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I Sit In Front of This Place

Just a guy trying to make sense of a life, memories, and emotions that do not...and in no particular order. The somber side of my mind.

Sitting quietly as they walk by wondering

Why this man is writing in the rain
Headphones on drowning out the pain...
Writing through the sounds
Sitting in front of this place
A donated studio
Where we were meant to be free
A party to announce the rest of our life to friends
Thinking about this night since you said yes in the Spring
Years gone by now
It's Winter again and here I am
Looking into an empty room where tables stood
No oven and the burritos were cold
Ran up the street and talked a restaurant into the use of their oven
Your favorite colors
Everyone chipped in to help in some way
People…the ones I knew

Months earlier...me on one knee
Naked so you could see all of me
What I had to give
I had nothing...no money...no security...dirty jeans
No ring in my empty hands just my heart
You knew all my no's and I changed my plan
Somehow you became my yes girl
And then it began
I still do not understand

I believed this story could be true
My eyes glaze over and I can see your figure standing there again
A friend helped keep it quiet
Picked you up for girls night out
Trying to surprise you with something good
The look on your face
Frozen in the doorway…speechless with disbelief
A small room...not too many people
Kept it small...you uncomfortable in large groups
My God I love you as I looked from across the room
You just stood there frozen not knowing what to say
Reminiscing even now...
A part of me that knew
Just your trauma man...make it through
Push away the thought...another girl already gone
My chest so full of pain I didn't put down
Am I even real
Were you real
It is so hard to tell anymore

The end of the night on top of a parking garage
Standing in the cold
Confused about what happened
Snow on the ground
Ice in the corners as I look down
Seven stories up
Trying to be in this moment
Part of me still scared it will all end
Searching for a perspective
Why does what happened feel so planned
A concrete mountain to help me
A different view to help me understand
A night of words that didn’t make sense
I thought this was a beginning
Talked about our plans
Silent answers, nods, and smiles
An uneasy energy
High above looking down
There you are...outside taking a break
Smoke rolls from your lips as I see you in a different way
Catching sounds here and there as they swirl by...
Silenced by the wind
I can not believe this is my girl
I get to be her man
All the mistakes I've made in my life
The words I've yelled back at times
You're still here but something doesn't seem right

The tears are cold as my thoughts smile wide
Drowned out by the voices from behind
Conversation about someone that wasn't me
My mind is playing tricks on me
I stick with what you say
Just keep believing
A hundred feet up
Head down
Wanting to jump and fly away...be free
Stuck in two realities
I struggled to keep listening
I back away from the edge
Dizzy…trying to keep breathing
I can now feel the cold on my face and it is sobering
The bell dings...the doors open
The slow way down
Press the button heading to the ground...floored
I just smile...fake conversation...I feel I've been here before
People in this shiny silver box see me everyday
Still they say
Nothing
Nothing of what is really in the way

Brakes squeal next to me on the street
Bringing me back to the present...cold feet
Looking at this door you hesitated walking through
I should have known
Why I couldn't breathe
I knew inside you were too good for me
The one with no air left in his lungs
A life led
Hurt has made me come undone
Hurt has made my mouth run
It is hard to sit in front of this place...parts of me angry
At myself
I was to be dad to our babies
Looking at a window with a lonely reflection and blurry memories
Empty laughter
I still taste the wine on your lips
The smell of your hair
Even now
Wiping away the tears
I am full of regret
Tired of feeling this...tired of the fear
Cold glass between this empty space and me
Dry under the overhang as the clouds look down
Opening up
Spilling what I feel in this moment
Downtown in the morning
Too early and the wrong place to scream
Too many people around
I changed who I wanted to be
Reflections of parents
Children walking behind me
Not yours...not mine...not ours

My hand shaking from the cold
The second hand ticks faster
Time slows
Sit and stare
Don’t know which way to go
Don't know if I care
Stuck in between the way we used to be
The way you used to look at me
Who you were when I was around
Who we were before we were ground down
Your touch
Your smile
Your sounds...when you held me in the morning
Before the visits
Before the yelling
Before the empty canvas you couldn’t fill
Were we just a muse
Me for paint and you for words
My hurtful words...I am so ashamed
Who was it that clawed my invisible scars
Taking what was needed to fill the empty parts
Trace me
Chalk the line
Biting my lip
Biting my tongue
A map...how to bring me around
A guidebook...how to break me down
Picked up from the side of the road
I gave you the rest so you would understand
I did not want to be destroyed again
The hurt and where I had been
Explained I'm a broken man
I love deep
You said jump so I leaped

Telling me I'm a complicated man
It's pretty simple
Spark the flame baby
Just don’t leave me hanging as I have done so many times
The grey is where I'm drowning
It’s all I can do to stick around
The black and white smeared now
Just me...not like them
Closer to who you remembered
The last time you lived on this floor
Next door
Around the corner
The one I wasn’t
Perhaps that was too much and I've gone too far
Change who you are...give in
That ain't me and I ain't him
You said her words as if reading from a script
Killed me with words from a past I didn't want to remember
Who am I kidding
I gave it right back to you
Wasn't going to lie down this time...not for her...not for you
At times I couldn't separate
Yelling her name before I knew
Catching myself too late
I stopped walking away from the fight
Reliving a past thought gone
I got history that stays with me
A past lived…missing pieces in a familiar room
Something different is what I wanted to show you
Something differentr is what I wanted to be
And here I am
Same words
Same taste after a kiss
It thrust me back in time
A different life but here I am
Living it again
It all falls apart eventually
Nothing left is real
Just stories of what was meant to be
Fake smiles
Quiet people everywhere
So I walk and write to keep my anger in check
Something I have failed at so many times

Putting the pieces together
A razor cuts the pictures from a magazine
A collage full of whispers as I slept
Snails in my ears
Wanting me to feel the pain
Now I’m stuck with memories and words that aren't mine
Some that are and I can not go back in time
I have enough of my own
I don't need anymore
Words I don’t want to write
Given to me and I don't know why

Out in the cold
Just turn the knob and walk in
I don’t want to open it
It's locked anyway
Nothing in there for me now
The light is out
A past and a man with different clothes
Another room that has to remain closed
No more pictures, no more tables, no more chairs, no more art
Just echoes of memories
A cold stone seat wet from the rain
Outside looking in once again
Because I have been a spiteful man

© 2020 Nowhere Man