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Not Okay


I am not okay, always thought I was. i am just not okay if you not here with me, everything thing very different and not in the way I'd like it to be. I just spent an hour outside just starring at that star, (our star) took a while but it did come out eventually but you were not there and it just felt off. it didn't even make me smile, I just walked away....
I always thought that, the emptiness would fill up eventually but it just doesn't. it's driving me nuts to be honest. And the voices in my head reminding me that's its all my fault just adds to my already immense misery.
i am a wreck... always ruining things, always doubting when things are really great, never sure when to fully give in or even try at all..
If there is a way to fix it all up, am pretty. sure amma wreck it too either way.....
Am not the jealous type really, really got no type at all, but you really being happy and me not being the reason makes me wonder if there's an assassin's school nearby.
Maybe its my crazy taste in music, or just maybe this thing called love isnt meant for me and am not meant for it, or maybe I just don't know how or when to let go.......
am for sure not okay, and the fact that there's nothing I can do but watch makes me wish I could really go for a very long period of hibernation and wake up with no memories.

© 2021 Amani Utembu