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11 Lame Limericks of Love and Lustfulness

John values the use of humour and enjoys writing and reading limericks and jokes. He is a fan of Dr. Seuss, Edward Lear and Shel Silverstein

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

Choosing a topic

My process of writing a collection of limericks is first to choose a topic. This is the easy part, whatever comes into my head. My previous topics have been 'life', 'tv and movie characters' and 'sport'. This time I decided to choose 'love' as it is the most popular subject for poetry. However limericks by their very nature tend to lend themselves to leaning towards the ruder side of things, so although I had good intentions, some of these tend to contain 'adult themes' as the movies say.

Therefore I decided to alter the title from "Limericks of Love" to "Lame Limericks of Love and Lustfulness". I hope you enjoy my fourth collection of limericks.

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness
Sculpture by Barbara St Jean

Sculpture by Barbara St Jean

A Good Fit

There was a young couple in love,

Brought together by God up above.

When they were apart

It broke both their hearts.

Her name was Hands, and his Glove.

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

The Pearl Diver

A tanned deep-sea diver, Tom Sirl

Was desperately needing a girl.

While diving one day

He shouted, "Hooray!"

He's caught a sweet mermaid named 'Pearl.'

Courting Couple

A couple from London were courting,

Though it may not have seemed very sporting.

When they drove to the lake,

His clothes off he's take,

Then she'd run away laughing and snorting.

Big Butts

I'm Behind You

A fellow with love on his mind,

Had a thing for a curvy behind.

He met this big girl

Who'd sway and she'd twirl.

Oh she was a wonderful find.

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

Over My Dead Body

A couple were due to be wed,

But the bride's mother suddenly said,

"If you marry that guy

Your father will die!

With my blessing, please go ahead."

Yankee Doodle

A horny young soldier named Frank

Spent most of the war in a tank.

Though from the U.S of A

That isn't to say,

The reason they called him a 'Yank.'

King of the Ring

True love is a beautiful thing,

It is often sealed with a ring.

As husband and wife

You're a couple for life,

As long as you treat him like King.

Love at First Sight

Their eyes met in the candlelight,

It was clearly love at first sight.

She smiled as he rose

Up onto his toes,

Just as tall as the table in height.

Roses are Red

Roses are red and violets are blue,

Honey is sweet and so are you,

Sunflowers are bright,

Except in the night,

So let's get together and ..garden.

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

Heart Race Disgrace

I met a beauty who made my heart race,

I asked her to come see my place.

She stepped in the door'

Took one look at the floor,

And said, "What an utter disgrace!"

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

The Internet Date

A pretty young girl known as Kate

Agreed to an Internet date.

The fellow she met

Who looked good on the Net,

Turned out obese, ugly, and late.

lame-limericks-of-love-and-lustfulness

© 2014 John Hansen

Comments

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on July 29, 2017:

Hi Shyron, thanks for finding this Hub. Glad you enjoyed these limericks. They are fun to write, you should give it a go.

Shyron E Shenko from Texas on July 29, 2017:

John, this is one that I missed, they so funny. I should try a few limericks.

Blessings my friend.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on June 06, 2017:

Thank you Fullerman. I enjoyed writing these.

Ryan from Louisiana, USA on June 06, 2017:

These were great. I especially loves the Heart Race Disgrace. I remember that Friends episode. This was a fun hub.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on June 05, 2017:

Thank you, Galaxy Rat. Glad you got a laugh from these.

GalaxyRat on June 05, 2017:

Haha. I love these. Good job!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on March 26, 2017:

Thank you for reading these, Demas. I appreciate your kind comment. Blessings to you.

Demas W Jasper from Today's America and The World Beyond on March 25, 2017:

Great illustrations and good efforts, John. Here's to you and yours!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on February 28, 2017:

Thanks Dream On. They'll be here.

DREAM ON on February 28, 2017:

I started to read them but I ran out of time.I will be back for my daily dose of laughter.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on February 27, 2017:

Hey, Dream On. Thanks for checking out my limericks and leaving such an encouraging comment. Glad they made you laugh, that was my aim. If you want more you may like to check out my other Limerick hubs listed at the end of this one. Thanks again.

DREAM ON on February 27, 2017:

I could read your limericks all day. Great hub and you got my morning off on the right foot. I'm still laughing. No I'm not done yet. Love the pictures too. Reading each limerick again one by one because they were so good. Funny and witty as they were. I still beg for more.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on February 19, 2015:

Thanks for the thumbs up Chris, glad you didn't find them all lame.. :)

Krzysztof Willman from Parlin, New Jersey on February 19, 2015:

Some of these are quite funny rather than just lame. Many of the pictures are also quite humorous and match up well with the limerick. Very entertaining voted up.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 29, 2014:

Haha Perspycacious...you may be right about chef de jour. Thanks for reading and liking "Over My Dead Body".

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 29, 2014:

Hi Mountainlife. I think someone just posted that pic on Facebook. I have seen it a couple of times. Not sure of the original source.

Demas W Jasper from Today's America and The World Beyond on October 29, 2014:

For chef de jour - (last line) he liked what he couldn't even see.

I add my vote to the others for "Over My Dead Body". Great twist.

Mountainlife on October 29, 2014:

Where did you get that smiley face picture at the beginning? I love it!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 24, 2014:

Thank you for finding the time to read this, I know how busy life can get Lady Fiddler. It is difficult when you are following a lot if people too to get around to reading everyone's hubs. Glad you found these funny, I appreciate your kind comments. My day has just begun but it should be ok thank you. Take care.

Joanna Chandler from On Planet Earth on October 24, 2014:

Hi good day Jodah sorry it took me so long to get here but I have been mighty busy lately. Your hub is a fun read :) I do hope you are having a wonderful day :)

Keep up the talented work !

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 03, 2014:

Hi Sweets21, thank you for reading another of my hubs. Glad these gave you a laugh to start the day.

Tara Sellers on October 03, 2014:

This is so funny! There's nothing better than having a good laugh and you have definitely achieved that for me. Made my morning!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 29, 2014:

Thank you for the visit and comment Mark. I appreciate the vote up too.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 29, 2014:

Thank you for the visit and comment Mark. I appreciate the vote up too.

Mark Lees on September 29, 2014:

I have always loved limericks, a delightfully simple yet surprisingly subtle form of poetry.

Voted up.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 25, 2014:

Thanks for checking out my hubs Mira. I'm glad you got a laugh out of a few of these limericks. When I am having trouble thinking of a subject to write about I find I can always come up with new limericks. I appreciate your kind comment.

Mira Fang from Canada on September 25, 2014:

'Over My Dead Body', 'King of the Ring' and 'The Pearl Diver' were my favourites in that order. I had a good laugh over a few of them. I am so glad you decided to go back to writing. You surely have the talent for it!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 25, 2014:

haha Suzanne, I am in touch with my feminine side. Thanks for reading and relating.

Suzanne Day from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia on September 25, 2014:

So true!!! The title grabbed me for this hub, then I read the poem about internet dating and I went "that's me!" and "it totally sux!". Voted awesome because I don't know how you think like a girl but you get it ;)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 22, 2014:

Hi Colleen, yes I think in some cases that may be true. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Colleen Swan from County Durham on September 22, 2014:

Hi Again, I especially liked your limerick about a husband as king. It has been said that a man treats a woman like a princess or queen until she puts the wedding ring on; at that point she is transformed into a maid.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 22, 2014:

Hi again Vellur, glad you found these limericks funny.

Nithya Venkat from Dubai on September 22, 2014:

LOL!! Enjoyed reading!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 20, 2014:

Thank you Catherine, glad you enjoyed. "Over My Dead Body" seems the most popular so far.

Catherine Giordano from Orlando Florida on September 20, 2014:

Loved the limericks. Great fun. I liked over my dead body.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 20, 2014:

Thanks for that Kevin.

The Examiner-1 on September 20, 2014:

I thought that those limericks were witty John. I could not rate the last video because I was either reading the English translation, or just watching and not knowing what they said. I voted it up, shared and pinned it.

Kevin

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 19, 2014:

Hi Ryem, that is a very kind thing for you to say. Thank you.

Ryem from Maryland on September 19, 2014:

Jodah, your hubs never disappoint. These limericks are great!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 18, 2014:

Thanks for that Nellieanna though you din't need to explain. Limericks are just so much fun for me to write and somewhat of an outlet when I am having trouble thinking of a subject or inspiration for a more serious poem or topic.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 18, 2014:

Thank you sweet Kim, I appreciate your kind comment and smile. I just found out ads have been disabled on this by a personal hub review (not an automated one) which means someone complained about the content. I am sure it was due to a certain "behind" pic...oh well, what's a few ads. Have a great one.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 18, 2014:

Thank you Cat, glad you enjoyed these little ditties to start the day.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on September 18, 2014:

Of course, I didn't think you were in competition with Martin - or anyone. It was just by way of complimenting your own great limericks by comparing them with a master of the form. It's a very special skill which some have and others (don't I know it!) lack. hehe. Just rhyming the lines is not enough to make great limericks, nor are other poetic talents. For limericks, a most fine-tuned with-the-times humor AND the rhyming skill which distinguish the genre are needed! It's a pleasure to read good ones! Hugs.

Catherine Tally from Los Angeles on September 18, 2014:

John,

These are absolute gems!! I am still smiling at "Over My Dead Body."

What a great way to start the day!

Cat :)

ocfireflies from North Carolina on September 18, 2014:

My Dearest John,

What a treat. It is hard to choose which one I like the best, but "Courting Couple, Over My Dead Body and Yankee Doodle" are my top three. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. Hope to have my entry for Bill's song challenge published within the next year. Smiles.

My Best To You,

Kim

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 18, 2014:

Thanks for reading MsDora. It seems "Over My Dead Body" is the most popular. :)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 18, 2014:

Hi Nellianna, thanks for your contribution :) and kudos. MHatter (Martin) is certainly very accomplished at limericks and I'm not trying to compete with him, just put my own little piece of humour out there. Glad you found these funny.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

Thank you Jamie.

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on September 17, 2014:

Though I'd hate to be part of this experience, my favorite is Over My Dead Body. They're all funny.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on September 17, 2014:

How amusing is our dear John,

With the limericks he plays fully ‘round!

His humor is racy,

His purpose we may see

When Kudos come in with loud sound!

Here are mine! WOO-HOO! WOW, OH WOW! You’re GOOD at this stuff! :-) Our HP limerick king, MHatter, had better watch it! ;-) (However, he’s very good too!)

Jamie Lee Hamann from Reno NV on September 17, 2014:

Awesome Jodah, I love them! Jamie

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

Thank you for the congratulations Nadine, glad you are back online. Thanks for reading this hub.

Nadine May from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa on September 17, 2014:

What a great collection of lyrics Joday. I missed your posts because we have been off line and the emails did not get through. Congratulations on winning the Hubbie award. Well done!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

Thank you Sujaya.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

Thank you so much Gypsy, that is very kind of you. Glad you found these limericks enjoyable, and thank you for the vote up and sharing. Much appreciated.

sujaya venkatesh on September 17, 2014:

a good collection jo

Gypsy Rose Lee from Daytona Beach, Florida on September 17, 2014:

Voted up and awesome. This was fantastic and I enjoyed it lots. Passing this on. No wonder you won that Hubbie award. Congrats and well deserved!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

Haha Phyllis, I am sure Frank will recover. Thanks for re-reading.

Phyllis Doyle Burns from High desert of Nevada. on September 17, 2014:

My sincere apologies to our dear friend Frank, Jodah. Hope he can forgive me. LOL I came back to read the limericks again. Lots of fun.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

You got it Eric ;)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 17, 2014:

He is a good looking chap. Don't know what she's complaining about.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

;) funny

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Sorry for the distractions Frank..not! :) Glad you found these enjoyable.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thanks Faith, sleep well. Glad these helped you go to bed smilng.

Eric Wayne Flynn from Providence, Rhode Island on September 16, 2014:

If "Yankee Doodle" is what I think, I dig it, ha.

EWF

Phyllis Doyle Burns from High desert of Nevada. on September 16, 2014:

Oh ! Silly shameful ol' me, dear Frank.

Frank Atanacio from Shelton on September 16, 2014:

lol oh Phyllis.. the before picture ( lol )

Phyllis Doyle Burns from High desert of Nevada. on September 16, 2014:

Being a man of words, Frank, it surprises me that you got hung up on the photos - or was it the ONE photo? My goodness! hahahaha

Frank Atanacio from Shelton on September 16, 2014:

Jodah it was very difficult reading your poetry because the photos and those quotes were so distracting.. in other words I loved them LOL great hub my friend :)

Faith Reaper from southern USA on September 16, 2014:

Hahaha ... loved all of these, so clever, as always, John!

Thanks for the laughs right before bed : ) Your imagery is perfect too.

Great talent for limericks and so much more.

Up +++ and away

Blessings

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Hey Jackie, thanks for the smile, and the vote up.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Hi taiwokareem, glad to have introduced you to limericks for the first time. I am glad you found them worth reading.

Jackie Lynnley from the beautiful south on September 16, 2014:

Very good! Thanks for the smiles. ^+

Taiwo Kareem from Salford on September 16, 2014:

Funny piece, actually this is the first time I actually found out about Limericks and it was worth reading from A to Z

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

haha, thank you Phyllis. I have to keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Ug.

Phyllis Doyle Burns from High desert of Nevada. on September 16, 2014:

My goodness, Jodah - You continually surprise me with your many talents. Awesome hub, you little devil. LOL

Up, F, A, I and H+

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thanks Flourish. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the limericks they like...haha...just joking :)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

haha thanks DealForALiving. The worrying thing is that really happens.

Nick Deal from Earth on September 16, 2014:

Just loved the internet date!

FlourishAnyway from USA on September 16, 2014:

My favorites are I'm Behind You andOver My Dead Body. Keep up the good work, John!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thank you for reading esmonaco. Glad you enjoyed.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Hi Audrey, glad to hear it. I crack myself up at times, but my wife doesn't't get my sense of humour... :(

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Haha Ruby, you are bad. Thank you.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Hey thanks chef. Writing limericks is fun....love to read your last line :)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thanks for reading bluebird. Yes the "behind" one was touch and go, especially the pic, but it obviously passed the censors. Yeah that smily pic is amazing.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thank you DDE, I never know what will pop into my mind next.

Eugene Samuel Monaco from Lakewood New York on September 16, 2014:

A really enjoyable read, my favorite was "Over My Dead Body" and the guy that says I'm the before pictures. Loved them very clever :) Thanks

Audrey Howitt from California on September 16, 2014:

Ah you crack me up!

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on September 16, 2014:

I laughed at them all. My favorite, the man in the tank. Hee. Tweeted

Andrew Spacey from Near Huddersfield, West Yorkshire,UK on September 16, 2014:

Good selection here Jodah, keep at it.

There was an old Scot from Dundee

Who married a young chickadee

On their very first night

When he turned out the light

.............................................?

bluebird on September 16, 2014:

Liked Good Fit, Pearl Diver and Roses are Red most of all.

And the risque one could have been left behind, ha ha. No really.

Anyway, good job on all the others. Thanks for this hub, it was mostly cute.

PS Loved the first picture with the sunset and the birds' wings making the smile. The quote about falling in love was excellent.

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on September 16, 2014:

Amazingly what you have thought about. I really enjoyed this read. Voted up, and interesting.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Well Rachael, thank you kindly. I have certainly developed a soft spot for the limerick lately, so no doubt you will see more from me from time to time. I am glad that I succeed in making them funny rather than 'lame'.

Wow, 'poet laureate' of Hub Pages....what a nice title, though I couldn't't even spell it.. :)

Rachael O'Halloran from United States on September 16, 2014:

There's not a lame one in the bunch. (Although "Lame" is an attention getter in the title!)

They are all entertainingly funny and I have two favorites already.

Over My Dead Body

King Of The Ring

Very well done! This is another example that proves why you won your Hubbie Award. You are the Poet Laureate of HubPages with your versatility.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Hey lambservant, thanks for reading and your kind words. Glad you enjoyed these limericks, lame or otherwise.

Lori Colbo from United States on September 16, 2014:

You need to 86 th e"lame" part. Very entertaining. I love the "Behind" one and the "over my dead body." Nice work.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

H Ann, glad you got a laugh out of these today.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on September 16, 2014:

Thanks for reading and laughing Shauna. "My Dead Body" :) Good choice.

Ann Carr from SW England on September 16, 2014:

Wonderful limericks to entertain us, John. The illustrations are perfect too. Thanks for the smile this afternoon!

Ann

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on September 16, 2014:

I love these, they always make me laugh John! I think my favorite is Over My Dead Body.

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