Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology
“Silent Scream” by: Anna Blue
My heart races with anxiety, it’s almost six am.
I am nervous as I listen for the door; quietly, or will it slam?
I close my eyes so tightly; I never know the mood I’m in for.
The clock says it’s half past the hour hoping he’s at the store; for my sake.
It has been six months since a loving kiss, so sweet so I won’t wake.
I sadly smile with tear in my eye; when he’d silently crawl in and pull me close.
The memory ran off fast as it had come; a door opened and he said, ”OMG of course!”
”Shit!!!” I yell I side ”What the fuck did I not do or forget?”; I never do anything right!
I hear the slamming cupboard; the muttering and I get sad knowing its Gonna be a fight.
I wish it was he had a bad night; thanking God it’s not a more often than not thing.
I miss those morning kisses as he climbed in bed; loving me this way I looked at my ring.
Now he never first kisses me telling me he’s home; he gets so agitated at any thing not done.
House trashed and no kid did a thing; so I got home and grabbed my son.
One son is bagging the trash and one is prepping dinner; as I rushed about some.
It was so much better and a 9 hr day; he knew I did I for him and excited for morning to come!
My heart broke when I heard him call the kids lazy; “of course dishes aren’t washed” nothing ever gets done.
I started to cry as I sat; listening to him say my kids don’t ever clean in such a hateful tone.
God why can’t he see this isn’t about the kids; It’s about how much effort I put in for HIM.
One day he is grateful for one thing that I did; and he makes my Deep seeded sadness dim.
But as six months have gone by us; it has just gotten so bad I wonder why he married me....
“Little Toy Guns” By: Carrie Underwood
Its always that i am selfish; complains I always throw a fit until I get what I want
He will say ”I’m sorry, I’m trying”; but, he never truly tries, always another “sorry” - so nonchalant
I get no emotional intimacy; but he gets bitter and snide when I flinch from his touch
Sex and cuddling used to make me feel as one with him; emotionally Connected crazy much!
Now i feel a lonely and detached from him; he can’t see that hurt running deep Inside me
His touch is when he wants it with no emotional investment for months; this Is to only fulfill he
Sex is “roll over can I stick it in you”; it is rarely used on his behalf for emotional closeness
Its rarely about touching me, seeing love in eyes; never loving words, no kissing slowness
He can’t hear my pleading with him to get angry and agitated over everything; beg him to listen
Nothings ever done right, no matter how much I do he’s mad about the one thing missin
I get snapped at for burping so loud no matter what I say; no Cares how painful it burns
He snapped on me-I didn’t get up fast enough; he left blowing up; but my belly was in a churn
Texting to get down to car and not Once did he read the text; I was throwing up all over my bed!
I cry inside as I Sit here because I didn’t even deserve a hug and “are you alright”- no comfort said
After enjoying a night with him again; I was waiting for him to sleep first and I was going to cuddle him this time
But I was called “selfish” because I told him to try with TV off; he’s so engaged-he wont sleep...I was saying it so kind
He didn’t ever see that I got sleepy hours before; he didn’t even Hear me when I told him off because HEs so into it-no sleepy
I wanted to cry he chose to call ME selfish, when I can’t sleep until it’s off and 90% of time it’s left on ID Discovery and Creepy
My heart hurts when he tells me what I can smoke, when I can smoke, when he even hides it from me
My father did that to control me; start with one thing and eventually it’s all his control you see
He cant see the hurt on my face when he yells about every little thing he can
Im reliving my childhood married to him, I’m so miserable he can’t choose to love me and be happy but he chooses tearing me down as a man
© 2020 Abigayle Malchow-Rourk