Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management.
Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was as it was. That’s what I wanted-to be alone with myself from another world, where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself.”
–—‘Long Days Journey Into the Night’ Author: Eugene O’Neill
“I wish you could understand it, but you’ll never fully understand”
Processing Emotions When Borderline: Dear Society
I am my own worst enemy.
I am at times happy...but... it doesn’t feel right.
It feels weird to me... like it isn’t REALLY me.
From day to day; even moment to moment, I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
I Can not understand why it hurts so bad.
Words just become words with no meaning.
‘Hope’, ‘Love’ for example.
At the same time they have no meaning, a million emotions are screaming from inside me at the same time.
They are swift to change and I don’t know why or what’s going on.
As a neurotypical, this sounds crazy to you.
You feel emotions.
You can decipher them.
You see me as emotionally unstable.
I feel all of them ALOT.
The intensity is magnified from what you feel or can even fathom.
- Constant Frustration
- Deep emotional pain
- Intense Fear
These are examples of what I feel at a steady interval of crashing waves.
Uncontrollable turbulent seas of constant uncertainty I drown in.
I have no idea why they happen or what caused them.
They just constantly exist.
I am fearful of what others can see.
I become who I need to be.
I trade faces of what and who I’m expected to be.
If I showed my true face? You would call me psychotic, crazy, insane.
Most commonly, we that live the borderline, have an irrational fear of abandonment.
Anyone that comes into our life, we deeply fear will leave us.
I push you away because I will break if you leave me behind first.
Self-sabotage to fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You could be the most unkind and abusive person to me.
In reality, no matter how you treat me, I will do anything for you to not leave me.
To me, as long as you stay, you are perfect.
Society Fears Me
Dear Lover, Friend, Partner, Spouse...I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
Yet I hate you…
- Do you still love me?
I have never known who I am.
I used to be someone different.
She is gone.
I barely remember her.
I do things I am not proud of.
Maybe even ashamed of.
I am told I’m an adult, to control myself.
But I can’t.
I do try.
Impulsivity beats me every time.
They don’t understand When I say...
I’m the most suicidal person you will meet, but afraid to die.
I don’t want to die...to kill myself.
I just don’t want to exist in my reality.
You see my scars.
I see the stares and I notice the whispers.
When I cut myself, it eases pain I can’t get to subside.
I don’t want to do it.
I just can’t stand the pain.
“Love The Way You Hate Me”
I function either feeling nothing at all...
...or always in a darker place than you can imagine.
It’s this void.
I’d give anything to fill that void.
I lash out sporadically at anyone around me.
I will say the most hurtful things and don’t mean them.
I try to keep myself from being so malicious and I can’t stop myself.
I do it to hurt you...so you can’t hurt me.
There are days I want to run away, I’ve actually tried.
It follows me.
I am not a monster and not insane.
I won’t kill you in your sleep.
I’m just a victim of a lifelong relationship with abuse and trauma.
I am just learning how to survive…to cope.
Please just be patient with me as I learn to battle my demons.
Love me when I can’t love myself.
FFDP: “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”
Which is Your Downfall
- The Stigma of Personality Disorders
Misinformation through avenues such as the Media and report misleading i formation that results in the public’s fear of the mentally ill. BPD is the most stigmatized out of the personality disorders.
- A Brief Look at My Life with Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Ill
I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it.
Are You Scared Of Too Much Empathy? Or No Empathy?
|Borderline PD||Narcissistic PD||Anti-Social|
Extreme (Too Much)
Multidimensional and dysfunctional
Déficit in Empathy (esp affective empathy). Affective and Cognitive empathy they are lacking at least one. May have no empathy.
Domestic Violence Common
Updating the Neurotypical Society of Darkness and Light That is Still Right Out of Sight
It is 2022; I am alone. He left and I am numb now.
Not due to being in control of the tsunami of emotions
Due to whatever the excuse is that particular moment.
I killed myself.
I had the most peaceful and nothing but blackness
9 minutes the demons told me
Tony...demons being he shot me up
I was not ashamed. I was angry. Sad
I didn't call my husband. I was just so dead
My brain wasn't processing what I did, that I died
I just wanted to get out of this black hole somehow
Than he took two months of my life and made me belive
Believe he loved me, that I was never going to be loved.
That my personality disorder couldn't be cured.
I couldn't take pills that would balance me to normal.
But I wanted my husband. He didn't want me.
Not enough to realize that he proved he never loved me at all
He had no reason now. I gave him the end all reason.
I am Bipolar; I got Seroquel. I am not the wife you think I am.
I am Pjay's wife. I am confused. I am in pain that I will never be able to stop.
I just lost them both and turns out never at fault and malparactice
The doctor was not doing his job. No one ever listened.
I was in Texas again'; and my husband knows
Pjay knows; I can tell he sees his wife is back.
He won't return messages anymore; I feel cursed.
How can I have 15 years behind me. Yet I feel love.
For Pjay. He just left it feel's for war. Why am I so in love with Chad?
He reminded me of my husband I lost for a doctor that killed my liife.
My dad won't even listen. He crucified me. I don't want to be here
I want to go away again. This is too painful to feel.
My own husband's and my father and my mother
Sister. Friends. No one wants to stand ujp and just admit it.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OFY OU FAILED ME.
© 2021 Abby Rourk