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In Hell

Kari is a compassionate and empathetic individual. She loves the earth and all its life. She is a believer in the dignity of each of us.

Generalized Anxiety

Anxiety is a strange feeling. It is defined as fear of the unknown. And this definition does describe anxiety, but only a little.

Think about all the unknowns in life and you will begin to realize the scope of anxiety. Hopefully, understanding more about the scope will help you understand why I find my anxiety so overwhelming.

I wish anxiety was fear of something. Then I could determine that something and work to overcome it. But, having anxiety is not the same as having a phobia. I do not have fear of anything specifically, I just fear everything generally.

Not Weak, Not unreasonable

I'm sorry if you think I am weak. I know I am strong. I am and always will be a survivor.

I'm sorry if you think I am irrational. I know my fears are unreasonable but that doesn't stop the feelings. I can even tell myself that I'm not being logical when I have anxiety, but it will not matter. The feelings don't leave just because I have a rational thought. The feelings are unreasonable!

I wish I had more control of my feelings. Then I could just (insert action that increases anxiety) without having a disabling panic attack. For instance, I would be able to leave the house without having a disabling panic attack. It sounds so simple.

But it is not simple.

In Hell

I think I'm in hell,

Just for this moment.

My heart pounds and

My palms sweat.

Breathing in short, sharp gasps,

Huddled into my shirt's neck,

I look around

To assess the danger.

It's a beautiful day,

The sun is shining down,

Cold and stark,

In the chilly air.

No one is on the street.

Yet I know danger

Is on its way.

My heart taps it out in a message.

My head screams it in my mind,

"Danger, Danger."

My breath catches in my throat.

My body is uncontrolled and jerky.

Dizziness hides in

My peripheral vision.

My muscles tense,

Ready to jump,

Strike, run.

I turn my head and

See the sun is out,

Cold and harsh,

On the landscape.

Danger is just a step away.

Maybe it comes from inside.

Maybe the danger I feel is me,

My misbelieving

Unconscious mind.

Unable to make sense of the threat.

Unable to keep it out.

It invades my mind

In the shape of logic.

Assuring myself it is fact.

Danger is here.

The lions and snakes have come.

No place to run,

No place to hide,

No place is safe.

Go to sleep,

Go to sleep,

"Stop lying," you think.

You close your eyes.

And sleep

Seeking to escape

The hell living now.

I sleep more now. It is the only way to escape. And I need to escape this reality of fear. I am exhausted.

Thank You

I hope this poem helps you to understand how my anxiety feels. I want to thank you for being present in my life during this time. Thank you for not showing me impatience or annoyance. I wish I could think of a way to tell you how much your support means to me. Be well!

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