Nothing is Permanent

I.

After being freed from bondage and abusive relationship

My time was solely focus in work

Spent 16 to 24 hours inside my office

I did not mind the pressure

I craved for it

Unnoticed the passing hours

The ticking of clock did not exist

Breaks and offs not even

24/7 at work

I literally drowned myself.

II.

I wanted to be busier

I don’t want my mind lurking on events I want to forget

Concentrated on the tasks

Got better with it

Appreciated by my bosses

Raised my position to supervisor

I worked even harder

Made my way from an ordinary employee to someone of position

I loved the challenges

I adored the hurdles I need to overcome

III.

Loved the people assigned to me

Helped my siblings finish school

To cope with the trauma I resorted to giving

The more I share, the better I feel

The more I give, I am healing faster

At work I remained

Passionate

Dedicated

Innovative

It became my addiction

IV.

Promotion came as a manager

At the age of 25

It was bliss

My work became my life

I go out but not too much

With friends or colleagues, seldom

Alone, yes

I feel safer

Tried my best to get out of my protective shell

I needed to

I have to!

V.

Finally did after a few years of freedom

I am naturally a happy person

Optimistic

Funny in my own way

Was able to break my cocoon open

Spread my wings

Show the people around me the real me

I trusted more

I laugh a lot

Became a confidante of the people I am managing

I went out more often and rewarded myself

VI.

My family accepted me again

I vowed to help my 7 siblings finish school

I owe my parent so much

They are old

Help and care they need

Richelle became a teacher

Rose, another teacher

Orlando became like me, a nurse

Ronald finished HRM

Then the first Engineer, Rommel

VII.

Never been out of the country

Rode an airplane only once

I traveled within the country

Never cared much for material things

My cell phone and gadgets always out of date

Not bothered

So long as the bills are paid and groceries in the house

Allowances and tuition fees are paid

My life revolved on making people around me happy

It made me happy and at peace.

VIII.

Another Engineer in the family, Regina graduated

And last but not least, Raquel

Another teacher in the family

After the last sibling graduated

I asked myself what’s next

Was not prepared for that

Who

Where

What

Should I focus on this time?

IX.

One thing I always forget

Me

I forgot myself in the healing process

I was mending my broken relationships with family

Trying my best to be the daughter and sister they expect me to be

Built skills apart from my real profession

Embraced the appreciation of my bosses

Molded and guided newbie employees

I felt that something is missing

Looked and looked and there I found…me

X.

I prayed to God

I needed guidance

I am lost without Him

My stubbornness makes me deaf and blind

He wanted something more for me

I needed to step back and look within me

The journey of healing is never easy

You can be blinded

You can be mislead

God is absolute; He took my hand to the right path.

XI.

I needed to change to follow God’s way

Was I scared?

Yes, I was

What if no one understands?

What if everything I have worked for will be messed up?

What if my time got wasted?

I can’t bring back time

I can lose the people I care about again

What about my job

Too many sacrifices

Is it worth the gain?

XII.

One accident put me in a coma for a month

No recollection of my hospital days

My mind until now has no memory of what really happened

They said I was crossing the pedestrian lane

A single motorcycle hit me hard

I had seven lacerations on my head

It knocked me out

Good thing there are really angels

A man and woman helped me out

Brought me to the hospital and kept my valuables safe

Never met them

XIII.

When I came back to the real world

After weeks of slumber on the hospital bed

I have no recollection of years and people in my life

Ironically not the greatest trauma though

No sense of smell until now

No sense of taste for a year

Can’t fully move my right jaw

My usual smile erased

Cannot work for two months

One year therapy for my head and jaw

I cried lots of times

I am a nurse that is why I know

No point in crying because it is done.

XIV.

When I returned to work

Hopeful

Excited

Ready to face the real world again

But I was mistaken

People I’ve worked with for years

Distant and not the same

Demoted from manager to a regular employee again

Even my bosses doubted my skills and capability

Hurt like a bitch

People you cared for and trained

Turned against you too

I was caught off guard

XV.

What did I do to deserve that?

I heard them talking about me on the rooftop and canteen

They wanted me out

I am not getting their position

Though it was previously mine

I have no intention to get revenge

It was not their decision

And maybe at that time it was the best for me

I need to recover

That accident has hurt my nerves

But seeing people drift like that is poison

It is a daily torture.

XVI.

That time I knew in a painful way

God has been teaching me which way to go

I doubted Him

I wanted to go my way

He showed me who the people around me are

He gave me all in a detailed platter

He had to

I needed that because I am too hard headed

It was too painful to realize

I am just used, again

People are created in the likeness of God

Our free will has made us evil

Ways that even God’s heart is continuously being stabbed

He is bleeding because He loves us.

© 2018 Ronadel Razon