Updated date:

Still Immune

still-immune

Dear self, its me again. I don't know if you agree with what we've become, cause sometimes am actually not so sure about it myself.
The quiet is slowly eating me up driving me to dark places I don't even wanna have to tell you, because its gonna seem like I don't even know me.
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I think I miss the pain though, something to keep me on toes. To actually feel again even if I wouldn't buy the whole thing, just a tiny little bit, enough for a spark of a feeling.
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I miss the laughs really, and I know am not really funny. That's something we'll have to ressurect soon too I guess. I actually think I miss smiles, just a strangers smile.
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Last time hurt like the skies we're really, actually falling down, squeezing life out, my inhaler was my best friend for a couple of weeks I think.
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The scars are almost gone, physically. I can't talk on behalf of the heart, because its rhythm isn't back yet.
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I was immune to love, immune to following the masses.. Immune to thinking of a stranger's smile as 'cute '.... And now it's breaking down, my eyes just see what they want, and the brain tags in and interprates it as it wishes without even consulting...
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..
And I honestly don't know what to do.
. Dear self, am just wishing that's this is just a fling and it fade just as quick as it kicked it.
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.. I seriously can't go back to arguing and fighting you again while I know am clearly wrong.
...
If things turn out well, maybe heart will jump start and get well...
.. If its a trap, oh lord I just hope it isn't, let's just wish that we'll still be immune to the pain.

Comments

Dominic on April 05, 2020:

Good work.

Dear self, am just wishing that's this is just a fling and it fade just as quick as it kicked it. Touched me

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on April 05, 2020:

Nice write.

Everyone faces things in life where we just take a chance....not knowing the outcome.

Pain hurts more than hell, but immunity I doubt. I believe one gets crushed each time.

Unless we finally come to a point where we no longer care.

Hope the heart can find a way to jump start and get well.