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Radiation Poem

2011. 10+ years ago, I had an anxious-avoidant attachment style. This piece reminds me how far I've gr will continue to transform.

Radiation, a poem.

Feeling like I'm free,
Feeling big vibrations stabbing through my body.
Dancing in circles
ingulfed in my smiles
arms up, twirling with the lite warm midnight air

You can't force things to make magic on a note pad
even if you feel the urge so strong
to write it all out
to breath intensely with keystrokes
focusing on your words as they flow
from thoughts, channeled thought your joints and bones,
down out the tips of your fingers.
repeatedly keeping up in time.

Are you going to leave me now?
sobbing again on a hitched ride home.
twisting my heart again,
like manipulating children.
pinning parents against the home team.

Just breathe. Just believe
Give into love. Give into life.

I'm waiting, reaching the point of numb
so I cant feel my relentless need for a man.
I fall asleep at night dreaming of being held
I'll think of whispers I've once herd
things like I love you,
then seal the deal with a slow goodnight kiss.

My heart aches over and empty oil can
all dried up and dormant passion.
I can't even place the point of impact
or the timeline of how it happened.
some time ago, it started fading
a heartache locomotive running on dirty vapers
cross contaminating my emotions with love
trashing closest friendships because its comfortable.
in denial and desperate
and ill answer your 3am drunk dials.

Can anyone answer why we play these games?
the one were you surrender to the man, and the man to her
completely giving into the other
then your back to being last week's leftovers.
something you've been time and time again
sobbing on plan rides
and driving for hours
all for worth that's tunneling down a one-way burrow.

If history always repeats itself, then I want to drop the course.
id rather crash mid lesson,
to wake up on the side road
bleeding from the nose and head and eyes
trembling alone, and its cold.
Then you feel a shot,
something like morphine.
It stings as its stealing your breath.
adrenalin and hyperventilation churning your stomach.
And for the moment, you come to.
It was just a dream.
Falling asleep to dream of love,
just to wake up to a heartache.

© 2022 Francesca Caterisano

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