Life Is Not Black And White

Been there done that, and I am usually the one who gives in and apologises first. I hope your situation has been resolved, Dream On.

I love it that life is so colorful, so crazy, so incredibly exciting always something new to look forward to.

I can relate to this one. It's especially hard to remain positive when presented with negativity that cannot be entirely avoided. But, here's something I've learned. . .even if you are wrong, we are all only human and there's still ALWAYS something to be positive about no matter what happens. I firmly believe that and it's gotten me through a lot.

Also, it is not always necessary to see eye to eye. When the "weapons" are laid down, does it really matter who is wrong or right? If possible, maybe seeing a bit from her perspective might lessen your own need for such strong defense. Just a thought.

Often the best way to present one's viewpoint is just to live it by example and let it be understood as well as the other people are able to. After all, what is good for oneself may not apply in the same way or at the same time to the other person, who has a background & backlog of impressions and experiences with his/her own life which are valid to him/her. Just because one believes one's own views to be best - and they ARE valid for oneself - it's not possible to impose them on someone else, whose own view matter to them. If one's example 'speaks to' them, they may use it for themselves, but even if they do, it will not be identical in their application as it is in yours -- because they do not have the same background and experiences from which your perspective developed.

But that's OK. It doesn't mean that either person is 'wrong'. Of course, in a marriage, one wants the shared life to be harmonious. The only way it can be is for each partner to truly respect the other's positions. And things will change and grow together -- IF there are fewer confrontations and more patience with each other's positions all along in the constantly living relationship.

You can't begrudge the times she has been patient with your differences. She was not being dishonest and maybe was trying to 'keep the peace'. But she was doing it out of love, even if it wasn't that she agreed with you. Sometimes it makes things worse to try so hard to explain yourself. It is really saying that you're right and your way should be adopted by her, because hers is not right. Obviously, that unspoken but clear message does not win anyone over to your way! If she pretended it did, you'd hate that even more than not being agreed with.

I think it's unfair to bring in an ally for one of the partners, like her aunt, but it only multiplies the reasons for not trying to explain yourself to them both.

Being willing to allow your example / influence to speak for itself while giving her the benefit of the doubt & truly understanding that she has valid reasons for her positions does have hope of making life smoother in your home. It is not being weak or dishonest when you withhold the arguments for your position. It's being wise and considerate. At another time if there is mutual willingness to calmly discuss it without either of you claiming to be right, it could improve the atmosphere even more. But such a moment must be spontaneous and truly mutual. It can't be demanded or insisted upon or it would result in another confrontation of some kind.

Perhaps you know this in your heart. (smile)

Yes, there is value in another opinion or 'take' on a situation. Still, one must have confidence in one's own understanding and opinion. The tricky part can be to allow others to have and to be confident in theirs, too. We are so conditioned to thinking there is one 'right' or 'better' way that we have difficulty realizing that for each person, there is a most right or best way for themselves, even if it differs from ours or from the general consensus. It almost goes against the grain to admit that there are other valid views for other people, though. We're taught and conditioned to doubt differences being OK. Rulers and demigods foster our belief that there is A RIGHT way - and, of course, they insist that it is the one they have or want us to accept.

There are few things, though, in which there is not room for valid differing views. And when one's views are used for and applied to one's own behavior and not for forcing them on everyone else, they become one's own identity & strength of purpose & character. And that speaks for itself. They don't have to clash with others' strong views. That is a choice of the people involved. But even if one is confronted with someone who is determined to insist that their view is the only right one, one can give benefit of the doubt to them and simply hold to one's own view without animosity or rancor. As you said another place, 'live and let live'. But so many people are terrified that if others have and are allowed differing viewpoints, their own will somehow suffer or be declared invalid and that the others’ will be forced on them. They don’t realize they have a choice and so does the other person, so they try to impose theirs and to force everyone to agree with theirs out of self-defense. It can become a vicious circle without resolution if both persons feel that way. But if you just refuse to participate in that battle, knowing it has no real 'legs', it is surprising how quickly it dissipates. At least you feel better and haven't expended energy on the futility of trying to persuade the other person your view is THE right one - or even that you have and claim the right to it for yourself.

When we do agree & share similar views with others, of course, it's more comfortable & it feels safe & good. So it's natural to gravitate to others with similar views. But we should not forget that it does not make those views the only 'right' ones.

All I did was try to see what you were saying from your viewpoint, by the way. If it helped you, I'm overjoyed. Hugs.

So do I appreciate music and talent at it.