Ode to My Beloved TP

Updated on March 20, 2020
cam8510 profile image

Chris has written poetry for 28 years though he focuses on short fiction. But watch out for the occasional twisted nursery rhyme.

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Ode to My Beloved TP

Rolls of squares

Squares on rolls

Just two of the ways I consider my beloved.

Ah, the happiness you bring

And the joyous caper

Once I’ve applied my dear toilet paper.

Most of the time

I take you for granted,

Sorry to admit, but it’s true.

In times like these, when the future is questioned, I lie awake throughout the night,

And ask myself if those I love have enough.

Then I come to the ultimate question,

A terror in the night.

If everyone is quarantined,

And I find myself alone.

If the refrigerator is stocked

With things I’ve never given a second thought,

Would someone tell me before it starts smellin

What can I do with pickled watermelon?

But I digress,

My focus is you

My first love in these days of catastrophe.

In normal times, I may bluff

And stoop to some less satisfying fluff.

Paper towels, newspaper, kleenex and worse,

Oh yes, there is such a thing,

It’s a curse...

Stranded,

Stranded,

Stranded on the bathroom bowl.

What do you do when you’re stranded

And there’s nothing left on the roll?

Oh, my breaking heart when I consider such an event.

And so I vow,

I’ll do it now,

In this time of uncertainty.

I’ll drive to the mart,

And grab two carts.

Down the aisles I’ll run.

Charmin,

Scott’s,

Coronet,

Cottonelle,

Angelsoft,

Whitecloud

All of them, terms of endearment

For my one and only.

And when I’ve found them

I will fill my carts

With an insane amount of toilet paper

And will fill my heart with the assurance

That if today is my last

Those who find me need not ask

Whether I knew

How to clean up

My act.

Johnny Carson Started the Toilet Paper Crisis

© 2020 Chris Mills

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    • carrie Lee Night profile image

      Carrie Lee Night 

      3 months ago from Northeast United States

      This was so funny and witty :) I loved its light heartedness. Could feel the three sheets to the wind drama :)

    • lawrence01 profile image

      Lawrence Hebb 

      3 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

      Chris

      I think we missed this one when I was growing up, could be the fact we were facing having power for only four days a week!

      Enjoyed the humour though.

      By the way, NZ is producing as much as she can, but the dockers aren't alliqed to load it on the ships as it's not 'an essential item'!!

    • Brenda Arledge profile image

      BRENDA ARLEDGE 

      4 months ago from Washington Court House

      Cute one.

      Lucky if you can find any around here...maybe a few off brands now and then.

      Nice write.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      4 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Nicely done friend. TP is real interesting and needed some humor about it.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      4 months ago from The Caribbean

      Adorable! I never thought I would say that about poem or prose on the topic of toilet paper. Seems like something Andy Rooney would have done. Good work!

    • Eurofile profile image

      Liz Westwood 

      4 months ago from UK

      This made me laugh. We all need a little humour, especially at the moment. I heard that there's a tale doing the rounds. The year is 2058. For one man it is a significant time. He has just used the last toilet roll that was bought in 2020!

    • Majestic Tells profile image

      Laurinzoscott 

      4 months ago from Kanab, Utah

      Thank you Cam...I have been pray9ng daily...but this country has endured soooi much ...we shall endure!!!

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Laurinzoscott, Thank you for that comment. My hope is that you and your family will be safe and happy as we go through this crisis.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Charlie Halliday, As long as we have yesterday's newspaper, we should be just fine. Thanks for stopping by. Nice to see you.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Shambhavi Maurya, Thank you for that message. Lots of hope and love to you as well.

    • Majestic Tells profile image

      Laurinzoscott 

      4 months ago from Kanab, Utah

      OMg Chris, ill never see tp on the same light, and certainly never thought of such a. Stirring tribute ;) ...awesome...this had me in tears

    • drylen profile image

      Charlie Halliday 

      4 months ago from Scotland

      Enjoyed this one Chris.

      This is a verse from a hub I wrote about tenement living.

      There was no toilet roll then without the panic buyers lol

      You have an early model the one without a loo.

      You share the one that’s out there on the stairs.

      No cushionelle, or andrex puppy paper there for you.

      Just yesterday’s newspaper cut up into square.

    • Shambhavi maurya profile image

      Shambhavi Maurya 

      4 months ago from Chandigarh

      Hi mr Chris mills I loved your poem lots of love to you

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      If we were all relatively healthy, then yes, just spread it and become immune. But look what's happening. 61 year old man who works for NBC. Dead. I'm pretty sure I had it in November. If so, I infected a lot of people. We didn't even know about it then, but many believe it was here. No, don't think it would be better to get this virus. If that is what I had, it was the sickest I have ever been with a respiratory illness. I'm staying home this weekend. I'll speek with one of the docs at work on Monday about this. Protect the old and the immunocompromized by staying away from them.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      4 months ago from Central Florida

      People alienate each other as it is because technology has taken the place of human interaction. I don't like the 6-foot distance thing. Your spittle can still fly my way, so isn't it a moot point?

      As long as you don't lick my face or shake my hand after wiping your nose, I don't see why we have to distance ourselves from each other more than we already have as a society.

      I say this from my home office. I'm pretty much a homebody, after years of being a social animal. However, I enjoy the interaction I have with my species when I'm out and about. I'm still a friendly person but have to be very conscious about "social distancing". Sheesh! Maybe if we were to contaminate each other we'd become immune.

      How's that for food for thought?

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Shauna, stepped into line in the cafeteria at work one day last week. I stopped short of the person in front of me, not because I had any inclination to do so, but the entire line was strangely and awkwardly spaced by about six feet between people. Unless the people were together. Then they were normal distance, which doesn't necessarily make sense. People are people. At one point I took a step back, and the person behind me quickly retreated. Strange times. Hey, maybe we are developing some good habits and won't be hit so hard by the flu in the future.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      4 months ago from Central Florida

      Just came back to watch the video and Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" came to mind. I know when I saw the movie as a very young girl, I thought it was real. Kudos to acting and producing of the time. The country went into panic mode because it seemed so real.

      Unfortunately, our TP shortage is real, too. As is bottled water, fruits, vegetables, meats, bread, milk etc. Went to the grocery store today. The vacant shelves was depressing and very surreal.

      Thankfully, I have plenty of food in the house and am not sequestered. I'm free to go outside, shop, and to work. At least for now. I'm over 60 and have high blood pressure, but other than that, I have a very strong immune system. Yes, I'm taking precautions (sing Happy Birthday to yourself when you wash your hands - that's 20 seconds) and I'm no longer a social animal; I prefer solitude or visiting with my neighbors over going to bars or being around crowds, so I'm good. However, making sure I had six feet of space between me and the customer in front of me at checkout today, was a bit weird. It is what it is.

      Hopefully, this'll be over soon.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Ruby, Carson was the best of the best at what he did. He made us laugh at all the right times.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Linda, we need to look for every opportunity to laugh now. Enjoy the little things.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      4 months ago from Central Florida

      Good luck finding TP, Chris! I'd been looking since last Saturday. I had it as a normal item on my grocery list. I don't wait until I run out of anything; I put the items on my list when running low.

      Boy, was I in for a shock! I had four rolls in the house between me and my son and was starting to panic. I visited multiple stores and made many phone calls. No one had TP in stock.

      Then I lucked out. I called the grocery store I've been frequenting since 1987, knowing they had none on the shelves. The angel who answered the phone at the courtesy desk told me there was none on the shelves, but they had a pack of Charmin stashed behind the desk. I had them make sure it was septic safe (although, at this point it really didn't matter) and it was. The clerk told me she'd hold it for me until I got off work. She'd tell her co-workers that her aunt was picking it up at 5:00.

      I was elated! I was expecting a four-pack and it turned out to be a 16-pack! And it was on sale!!!

      My son said, "Mom, where'd you find that? We have enough toilet paper for a month now!" I had to remind him that I have to wipe every single time I go. He only has to wipe when he does what bears do in the woods. Reality check!

      Nevertheless, it'll stay on my grocery list until I find some more. Otherwise, I'll have to do my duty in my back yard and use elephant leaves. That's what you do when you go camping, right? Ha ha.

      Love your poem, Chris. We need to keep our sense of humor alive and well in these dire times.

      Thank you for making me laugh. And I didn't piss my pants!

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 

      4 months ago from SW England

      Great poem, Chris! I was smiling all the while.

      Isn't it crazy that people are stock-piling loo rolls? The powers that be are saying we have enough food and supplies but people still stock-pile and there's nothing for others! I don't understand it.

      I hope you're keeping well and safe in all this madness.

      Ann

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Richert 

      4 months ago from Southern Illinois

      I can't believe we chose the same picture for our nutty pieces. The video is LOL funny. We need a laugh and you delivered.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 

      4 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This is funny, Chris. Thank you for the sharing the amusing poem. It's good to laugh for a moment.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Peggy and Pamela, thank you. I'm glad I can lighten the mood for a few minutes.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      4 months ago from Sunny Florida

      This is a good time for a bit of humor. You have provided that in your very good poem. Stay safe, Chris.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      Umesh Chandra Bhatt, Thank you.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 

      4 months ago from Houston, Texas

      We all need a good laugh about now and you just furnished one for me. So thanks! Stay safe...and by all means, stay clean. Haha!

    • bhattuc profile image

      Umesh Chandra Bhatt 

      4 months ago from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India

      Interesting. Well presented.

    • cam8510 profile imageAUTHOR

      Chris Mills 

      4 months ago from Traverse City, MI

      John, I guess it's just something to do. Some people don't know how to cope with stress, so they just react. But really, I shouldn't try to provide more entertainment when I am up against the clown act during the daily presidential briefing.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 months ago from Queensland Australia

      I can’t help laughing at this. Though, It really must be how some people think. Our supermarkets have place a limit of one pack per customer on toilet paper. Some who stocked up early are selling it on Gumtree (a site like eBay) for ridiculous amounts like $500 for a pack of 12. Very funny, Chris.

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