“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad.” — Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story
In the beginning, I thought of this as an opportunity to grow and start again.
And now I view it as a trap, one that I may have put myself in…
Everything looks the same, the phone, the computer, my world is gray.
Does this pandemic keep me here or do I put myself in this room day after day?
I think about ways out of my mind 100% of the time, should I quit my job, end my lease and be homeless, move away, or die?
If I could just be grateful enough for what I have, then would I’d feel alright?
I am happy for what I have, but that doesn’t mean that I am happy.
I wonder all the time, “What else could my life be?”
So I try to think myself out of it, “My future is bright!”
But the more and more I think about why I am unhappy the more I realize how much I am not alright.
Sometimes I think that my thoughts cause me to feel even worse.
I think and think until I’m digging myself into an even deeper hole and my brain feels like a curse.
So I try to stop my thoughts, “Alright, enough is enough.”
You’re going nuts, 2020 is just super tough.
So I take one shot… two shots…heck, I’ll take three.
Suddenly, I’m super happy.
But after a day goes by…
I now know that the happiness I felt was just a lie.
I realize that either way, shit, this is bad. When I drink, I drink way too much and end up feeling really sad.
If I choose to be sober all I am is a shell of a person who is just irritable and mad.
Why can’t I feel right in my head?
I should be building my life, but I am sitting here depressed instead?
There’s nobody to talk to who truly understands.
Even if someone did, what do I expect? That they’ll tell me all the right answers and hold my hand?
Nobody knows exactly what's right for me but me, and that’s the hard part.
When I feel absolutely stuck, I really don’t know where the changes need to start.
But, I’ve seen what happens to people who lose hope and that won’t be me.
I don’t want to end up dead, I want to be happy.
I’ve seen what depression does to people, and it makes me want to scream.
These people deserved a second chance, and that’s part of why I am fighting for me.
Even though the vision of what’s in my head and what my life is right now don’t seem to agree,
I’ll keep on trying, going up and down this rollercoaster of life until my truth finally sets me free.
All that I can do now is hope and pray, that life will somehow be okay.
I want to do so many cool things, and I really hope that it will happen one day.
Maybe what I need to do is start asking myself seriously, if this pandemic is what really set me on a negative journey,
Or if the person who is causing these problems is actually just me.
© 2020 Serenity
Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on November 19, 2020:
Many people are under more stress and experiencing feelings of depression right now. You are not alone. Just know that hope is around the corner, and if you need to talk to someone, professionals are out there who might be able to help. As Jodah wrote, you do appear to have some "hope and perseverance in your works." Hang in there!
John Hansen from Gondwana Land on November 18, 2020:
I agree with Vanita's comment. This is a sad but well-written monologue and there are hope and perseverance in your words.
Vanita Thakkar on November 18, 2020:
You have given a vivid description of inner conflicts that arise in a secluded state the pandemic has put everyone into.
The answer to your last question may well be - both - the pandemic as well as (y)our own self are causing the trouble under scrutiny. But whereas external situations are beyond our control, our own thoughts and actions are in our control. Relax and work and pray and enjoy and dream .... Your name is Serena and you will see yourself living your name :) :)
Lots of love and best wishes to you.