

You overlooked my sufferings
You are happy with it
Why must you hurt me?
I have no tears left
No energy for your endless doubts

I wanted to count my years
Of how many times I wanted to end it
I thirst freedom from your lair
I wanted a life at this very moment
But the gun is in my head

My broken feeling is dominating me again
It's hard to keep my life
Negativities are overflowing
I am scared and alone
Uncertain if I'll be able to wake up every morning

I scarce everything
The colors are fading
My life is dull and empty
I'm afraid it's not worth living anymore
I wish to vanish
Why this numbed heart can still feel the pain?

I am slowly fading in the vastness of your strong personality
I am vehemently praying for love and patience
Love and patience dear God
Don't let me die because of this pain
I wanna live and laugh
But this monstrous fella is strangling me

© 2019 Crezyl


Crezyl (author) from Philippines on January 03, 2020:

Oh Thank you ms Dora. Don't worry. I'll be able to escape it, even it's not now, I will slowly freed myself from it.

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on January 02, 2020:

Crezyl, it must be difficult feeling imprisoned, with no ability to escape. Hoping that help is available. You deserve to live and laugh!

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on January 01, 2020:

Lora,thank you for the support you are giving to me, it is very sad to think that I can't make any move to set my life free, because Lora, my situation is different from being only in a relationship, it is far beyond that. The people who knows me, knew this too and they sure are pity of me, but of course, they cannot do a thing. Lora, I am holding on until I graduate college, it is the only way I see to save myself. But right now, this life will be my life and I hope this won't hurt as much as it does, but you know, that is quite impossible. Anyways, happy new year Lora ❤

Lora Hollings on December 31, 2019:

Crezyl, I see so as a very talented, open and honest person through your writing who has much to offer the world. But, if you are in a relationship with such an emotionally abusive person then it is time to take serious action to get out of it! He doesn't deserve you. No one does, that treats another in such a manner! If you have trouble leaving him, then join a support group who can give the confidence and the help you need in finally ending such a toxic relationship. The New Year is almost upon us, it is time to break away from old relationships that are harmful to us. Just like the song, "let old aquaintances be forgotten," and forge new healthy ones instead. A very Happy New Year to you, my friend!

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 31, 2019:

John thank you so much. I am very much excited to read it ♥

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 31, 2019:

Thank you Ann♥

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 31, 2019:

Jason you are truly an angel! You always see something in me and it makes me happy. You know, your words affects me so well that I seem not know how to react to it. You drown me and inspire me. Happy new year and God bless your 2020♥

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on December 31, 2019:

Crezyl, Happy New Year! I have finished you moon poem and it is in Poems From thee Porch 16.

Ann Carr from SW England on December 31, 2019:

Happy New Year to you too! Hope it brings you happiness and freedom.


Jason Nicolosi from AZ on December 31, 2019:

Crezyl your poem gave me goosebumps. It was so dark and so emotional. It amazes me how well you translate feelings into words, they are so sad yet written so eloquently. You have a real talent. You should be proud of your work. It's difficult and a rear thing to be able to put your emotion into words the way you do. You're an amazing person. Extraordinary Job!

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 31, 2019:

Ann, thank you so much I am very much overwhelmed by your understanding of my work. ❤ So love it. I am inspired and to tell you, writing is all I got, it is pleasure for me to have you here. ❤ Happy new year Ann, God bless ❤

Ann Carr from SW England on December 31, 2019:

This is a powerful poem and conveys a toxic relationship. No one has the right to do such things to another. Writing about it is a huge step to take and will help you break free. Understand your own worth as a person, concentrate on what you have to give, on your writing (and you DO have ability) and slowly you will emerge as your own person. Don't give up!

Thank you for following me.


Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 31, 2019:

Thank you Purvi. I don't really mind the past Purvi because I've enough of it, but this hurt keep on coming. I am encountering it everytime. I'm trying to be strong but Purvi I am a human being with feelings, that no matter how many times I say that I am strong, I still cry. I am blessed to have you here. God bless you Purvi and happy new year ❤

Purvi from India on December 30, 2019:

Great poem.

You narrate your feelings very nicely. Really you have a god gift in writing. You see what your inner strength? Every bad incident teaches us some new things in our life. Because of him, you write good poems like this one - "Insomniac: My Silent Killer".

So, forget what happened in the past and live life happily.

Thanks for sharing this.

Happy New Year ,Crezyl !

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Clive, I am not dying of my sleep, I am dying because of a person who always see me as worthless. He's my torture, I can share my story to you personally, not here. God bless Clive and happy new year ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Yeah Ruby. I started writing at very young age, my works are hiding on my old notebooks, I have no talent, I can't dance or sing, so whenever I'm hurt I've nowhere to turn to, thank God that I have this haven. God bless and happy new year ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Pamela you have fully understood my poem. This poem speaks my life. I will be free soon. Thank you and happy new year ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

I believe too Gypsy. God bless and happy new year. ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Elijah thank you for that advice. I believe in God with all my heart. And I've never doubted him anyhow. But as a teenager, confused and desperate human being, I will admit that i lose myself for many times, and I am fighting to go back because I have given my life to him. I know that this sadness is temporary and I'll be happy soon. Happy new year ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Carolyn if this is a gift, I am thanking God endlessly because without it I don't know how to handle myself. Thank you. Happy new year ❤

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Bless you Brenda for your kind words. I always inculcate in my mind that there are things that are better and brigther. These things suffice my living and I am thankful that I can still manage myself and be positive in midst of these challenging life I have. Happy new year too ❤

Clive Williams from Jamaica on December 30, 2019:

Trying to understand the deeper meaning. Are you dieing from sleep? Is not sleeping torturing your mins and your beautiful face? Please let me know.

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on December 30, 2019:

crazy, I started writing on HP about 10 years ago, and just like you, I was hurting, but when I began to write I found some relief, and the more I put my hurts on paper the stronger I became, so don't give up. Ask God to help you, and he will. You love to write and that's a gift.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on December 30, 2019:

This poem sure recounts a toxic relationship. The victim needs to be away and free. You did a good job in speaking out about the domination by a mate.

Gypsy Rose Lee from Daytona Beach, Florida on December 30, 2019:

Most expressive and emotional poem. Hope the chains that bind you will let go soon.

Elijah A Alexander Jr from Washington DC on December 30, 2019:

Your words, Crezyl, "But the gun is IN my head" is the answer you are searching for. There are two kinds of deaths, physical and spiritual, and that statement suggests you are in pain because you are disconnected from God, which is within you. Therefore, reconnecting with God, whose within yourself, will kill your death wish and restore the contentment, happiness, joy and peace the separations caused.

All sources of I've ever studied suggest "God is within us" therefore that is where to look for what you seek. May you find that peace.

sources of enlightenment I've

Carolyn Fields from South Dakota, USA on December 30, 2019:

Being able to write and express these emotions is a gift.

I pray that you will break free soon, and live and laugh again!

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on December 30, 2019:


This one is very strong and emotional.

It is so hard when you feel broken. You feel like you cannot handle one more thing, that life is crushed beyond repair.

But you must remember why you try so hard to live realizing it is worth the journey to keep going.

No matter how bad things seem...God does have a plan and a journey for us to keep. We may not see it yet...but it will show itself in due time.

I hope the pain gets less allowing you to breathe...i know it is hard. I feel this pain.

Some days it seems like quitting is the only way...but trust me..it is not.

Living...following a dream for yourself will help get you back on track.

No more living only for him...gotta live for yourself and free your soul a bit.

Great write.

Happy New Year!

Crezyl (author) from Philippines on December 30, 2019:

Thank you John. My heart is heavy right now but I am moved by your words. Happy new year ❤

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on December 30, 2019:

Wow, Crezyl! This may be your most powerful poem yet. It is sad that someone has had that much of an effect on you but writing about it is one of the best ways of dealing with it. Thanks for sharing.

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