Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology
Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was as it was. That’s what I wanted-to be alone with myself from another world, where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself.”
–—‘Long Days Journey Into the Night’ Author: Eugene O’Neill
“I wish you could understand it, but you’ll never fully understand”
Processing Emotions When Borderline: Dear Society
I am my own worst enemy.
I am at times happy...but... it doesn’t feel right.
It feels weird to me... like it isn’t REALLY me.
From day to day; even moment to moment, I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
I Can not understand why it hurts so bad.
Words just become words with no meaning.
‘Hope’, ‘Love’ for example.
At the same time they have no meaning, a million emotions are screaming from inside me at the same time.
They are swift to change and I don’t know why or what’s going on.
As a neurotypical, this sounds crazy to you.
You feel emotions.
You can decipher them.
You see me as emotionally unstable.
I feel all of them ALOT.
The intensity is magnified from what you feel or can even fathom.
- Constant Frustration
- Deep emotional pain
- Intense Fear
These are examples of what I feel at a steady interval of crashing waves.
Uncontrollable turbulent seas of constant uncertainty I drown in.
I have no idea why they happen or what caused them.
They just constantly exist.
I am fearful of what others can see.
I become who I need to be.
I trade faces of what and who I’m expected to be.
If I showed my true face? You would call me psychotic, crazy, insane.
Most commonly, we that live the borderline, have an irrational fear of abandonment.
Anyone that comes into our life, we deeply fear will leave us.
I push you away because I will break if you leave me behind first.
Self-sabotage to fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You could be the most unkind and abusive person to me.
In reality, no matter how you treat me, I will do anything for you to not leave me.
To me, as long as you stay, you are perfect.
Society Fears Me
Dear Lover, Friend, Partner, Spouse...I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
Yet I hate you…
- Do you still love me?
I have never known who I am.
I used to be someone different.
She is gone.
I barely remember her.
I do things I am not proud of.
Maybe even ashamed of.
I am told I’m an adult, to control myself.
But I can’t.
I do try.
Impulsivity beats me every time.
They don’t understand When I say...
I’m the most suicidal person you will meet, but afraid to die.
I don’t want to die...to kill myself.
I just don’t want to exist in my reality.
You see my scars.
I see the stares and I notice the whispers.
When I cut myself, it eases pain I can’t get to subside.
I don’t want to do it.
I just can’t stand the pain.
“Love The Way You Hate Me”
I function either feeling nothing at all...
...or always in a darker place than you can imagine.
It’s this void.
I’d give anything to fill that void.
I lash out sporadically at anyone around me.
I will say the most hurtful things and don’t mean them.
I try to keep myself from being so malicious and I can’t stop myself.
I do it to hurt you...so you can’t hurt me.
There are days I want to run away, I’ve actually tried.
It follows me.
I am not a monster and not insane.
I won’t kill you in your sleep.
I’m just a victim of a lifelong relationship with abuse and trauma.
I am just learning how to survive…to cope.
Please just be patient with me as I learn to battle my demons.
Love me when I can’t love myself.
FFDP: “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”
Which is Your Downfall
- The Stigma of Personality Disorders
Misinformation through avenues such as the Media and report misleading i formation that results in the public’s fear of the mentally ill. BPD is the most stigmatized out of the personality disorders.
- A Brief Look at My Life with Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Ill
I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it.
Are You Scared Of Too Much Empathy? Or No Empathy?
|Borderline PD||Narcissistic PD||Anti-Social|
Extreme (Too Much)
Multidimensional and dysfunctional
Déficit in Empathy (esp affective empathy). Affective and Cognitive empathy they are lacking at least one. May have no empathy.
Domestic Violence Common
© 2021 Abigayle Malchow-Rourk
Abigayle Malchow-Rourk (author) from Wisconsin on January 10, 2021:
Thank you all for your feedback!
I appreciate the encouragement. I was diagnosed at age 27, while being an Army wife. The stigma attached to my illness meant insurance would deny me therapy and medication because it was viewed to be not treatable.
I was given a different diagnosis to receive help but I hid the truth for over a decade. But two years ago I truly wanted to be able to have a relationship again and that was what made me spiral to non functioning.
When I told my boss two months later I get fired for something stupid and four years never a write up. I knew it’s because of what I said.
But my daughter and I talked a lot about mental illness and triggers and understanding why people have to be treated. I even told all my kids it’s not my fault. I was born with a normal brain. I have no chemical imbalance.
Mom was made this way.
My daughter read my stuff I never showed anyone and insisted I go public and talk about things I was ashamed of. That the way I wrote was different I guess lol. So I did. Lost my sister again. Disowned for it but it’s about my brain. My trauma. Why I can’t just get better.
If we don’t speak out we will never overcome IGNORANCE and fear and the stigma in mental illnesses. People thing I’m a sociopath and narcissist and I’m far from that. I have too much empathy. I will go into meltdowns to protect myself where I have no choice but to only care about me and seem narcissistic.
So awareness is us sharing and with bpd? Sharing viral is terrifying. And I have a hard time publishing something and not deleting it later paranoid and scared of what others think of me.
But I want to be understood not feared.
Please share with others of you know someone that needs to know it’s not just them.
Lots of love to all of you beautiful people!
Chitrangada Sharan from New Delhi, India on January 09, 2021:
Deep thoughts expressed in your writing. I am sure that those affected by BPD, or those who know such people, who are affected will gain from your well written piece.
Take good care of yourself and thanks for sharing.
Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on January 09, 2021:
"Impulsivity beats me every time." - This reminds me of that Oscar Wilde quote: "I can resist everything but temptation."
Thank You for describing your experience. My brother-in-law was bipolar. He's no longer with us so, please do take care of yourself as good as possible.
I wish You well and best of luck! And I do like that drawing, or painting (not sure which it is - I only know how to draw stick men).
John Hansen from Queensland Australia on January 08, 2021:
Quite a powerful piece of writing to highlight BPD. Thank you for sharing the awareness.